I've seen the part beyond the sky. It's velvet.

2007-07-31T15:29:00.000+08:00

It's terribly weird how I blog constantly for a few days, then forget about it for months, then suddenly feel like doing so again.

But then again it could be that I've finally felt like it because I'm sick today, couldn't go to work and am pretty bored.

It's quite nice being so busy most of the time tho, I've realised. I used to work 5 or 6 days a week (yup, I'm crazy, saturdays included) but I've told them now that I've got to cut it down to 2 or 3 days a week because I seriously better get down to knowing how to do my own laundry, cook, etc.

I'm currently reading The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella and goodness I've realised that I really am one of those oh-I've-got-such-high-ambitions-but-NO-I-can't-iron girls. Which is bad, and I must change. So as much as I love meeting my babies and toddlers at school everyday, I have to start working less.

But to be honest, it's not just work that has been taking up all my time. It's driving as well. Gosh, I never knew getting a four-wheeled object to move would require so much energy, focus and patience. Honestly, sometimes at the end of a lesson I feel so stressed that it's almost like I'm taking some major exam. There are almost a million details to remember. But one good thing is that the instructors at Comfort are really nice and understanding.. Well all except the one annoying asshole part-time instructor who I've gotten only 3 times and on all 3 times has made me want to just STOP the car in the middle of the road and kick him out so that some other car will run over him. It's not just about him being so impatient but it's also the way he talks to me, like I'm some kinda road sweeper he can boss around. Okay but lets not talk about him he just makes my blood boil.

Anyway, everyone's getting all set for uni, going for orientations and registering and all that that it feels a bit strange to still be lazing around at home not doing much. I've pretty much registered the fact that I'm leaving and don't feel so sad anymore. I mean, you just accept it and know it's your dream and go for it without doubting about how your current relationships will change. It's almost as if I've surrendered this problem of mine to God and am just like, "You know what God? You make the decision."

So yes. Life's good, uncomplicated and relaxing as of now. It's great and sometimes I wish my whole life would be this way. Or maybe it's just that it's a lot more uncomplicated than what it used to be like last time, not to mention a lot less stressful too, so I really appreciate it and I know I better do, cos it's going to go back to being crazily hectic before I know it.

2007-04-30T15:34:00.000+08:00

OH NO!!

I'm feeling a little bit depressed right now. My birthday's on Thursday and it seems like the whole world's got something on on THAT very day which means that despite this being like the FIRST birthday in YEARS that I don't have exams/school/crazy assignments/TSD journal to complete it will still be mundane, boring and uneventful. That's really sad man. Firstly, everyone's working or at army. Secondly, my dad's not in town (but it's okay that's not his fault cos they just HAD to make the meeting on may 3rd). Thirdly, my brothers have school and tuition that evening and fourthly, my mommy has a meeting that night and she offered to just not go for it but oh well I shouldn't be so selfish lah.

I can tell everyone's feeling guilty about it and honestly I'm not angry at them or anything cos I know they didn't CHOOSE to be busy but I can't help feeling a little sad about it. I know they're trying to make up for it.. Like my mom told me she wants to take us all for a movie tmr and take me shopping at Vivo on Wed. Oh well..

Okay okay I should stop acting like a princess and pretend like the whole world should work according to my desires cos I'm turning 19 and it's time to be a big girl. SIGHH.

Okay, doesn't matter. I'm going to make sure that it turns out fine anyway. I'm sure the ANNTS will go out with me on Thursday night, and we'll choose a nice yummy restaurant to go to :). Also, I can go out with my mommy and bros before their tuition for dessert or something. Yup okay. As for Thursday morning.. Hmm maybe I can drag my mommy to Orchard or something to hang out. Hopefully she'll treat me to one of the many cravings I've had lately- the beautiful long brown Guess bag I saw or a complete make-up set from MAC/Bobbi Brown. I mean they're 100+ each but it's okay to get a treat once in a while right? Oh and SHADES. Omg I'm dying for a good pair of cool shades that look perfect on me but I haven't found them yet! Yes okay. I shall be a material girl and allow myself to crave for these expensive unnecessary stuff :):).

Apart from that I think the weekend will be absolutely fantabulous. I definitely have to meet karm maya bob etc etc (maybe we can go paintballing on sunday and then go eat afterwards? SO FUN!), meet my TKGS friends, meet my sindhi friends, have a sleepover with the ANNTS on saturday night and friday is also CHOPPED. But everything's pretty tentative so hopefully it works out!

2007-04-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

For once, I can seriously say that I'm not wasting my time on someone I purely have a lot of fun with, but instead am spending my precious last few months in Singapore with someone who's sensible, responsible, hardworking, good-hearted and very very understanding. For once it's not someone who just charms me and impresses me, but someone who's a best friend and doesn't look at me superficially but sees who I am on the inside. It's so hard to find someone you click with so well.. and despite not knowing what the future will be like, I just know that even if this blessing is temporary, it's a blessing alright.

I just really hope that because this is so uncertain, with so many questions left unanswered, at least these 5 months will sail smoothly. No nonsense from my parents or arguments or whatever. So I can leave having nothing but beautiful memories :).

It's so strange why things happen at a certain time. Like why now? But I've lived long enough to know that things happen for a reason.. and so sometimes you just have to live for today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. :)

2007-04-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but when I woke up this morning, I started thinking of What-Ifs.

Most of the time, when people start worrying about What-If questions, it's when they have to make an important decision for the future. You know, like What If I took up this course in university, What If I got a dog, What If I went out with this guy/girl or whatever. But it was so strange, because I started thinking of What-If questions that related to my past.

I think it's the whole feeling of going away. I know I know, you'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm really not. I'm so dependable on my family and friends, and I'm so attached to them, that honestly I don't think I'll ever be used to the fact that I'm going away. Moreover, there never seems to be a day go by without someone, either a friend or family member, talking to me about it. So it pretty much clogs up a big part of my brain.

And that's why I start thinking of What-Ifs that make me get a little bit emotional.

I thought about What If Ankita and I never ended up in the same Hindi School class when we were 6 years old. I mean, they have classes from A to like D or E or whatever (all considered to be the same standard tho, it's just like a label), but somehow we both ended up in A. And that's how I met the bestest friend I could ever ask for. I mean seriously, what if the A class was full and they put me in the B class, for instance? I would have probably never met her, and my life would probably be SO different now without her nagging me, annoying me, scolding me, and of course caring for me and being there for me through thick, thin, rain and shine so that I never, NEVER feel like I'm alone. Seriously. What If.

What If I never took part in that dance for Bhavna's wedding when I was 11. I would have never gotten close to Shanti. We had always been family friends, but somehow we just never got the opportunity to get close. It was during that dance that we hung out SO much and clicked SO well that I can proudly say she's a sister to me now. I mean, how often do you find a person who has the exact same parents and almost life as you? Sometimes I feel like my parents get unreasonable but then I realise that it should be quite a common thing cos Shan's in the same boat. And that's why it's so great to ask her for advice cos I know it will be the right one, considering how we're like different people born into almost similar circumstances. But What If I never met her? I bet I'd have done so many more stupid things without her.

And there are so many questions to that effect. Like What If I didn't go to VJ and INSISTED I wanted to go to AC? I mean seriously it was such a last minute decision to switch to VJ. Just imagine, I wouldn't have been in the funkiest class ever, taken TSD which I swear was probably the BEST experience of my life, met Karm Maya and EVERYONE else, met Ashish, Kushal, Ashwin and so many other people who I know will always be my pals. Seriously, we go out with Kushal Ashish and stuff so often that sometimes I feel like I've known them all my life.. but this morning I suddenly realised, What If I hadn't gone to VJ. And it just feels so weird.

It just makes you really wonder if the Big Guy up there seriously has some things planned out for you. I mean, maybe not everything's planned out.. but there are these small things that you really have no control over but they just happen, and then poof your whole life changes. I mean, what if vishal never persisted calling me, he wouldn't be like a bro to me now. If I never wished prashant happy birthday, he wouldn't be one of my closest friends ever now. Just things like that. Small things that go a long way.. and that make you smile everytime you think about it. Which is why even though the What If questions made me even more sad to leave, it kind of consoled me a little, because I was happy that those things happened, and i just knew that there's someone up there who'll continue to bless me with these small things that just make life so much more beautiful.

Sit down, it's just a talk.

2007-04-03T01:38:00.000+08:00

Okay I know I haven't updated my blog for like the longest time but honestl, just about a million things have happened in my life.

I wrote my last post after I first saw my dearest uncle in the hospital after being flown down from Indonesia in an SOS plane. I thought that was the scariest experience of my life until I actually saw him pass away, in front of my own eyes, into God's kingdom, into His lap. I don't quite want to blog about it now because it happened about 2 weeks ago, but I will say that I'm extremely proud of everyone, especially my aunt and cousins, for being so strong about it. For knowing that life has to go on and they should still be happy despite it because he will always be with them and shower him with their love, everyday, like he used to. I mean things will not be easy, but there's always a way out of hardship, and I'm so glad they realised that. I remember that during the few days after he passed away, during the prayers, there were so many coincidences that we knew were not coincidences that occurred showing us that he was around and that he was happy. It's was honestly such a crazy emotional ride, something I've never experienced in my life before.. but I'm really proud of everyone for getting through it. And I thank everyone who was there for me while I was going through it.

I just ended my internship with Drew and Napier LLC and I must say that it was SUCH a fantastic experience. Not only was it fun because the 10 other interns were super friendly and fun-loving people, but the work given to us was never too taxing or difficult so we ended up learning so much and being happy to learn it all. My mentor was in the Litigation department so I got the amazing opportunity of sitting in the Chambers at the High Court and reading and working on divorce cases, company law cases and just so much more. The lawyers there have a hectic schedule but it's wonderful to see how they balance work and play (of course, not all do but that's inevitable) because some of them honestly never fail to crack me up and have me thinking, even if its just for a split second, that they're 19 as well and we're all just friends at school or something. It's like they can switch code, sometimes they're super serious, busy, no-time-for-nonsense people, and sometimes they're just so easygoing and light-hearted that you feel so at home. Of course it gets intimidating when they're in their serious modes cos you just feel like you're disturbing them everytime you genuinely need to ask them something, but then again I guess they have to because they're dealing with serious stuff. There were times when I felt like I was getting in their way and honestly I think we were considering how we're A level graduates and can't help them with much, but then they give you these huge welcoming smiles that show you they actually like you and things seem to be okay again. So all in all, I love the firm and more importantly love the work there and am SURE that I want to pursue a Law degree! Which is fantastic cos I was so afraid the internship might just make me think twice about it. Of course I also now know what the crazy hours are like, how hard the work can get, how bosses can just be a pain in the neck, but then again no job is easy.. you just have to choose the one that you would sacrifice all that for. I mean I'm still not sure if I will end up being a lawyer but it's definitely an option now!

Moving on, I sent a letter to LSE to ask if they could confirm my place there without me having to withdraw my other applications on UCAS cos a few schools have yet to reply me and they said yes!! TADAA!! sOOoO *DRUMROLL* TASHIE IS GOING TO LSE!!!! YIPpPppPiEEE!! HaHAHAH I still can't get over it! I remember seeing the school while I was in the car in London about 1 1/2 yrs ago and thinking "YEAHHH sure dream on Tash" but omg now the dream that I never even dared to dream is coming true! I'm honestly on top of the world and I have soo many people, especially God, to thank for it! :). I honestly still don't know how the 4 As came about but it just about tells you that when you work the hardest you can, you may surprise yourself because you never know what you can achieve until you achieve it! So moral of the story is never say die and just keep going. But of course I know that the reason it happened is because I put a 100% in and that I must continue to do so if I want to achieve greater things later in life. :)

ANYWAY. I have super funky news. I've got hair extensions! Okay brace yourself for it.. I put PINK, RED, BLONDE and COFFEE coloured extensions in my hair! There are about 14 of them altogether and sometimes it's not very obvious when they're all hidden but when they're not they're superrrr FUNKy! I honestly love them. I just did them like in the spur of the moment cos my aunt told me to just try them out but hahah they're really quite nice! It's nothing like what I've had before, with all the browns, so I'm really lovin' it. Haha:)

Well..

I think I got caught at the wrong place at the wrong time this time. Or maybe it's the right time since I'm so free. But I'm honestly confused and scared about getting close to new friends at this particular point in life because I know my life's going to change in a few months. I mean old is gold and I know I've built such strong frienships with my other friends that things will be fine when I get back, but I'm somewhat afraid of getting close to new people because I'm afraid of what things will be like once I have to leave. I mean, lets be practical about it, I really don't know when I'll be back. I honestly want to get a job in a Magic Circle law firm there and if by God's grace I do then how can things work out? But at the same time, I can't help but get closer because I enjoy the person/people's company and can't help but feel like they will understand when I have to leave... and that if things work out then they will but I shouldn't totally block the idea out of my head. And I guess what's biting me from the back of my mind are bad past experiences and also, in quite an ironic way, sweet memories that I don't know if are still supposed to be in my mind. SIgh okay I know none of you think I make any sense and neither do I because I'm confused. But in a way I think it's so silly to be thinking so much about this at the age of 19 when I'm supposed to just do what I feel like doing, and know that if I don't do it I will never know what it was like. Okay now I've confused you too. Sorry.

I really feel like the crazy month that just passed by has made me a little bit more stressed than usual cos I'm no longer in the relaxed, heck-care, post A levels mood but NOW that I'm FREEEE again I'm going to try to relax again :). Watch allllll my new dvds (including season 1,2,3 of Greys Anatomy, 30 Rock and Prison Break season 2!!), exercise regularly, eat healthier food and spend more time with my family and friends. Once I'm relaxed again I'll go look for a nice, happy, fun, relaxing job which I will stick with until Sept after which I will fly off hoping that the people in Singapore will still remember me (SOB!) and that the people there will welcome me with open arms! It's such a scary thought now that it's real but I MUST BE BRAVE! And of course, just have a little faith :).

2007-02-25T00:49:00.000+08:00

My uncle's in hospital and I think this has definitely been one of the scariest things I've ever been through.

It was crazy when my mom told me yesterday night that he was in critical care because he had dengue fever in Jakarta due to the floods, which caused him to have water in his lungs thus making breathing painful and hard. I mean it's so weird, we breathe every moment every second of our lives and we never appreciate it. But yesterday, when we rushed to the hospital at 2am in the morning, and I saw them bring him down from the ambulance and straight into the emergency room I wanted to cry scream pray and just run away all at the same time. He was struggling a little and I could see his chest heave up and down so distinctly as he tried to get the oxygen running through his body.

They had flown him down on the SOS plane from Jakarta with my aunt cuz and a few others. My aunt was really panic-striken, you could see she wanted to cry but not cry at the same time so she could remain practical and think straight. My two cousins whom I'm really close to just look confused and almost helpless because they just seriously didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do either.

I ended up doing my best by doing the silliest things like settling the registration, food, and just talking to my cousins and uncle's while they were waiting, just to get their mind off it. I guess I'm quite good at talking nonsense, so it helped. And of course my super duper trick of offering people food WITH LOVE and saying that if they don't eat it they don't love me and won't get my love. Hee hee. But it helped cos my cuz finally ate after having vomitted everything she ate for the past day and smiled and laughed at my not-funny-but-worthy-to-laugh-at jokes. Oh of course I did my other trick of saying that I'm superrrrrrr hungry but won't eat until they eat which makes me feel guilty for lying but much happier when they eat :).

We got home at about 5am in the morning after the doctor forced us to all go home except for my aunt and another aunt. My cuz slept with me and WOW, gosh was the girl exhausted. She's only 16, I really can't imagine how she's being so strong. Really remarkable. But she hadn't slept properly in 4 days, possibly didn't sleep at all. I guess it's cos when you're there with your mom you feel so responsible that if she doesn't sleep you don't want to sleep either. But yesterday she came to my house and after talking nonsense with her she finally said she wanted to sleep and my goodness, the NEXT INSTANT she was sleeping so soundly, I could hear her breathing like a baby and it made me feel so good and relaxed :).

We were all up in a few hours, went to eat lunch and then straight to the hospital. I was there the whole day again just being there to give moral support and at least my cuz was so much more relaxed so went to starbucks and took a walk so she'd get out of the hospital. I was supposed to stay over with her today but apparently there's no space there and my uncle doesn't want us sleeping there anyway, so I came home while the rest checked into a nearby hotel. My cuz told me she really wanted me to stay with her but I really couldn't because of all the complications. I really hope I get to go early tmr.

Sigh. It really makes to realise that whatever it is, however much we quarrel with our parents, they're really our God at the end of the day. Without them we'd be so lost and insecure. They're our everything, in the truest meaning of the phrase, and I really pray he'll be fine. I have a good feeling he will and I have faith too so lets hope for the best. :) God is great anyway!

2007-02-13T23:53:00.000+08:00

OMG I swear I've never felt so fit and unfit at the same time in my life before! I joined Amore Fitness this month and I've been for quite a few lessons (DUH I better make use of the Unlimited Classes per month package) which include Hip Hop dancing, Kickboxing, Pilates, NewBody Workout and omigoodness this morning when I woke up my whole body ACHED. My neck, my arms, my thighs. It was crazy! I felt old. I really did. But for all those considering it, I must say that I really think it's super worth it cos you have fun while you work out and you learn so many new things! But beware, it's a little bit hard when you first start cos some of the people there are like PROO and you cant help gasping at them instead of paying attention to how you look like you're part of the circus jumping up and down and tripping over yourself :).

SO.

Wowwieee it's Valentine's tmr! I mean I'm not happy cos I have a date or anything cos I DON'T but it's just the whole idea of it that's nice. I'm quite silly to say no to boys even though the explicitly say hey lets just go out as friends but I don't know I'm just too afraid that if I really take it that we're going out as friends but he starts to think differently then someone's heart will have to be broken and that's just the saddest thing in the world. My parents decided that we'll all go for a nice dinner tmr to celebrate the day (but *ahem* my bro said he actually already had plans and they told him to make it a lunch instead HAHA) which is quite nice cos at least I'll feel loved.

And it's really nice when someone messages you saying he wants to be the first to wish you Happy Valentine's Day. It made my tummy tingle. :)

I WANT TO WATCH LITTLE CHILDREN! Like Omiged la, TODAY gave it 5 stars. And they NEVER give any movie 5 stars! YIKES!! Must watch.

I can't believe I have tickets to The Pickleking but I'm going to Batam so I won't be able to go for it!! So instead of wasting it I'm giving it to some friends. I hope they secretly videotape it or something and give it to me as a present. Haha no lah it's ok it makes me feel good anyway to do something nice.

WeLL! Should get some rest for tmr's Latino dance and Belly Dancing class, during which I will confirm embarrass myself then laugh at myself but hey it's fun :)

2007-01-30T15:49:00.000+08:00

HAHA! I can't believe we're in today's The New Paper!

It's sooo silly. And our picture looks so funny! Shanti and I were interviewed by a reported from The New Paper yesterday because we were buying tickets to watch the ASEAN Cup Finals Live for the first time yesterday. And we bought 40+ tickets! So the reporter thought it was an awesome story, because we were first-timers and yet buying so many tickets.

But the real story is just that we were being bullied by our friends and family to go buy the tickets at 11 in the morning, even before the booth opened, because everyone else had school or work.

SO FUNNY.

Anyway, I'm REALLY excited about tomorrow's match! My friends persuaded me to get grandstand tickets so eventually I did :). I guess this means I'll be missing out on some of the rowdy fun at the normal seats but ALSO that I'll be sheltered while they won't if it rains. And also the view there is better. So I guess eventually it evens out :).

I'm really excited! :)

2007-01-26T00:38:00.000+08:00

What if a coincidence is God's miracle.. in which he chooses to remain anonymous?

2007-01-26T00:10:00.000+08:00

I NEED A HOLIDAYYYYY!!

I know I just came back from one and I know I've just been a bum at home giving tuition once a week and shopping/eating/wasting time with friends everyday but I'm damn bloody serious when I say I need a holiday. Yes. NEED.

Need not in the sense that there's anything here I need to get away from. I mean, life's unpredictable but good right now so that's fine (except the insecurity of turning 19 soon but not even registering that I'm 18 or feeling like I'm 18, even though I dunno what it is I want to feel) but it's just the fact that my parents are taking so many holidays! WHY CAN'T I COME TOO.

My mom just went to Genting and KL with 2 of my aunts and their son and I could've gone except my cuz from Jakarta was here so I wanted to keep her company.

My dad is going to Goa during the Chinese New Year holidays with 2 men so why'd he wanna take his daughter. BUT IM DYING TO GO TO GOA!! I heard it's wild and the beaches are gorgeous.

And at the end of Feb my parents are going to Pakistan with the Press Club. HELLO FOLKS. How many cool places do u want to go to? Okay, I know I had school last year when you went to Russia (OMG RUSSIA) but can't I come now?! But apparently the Press Club only allows for members to bring their spouses. Sigh.

Nevermind.

Speaking of being a bum, I think I've mastered being one. I watch a movie almost everyday, go to the beach almost everyday and go out quite a lot (except my parents are starting to give me the eye now).

But I do give tuition :). And it's fun.

Okay okay yes fine. I can't be a bum forever. So today I applied for an internship at a legal firm and I REALLLLLY hope I get it. I've been thinking about it for so long but I guess I wanted a break after Bedroom Farce.

My father's also been asked to write a book for Keppel Corp. and guess who's his new assistant ;). Working hours for this one will be 9 to 5 everyday and the pay is not bad. And best part is that if anything crops up (hopefully the legal firm job) then I can just tell him I'll start working after the internship. Really hope it works out.

We went to watch EVERTHING BUT THE BRAIN on Tuesday. It was fantastic in the sense that Pam Oei is just as good in her role as a 36 year old Physics teacher struggling in her love/hate relationship with her ailing father. I especially love the way she acts as her 6 year old self in her flashbacks, the way she isn't able to ever sit still and throws tantrums in a way that isn't cringe-worthy. And also the way the fourth wall is broken in a very seamless manner that the play becomes personal for anyone watching it. But I must admit that a part of me wishes that I hadn't watched it for the second time. When I watched it in 2005 I was so so so impressed by it that it has since been one of my all-time favourites. And I guess when you love something so much the memories just get nicer and nicer in your mind so that when you visit it again somehow something seems missing.

It was so nice meeting Pri and Yeek after the play at Mrs Fields. I swear Pri is suchh a ditto of her mom! And Yeek looks good with a beanie :). Pri's mom was so sweet to give us cookies and tea on the house! Yummy yummy.

I wish we could all have a TSD batch reunion one day. I really miss everyone :(.

2007-01-16T01:15:00.000+08:00

I can't believe Bedroom Farce is over! Completely finished with, after the past month of slogging, crying and laughing over it.

I must admit that it was so so soooo hard for me at first. I really felt bloody lost. I mean, seriously, how do you play an old woman who's rather slow-paced yet funny, endearing yet naggy, and alert yet quite blur about her sex life all at the same time? I don't know how I did it, but I must say that I'm really proud of the result. Friday's run, I felt, was quite good really. It's just too bad that the lights board got spoilt, which resulted in the wrong rooms being lit at the wrong times, and with all 3 rooms being lit the entire time in Act 2. Saturday's run was the best! I really felt it. I think it's got to do with the fact that the audience was a really good mix, so every couple had a group of people who understood their jokes. Sunday's run was very very good too!

I'm just really thankful to have been given the opportunity to do it. I mean, sure, we had our problems, conflicts, all the usuals. But it was so fun finally being in a professional production. Having the entire Singapore know about us from TODAY, Life! and 93.8FM. Feels like we really accomplished something big :).

After Sunday's run we cleaned up and then walked all over Robertson Quay and then Clarke Quay looking for something to makan. I was horribly tired though so I didn't stay when everyone went for drinks, I just went home and crashed my bed. Broke my record for latest-waking-up-time when I woke up at 3pm. Gosh I was that tired! But it was so awesome, you know, for all of us to just hang out, talk nonsense, have fun, crack jokes. Bedroom Farce really brought new friends into my life. I love every single one of them, which is so awesome, because it's so hard to get along well with people you never knew existed before.

I'm quite glad I've got a part time job. I'll be giving English tution to a few Sec 4 and Sec 3 students at my tutor's tuition centre at Bugis every Wed now. But that's just to help him out. On top of that I hope to get a job at a legal firm.

Anyway, for all those who want to know what's up with me and him, I'll tell you, since it's not a secret anymore. Frankly, I think he thinks it's too hard to be friends. I think he's minimising the amount he talks to me. It hurts, but I can understand it lah. I don't blame him and I'm still a happy girl :). So all is good.

THANK YOU so much to every single person who came to support me at Bedroom Farce. It really makes me feel like I'm on top of the world when people tell me what an awesome show it was! It really does. So thank you so so soo much. I can't say thank you enough, but I can safely say that's it shown me what great, true friends you guys are. LOVEEE YOU!

2006-12-27T20:27:00.000+08:00

I actually wrote a post before the Christmas break because i was feeling so down about the "I think we should just be friends" thing, but there was some problem with blogger so it didn't get posted. Oh well, get you guys were never meant to know :).

When I was coming home from rehearsals today I decided to pop by a mini mart near my house to buy something to fill my tummy. While I was looking, I heard some DJ on some radio station speaking over the speakers about a really really interesting topic. At least to me :). He was talking about his friend who has a girlfriend who apparently bosses him around a lot, but he can't seem to do anything about it because he just loves her too much to risk their relationship over it. So this DJ (whatever his name is) gave him some advice about talking to her or looking for another girl etc etc, but this friend of his was just strangely numb to all his advice. So essentially this DJ was asking, is it possible for a person to be so in love (but love is a strong word, so maybe infatuated) with another person that you just CAN'T abide by any advice given to you even though you may think that it makes sense, or even realise on your OWN that what you are doing is dumb and ineffectual.

ISN'T THAT INTERESTING? I never thought about people doing silly/stupid/nonsensical things when they're in a relationship purely because they just love (or are infatuated) with a person so much that they just DON'T want to, thus NOT being able to alter their ways. Maybe it's obvious to you, but I find myself so enlightened because I think that is exactly what I went through. I saw so many loopholes, but I just couldn't and didn't want to do anything about it because I didn't want to let go of the memories. That's why I just blocked out any doubts/advice anyone else gave me. Until I felt hurt, a little bit ignored, and came to my senses. And hurt myself and this other person a little bit more by calling it off. But I know I did the right thing so I just have to MOVE ON now.

I admit when I sleep at night sometimes my mind wanders back to everything and I even dream of things that I shouldn't be dreaming of anymore. I've always believed that dreams are really important because they can either tell you 1) what you truly desire or 2) what you truly hate. And I think this time it's the desire thing. But I'll be okay.

To be honest, it's only after everything was over that I realised how many fish there really are in the sea. I mean I don't mean to sound like I'm on some kind of hot-boy-lookout but now that I don't have to block them out of my mind (and only allow myself to gush over people like Wentworth Miller and Taufik Batisah; he IS cute) that I realise that hey, the guys around me aren't that bad. Not that I like anyone right now, but I'm just saying you know. That I think a lot of them are caring and nice. Which is why they are my friends in the first place :).

Mmm.

Anyway I thought of something really really cool today. I decided that when I get married (which is actually a long time from now, but I just suddenly thought of this brilliant idea today), I'm going to try and give my kids names starting with the letter that their surnames start with. You know what I mean? Because for us Indians, when you get married you effectively adopt your husband's surname, and that will be your kids' surnames as well. So lets say I'm a man now, okay? And I marry a woman (who in real life, would be me), then my wife's surname (my surname) would, after marriage, be SABNANI, correct? SO, I'll name my kids like I dunno, Shanel (nice name) or Sexy or Stupid or whatever. SO they'll have names like Shanel Sabnani, or Sexy Sabnani, or Stupid Sabnani! With initials S.S. . COOL YES? I think it's super cool. Imagine how your signature would look like. Awesome. :)

Okay. I think I'm just getting too bored. SO I'm going to feast my eyes on Wentworth Miller on Prison Break for a while (which by the way, is just the most awesome show ever. even though i love Desperate Housewives a lot too :)). So cheerio people. Until whenever :).

2006-12-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

You know it's so weird how when you have soo much to do you're CRAVING to just sit at home and do nothing. And when you really have nothing to do you're like "Ahh I'm BORED!". Hahaha that's why I've always wished to have a life in which I work for half the day, and enjoy for the other half without having to worry about work. That would be so ideal and balanced :). But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm really happy being able to do what I WANT to do everyday, which basically goes something like this- wake up, go to jx's house for rehearsals (sure, they're a little stressful cos we all wanna put up a KICKASS rockin rumbo performance but you can't deny that so long as you're with your friends you just always have an awesome time everyday), coming back feeling exhausted, taking a nap, waking up and watching tv with my parents, then retiring to my room where I watch movies on my laptop or read books. So routine but so FUN. :)

I must say that the Bedroom Farce team is just so awesome. Everyone works so well together (TOUCH WOOD/my head) despite the inevitable quarrels. It's really different though, having to do a 'group piece' with EIGHT people with a ready-made script. I never realised how much EASIER it really is to just go for rehearsals with a free mind and you know.. just craft things out as you move along. And put in jokes that you find so funny. With a script it's so so much harder cos you have to not just interpret YOUR character or your partners, but really EVERYONE's, and see how each character compliments others, and what they bring to the play etc. And it's a whole lot tougher when it's a comedy, as everyone knows.

Anyway.

As much as I'm just not trying to think about it anymore I must say that when I lie down in bed at night, or just suddenly start day-dreaming, my mind always wanders back to the same thing. It's been really hard since last night, you know, with the realisation that it's all over sinking in. Call me crazy but as much as it's starting to hurt, I think I've like numbed myself to it. Not deliberately, but because for some super odd reason I've thought he was the one for me for so long that even though it's over I don't believe it? Something like that, I think. I don't know.. I mean, maybe it's cos that's what happened in the past. I said okay-we're just going to be friends no matter WHAT. Even if I like him I will hide it and never show him but, how much can you hide? Especially to a person who knows you SO well? And that's why everything happened. And now, we've decided to be friends and I don't know, to some extent I think it will happen again? But at the same time I don't WANT it to! Aren't I complicated. Sigh. But I really really REALLY want to just MOVE on because I've finally realised that there's no SENSE in this unless we keep it up for TEN yrs and somehow I think if we're meant to be then eventually we will just be together. We don't have to hold on and hurt ourselves so much like this.

I told him really clearly yesterday that it was no point giving this anymore chances. Just leave it, lets be friends. It was really so hard for the both of us. But the hardest thing was for me to know that I was hurting him. And when I asked him if he was okay he said that he understands and if it makes me happy then it's okay. Which hurts cos I felt so selfish. I told him, again and again, and I've told him a million times, MOVE ON. Go OUT with another girl if you like her, stop waiting! He says he can't, not yet at least and, in a way I know what he means.

But it's also a bit of a relief. Just being free to move on now, as hard as it is. I really hope this time the both of us really do thought. So that when we meet, it won't be so awkward and the whole thing won't happen again. GOsh...

That's why I was just telling Karm and Maya that sometimes it's better to just NEVER like anyone. You know? You're spared from all this. Emotional attachment. But then again, I must admit that at the same time you really feel so special then, like you've found such a great pal, someone you can trust with all your heart, knows will always be there for you, talk to you for hours on nights, have fun with you, joke tease and even scold you but still love you at the end of the day. Pros and Cons I guess, like everything else.

SO. I just felt I had to write that so everyone who knows what was going on know it's over. Yep. After the longest time ever. I don't think I've ever liked anyone so long. But it's okay. It will be okay.

2006-11-30T02:55:00.000+08:00

I just watched If Only and this time, I really cried. This sounds so stupid and cliched but I suddenly realised how important it is to live everyday like there's no tomorrow, love as much as you can today, dance, laugh, sing, shout, hug, do everything you want today because u never know what will happen tomorrow. And most importantly, when you love, love unconditionally. Don't expect anything back because you love sincerely and not because you want to be loved.

I guess I feel so strongly because I've heard of so many breakups in just a few days. It's so weird, and so sad, how people can go so strongly for so long and then suddenly, everything's gone. I can't even imagine how much that can hurt. In a way, I'm not saying it's their fault because quarrels do happen to everyone, and things like this are bound to happen. But I just find it so unbelievably sad. I wish to remedy the situations by like turning back time for them and helping them to talk things through but obviously I can't.

It's really hard to know things, and yet not want to know them. To have troubles, but yet pretend everything is fine. To trust a person completely, and to wonder if you trust the person completely because you're afraid of what things will be like if you don't. It's really annoying to not be able to see into the future, however much you know that doing so will never change it. And it's really hard to hold on to hopes and not have expectations.

Well.

I can't believe my time in VJ, as a Victorian, is really up. It's so weird, it seems like orientation just happened yesterday. When I came into VJ feeling so insecure and lonely because none of my good friends were in it. I remember my first impression of everything. When I walked through the school gates, I remembered thinking, thank you God, for this gift, but at the same time feeling so nervous about how my new life would be like. I remember Talia was the first friend I made, because she was the first to smile at me in our OG. But she didn't have her voice then, and it was really weird trying to communicate with her. And I always felt so obliged to talk because she would just remain silent. Hahah. Oh, and I thought her name was uber cool. I remember seeing Maya too, because of her hair, and thinking heyy funky hair. Haha. I swear it's so weird thinking about it now, now that she's such a good friend of mine. So funny, how a stranger can be so much more in such little time.

Lofty had an immense impression on me the first time i met him. I just COULDN'T get my eyes off those frowns on his forehead. I remember thinking- Oh God, this is going to be so distracting. How am I going to study with him as my teacher when I just cannot stop looking at those lines? And watching them move up and down, become deeper then shallower as he talked. And those blue eyes seemed so deep I almost felt scared everytime he looked at me. Like I knew he was observing me, in a kind way, but his gaze was so strong I just had to look away. And I remember Rashez telling me the one good thing about TSD is that you get to wear cool blacks around school instead of the boring old uniform. And that this made it easier to spot your friends around school. I was so impressed haha.

I also remember thinking I kept getting into Karm's and Pei Fang's way cos they kept hanging out together and I somehow always was with them too. The first time we went to class, I deliberately allowed Pei Fang to walk in front of me so she could sit next to Karm. Gosh how funny... I think I told Karm this before and she thought it was so funny.

I will never forget how Karm, Jas, Pri and I used to rush our homework and rush to Gelare during our long breaks on Tuesdays. We NEVER made it back on time and always had to do stupid things like force our classmates to carry our bags to class for us. We even came to class half an hour late once, and Mr Young was so pissed because he knew we went for ice cream. Everyone knew and kept telling us to stop it but we still did. Come to think of it, I don't think we ever really enjoyed our ice creams because we had to always gobble them down. But it was fun, running all over the place, talking, not to mention just slacking at the beach and getting our uniforms wet despite still have lessons afterwards.

And I can't believe the stupid things we used to do. Stand where the swings were and playing Pepsi Cola? I mean, what were we thinking! That spot can be seen by the WORLD, and here we were, 17 year olds acting like spastics. Oh gosh! I'm so sure, that if I was a year 2 looking at year 1s doing that I would've immediately been like- hah, kids. But it was so fun wasn't it. And crewing for the seniors. Gosh I will never forget the countless times Karm and I got scolded by Ling. I can still remember how she'd go- "Tash and Kar mun please stop talking ah".. before it became "You two over there.. one more time..." and then "NATASHA and KAR MUN this is my A Levels and you better be serious or just don't crew for me!". OOPS. And how I had to sing for Arika when I always thought the world would laugh at me if I sang. And how funky I thought it was that I could wear face paint and do up my hair for Khairul's performance.

It's so weird to know all that happened almost 2 years ago, that it's gone forever. That I'm OUT of VJ, done, graduated. It's so so weird. Time just whizzed me by and I'm feeling so nostalgic. I don't like changes because it's hard to let go of good things, especially when they've shaped you to be who you are. But I know the memories will last me a life time, and I'm going to keep them locked up in a part of my brain for sure. I just really hope that we'll all still keep in touch, you know? I know we will all go our separate ways, but I hope there will still be that bond between all of us, so that if we meet a long time from now, things will feel exactly the same.

Well, anyway.

It's been a long time since I blogged but it feels good doing it. And so was watching If Only. It really thought my a big lesson. And I'm really going to try to be a much more loving person. Come to think of it, the things that make me happiest are small, little things that melt my heart. Like even a message from a friend saying she misses me, or a big hug, or being surprised, or making people smile by surprising them, or just telling the people I love that I love them. Those are really the things that make my day, which makes it so stupid that there are so many distractions from just focusing on things that make you happy. Not that these are unimportant, they are important but they shouldn't be distractions. They should be taken seriously but without making everything else second in priority. It's true you know, that life's short. I mean, do you really feel like you've lived 18 years? I don't. And I know the next 18 will just whizz past, and so will the next and the next.

And if you're still not convinced, watch If Only.

2006-07-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

I hardly ever blog and I think I only do when I feel that what I need to say either

1) Needs to be known by a mass of people
or
2) Cannot be told to anyone in person

I've been feeling quite lonely (yes.. Tash, Lonely? but yes) past few days. I don't know why. I mean I have all my friends a few buttons away, meet some of my favourite people everyday in school. I think it's because of all the inner thoughts I've been having lately that I feel I cannot tell anyone about, because I'm being paranoid and nobody will understand. Firstly there's the whole fear about my future.. I hate the way it is, but I always think of "what ifs". Like, what if this doesnt happen, and that doesnt happen, what am I going to do? And secondly, although I hate to admit it, I tend to never be able to find contentment and satisfaction in me no matter what. And that's really upsetting because if I can't just be happy and contented when I'm 18, I think that's just the way it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm going to get/not get things, and want more, and more and more and more.. and it's just a never ending cycle. I may even take over the world and be Tash-ler (instead of Hitler haha) and STILL not be satisfied. Isn't that sad?

And I'm also really sad about the whole idea that I seem to not be able to get over failure. Not that I failed anything recently but I guess just little expectations of myself that I didn't meet? I have only myself to blame for that. Or maybe, fate too. Because for most of my life I've just been very coincidentally around people who don't have expectations as high as I do.. and when I work harder and do relatively well, even if it's really not all that good, it never seems like failure. But now, in VJ, more than anything else, I guess sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough and wish I was better. Which is really stupid, because deep down, I know I'm really good at things other people are not, but I just wish that other slightly inferior part of me would shoo away.

I really admire people who can just live life happily. I think they're very blessed. To not care about the world and just move on with a smile on your face and a contented heart- that's the way to live. But then again, I guess the rest of the world is blessed in another way too.. which is that they have a more, well, roller-coaster-ish life, filled with surprises, both good and bad.

Moving on.

I think it's very hard to think of a person in the same way after he has told you what he really feels about you. I mean, it's so weird.. knowing that all along, I had a feeling about it, but kept dismissing it because I thought I was just being stupid? And then finding out it's true. It's invoked a kind of undying suspicion in me now.. that it can happen anytime again and maybe he won't tell me. I kind of feel like I should watch what I do and say around him now because you know, I wouldn't want to repeat the whole episode. Sometimes friendships are so precious you rather strain the friendship than hurt the other person.

And,

I really miss my other best friend a lot. Gee, absence really makes the heart grow fonder.

But nevertheless, I'm soooo glad that I've got a wonderful weekend coming up, during which I can study at my own pace and also relax a little. Oh, but I've decided I may start studying in school cos I actually find the library a great place to study in. I really believe that I can do it if I put my heart and soul into it. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE TASH.

And just another random fact: I went to KFC with my mom and brothers today. And I felt really special when suddenly this cleaner came to me and started talking to me.. telling me about her family and how she cooks for them.. then encouraging me to learn cooking from my mother and help her out. Hahah, fineee.. BUT I DO TRY! Anyway, that's not the point. I felt really special because I didn't even initiate a conversation with her, I just smiled at her, and she started talking to me. I guess it's nice when you know there are 50 people around you but this person choses to talk to you? Like it just brightens up your day, especially when you feel like crap about things.

Can lah. Can.

2006-06-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

Only 2 days left. 2 days of what was the best period of my life. Okay not 2, 2 and a 1/2. Or is it more? Because if it's more than that, I need to know so I can embrace every minute of it.

One and a half years. Gone, just vanished like a magic trick, right in front of my eyes and I didn't even realise it until today. Today when I walked out of slot, when I booked my last slot. I realised it would be the last time. The memories are so overwhelming. I still remember our very first workshop.. Hahah I was so serious about walking across a bed of nails, walking through a beehive filled with honey. I was so cautious because I wanted to do it as well as I could. I had been dreaming of what Theatre Studies and Drama would be like ever since I was 15, when I chanced upon it on the VJC website. And at that moment, all I could think was- I'm here, I'm here! This is my dream and I'm living it! And I swear, it was once of the best feelings in the world.

Everything just went uphill from there. The friendships I made was the best part of it all. It was like the fudge on the cake, without which the whole journey of enjoying it would not have been so sweet. I made one of the best friends I have ever had- Karmie. It's such a pity that words will never be able to fully express how much I love her, and how appreciative I am of every single thing she has done for me. She has not just been the dearest friend, completing my sentences and always saying "yes! I know exactly what you mean!" everytime I find it hard to tell her how I feel. She's such a blessing in every single way, and I really pray she says the way she is for the rest of her life because she's great that way. Kind, funny, humble, totally ridiculous at times, a child always, vain (but it pays off ;)) and most importantly- reliable, as a person, friend and workmate. I love you so Karmie.

And then, there's Maya. I know we were never that close last time, but for some reason when I think back, I think you're one of the closest friends I have. You have this really nice way of making me feel okay telling you anything, no matter how personal. In fact, I think I've told you things I havent told anyone else in VJ, and I don't know how you do it but you do :). And you're so fun to be around.. I still remember the first time we went out- Miss Singapore. And we fought about Taufik and ate like pigs and commented on how the girls couldn't make it. Hahah. And almost the same thing happened again when we went for West Side Story! Hahahh. And you're Ah Ma-ness just makes u the funkiest girl I know. You're a fantastic friend, the kind I know will keep in touch with me even after we leave VJ. Thank you:).

And Au Contraire- my biggest treasure. Tim, Maya, Jas, Glan, Andrea, Junyi.. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST. I'm starting to feel very empty without group, missing all the times we spent together, half of which was always wasted with us hanging around and talking. It's so fantastic you know, being able to work so well with people and knowing that the friendships are so strong that nothing, not even the most frank remarks, will affect them. I think everyone of you was so special to the group. Tim- What would we have done without your cartoon ideas, your funny faces, your non-stop shaking hands, your great acting and most of all your brilliance at photography. Our program looked the way it was because of u, and I loved it. Thank you so much for all the ideas and all the pain and sweat u put in, not just in the piece but in buying us dinner and everything. Maya- You're very particular about what you want and you're a perfectionist, which is great in a group with people who burn out easily. You're very hardworking and you know what's good and what's not. For that thank you, or we may have just added a lot of nonsensical stuff into our piece. Jasmine- Being as unique as you are, you perfected our set to make it look awesome, and thank you so much for taking responsibility for that. And also with the script, you add the touch of neatness and you complete everything perfectly. And thank you so much for trying your best to do things you never thought you'd ever do in your life, I really appreciate it and I'm sure everyone else does too. Glanies- You're more mummy than I am!! I never knew that :). Haha, dear Glan, you're really really the definition of a peacemaker. You keep your cool no matter what, and you cool us all down together with you. Thank you so much for that :). Because we really are a bunch of easily stressed people, well maybe except for JY hehe. And for being so helpful with everything, no matter what it is.. be it tech or set or script or acting, you really try your best. Andrea- B is for........??? HAHA. You're the bimbo of us lot, the gossiper, but at the same time the one who brings all the fun in. The one who persuades us to cut off at the right times because sometimes we slack around too much, and the one who cracks us up with your never-ending witty remarks at JY and delusion about how sweet the world is. And also the times when you flair up because we try to include something silly in our piece- "GUYSSSSSSSS! NO NO NO NO NOOO!!!" hahahah. Thanks Andrea :). AND Junyi- The one who turns even the most serious situations into funny and happy ones because of the constant smile on his face. How do you do it JY? However you do, we really appreciate it, and at least for me, it's like a constant reminder that everything's going to be okay. And you're so funny, all your "SOME moving DEH", "some Ciao-d-nisation" HAHAHHAHA. Cannot tahan damn funny. And you really balanced hockey well with tsd, so thanks for trying. Stay the way you are cos I really think you're one of a kind. :).

Everyone else, every single TSDian.. Saiful, Bob, my juniors and just everyone. YOU have made me who I am today. And I really love you guys sooo soo much, you won't be able to imagine it. Thank you:).

So that's it. I've spent so long on this that now, ironically, I feel happy. Because suddenly I see it all in a different light. I'm thinking, hey.. at least all this happened. At least I went through all these and I have the memories to last me a lifetime. At least I made these friends and met these people. And because of all that, I just can't help but smile because I realised how blessed I am.

The one and a half years will be remembered forever and always, locked in a small pocket of my heart.

2006-03-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

OKAY- so I don't know if they call things like these "the path that will lead to what's best for you" or "tough luck lady, you screwed up" but honestly, I just feel so depressed and confused and almost angry because of the fact that my DS can't be considered as a DS and so may have to be scraped.

And I have TEN DAYS to decide.

I don't quite know how to put it down in words, but I really don't want to have to see it gone before the As, before I can show Mr Pymm what I've dreamt about for so long, worked sweat and blood for, conceptualised and sourced since last year. I mean, I do have options- switch to Movement as a skill and make changes to my junior's movements and some of mine, stick to a DS but have my Troubles as shadows/voices/echo etc, or well, switch to acting.

Lofty emailed MOE, getting them to check if in a DS, there definitely has to be a central figure, and the figure being the candidate. Actually, there's such a thin line between having the DS revolve around a central figure with all the other actors/dancers as extras, and have a DS revolve around a central figure with the other actors/dancers as characters COMPLIMENTING the messages the central figure is trying to put across. i.e. helping her tell her story.

It's not fair. It doesn't make sense to me- why a piece of theatre has to have requirements. But I guess I understand, it is after all a subject that is going to be graded. And there has to be guidelines to everything that's graded, or everyone will just die of worry.

Sigh. Well I don't know what I'm going to do now. The anxiety is burning in me, but I really don't want to think about it too much just yet. So here's what I'll do. I'll perform for Lofty on Monday, possibly Mrs Low will be there, talk to the both of them PROPERLY by tuesday, and make a decision by Tuesday night/ Wed morning. That should be alright.

And I really really wish and hope and pray with all my heart that I'll get to keep this dream of mine, a dream I've seen partially come true, and has the potential to blossom fully.

2006-02-28T23:45:00.000+08:00

Waaah! No paper tmr woohoo! Feels really good to just SLACK for a little while.. I will NOT do any work until tmr! Yeaaaaaaaa! =) Hahahaha.

Kay sorry folks it's just that when you've got so much on your hands that you just don't get time to DO NOTHING, this feels tremendously good.

So anyway, here's my schedule over the next 2 weeks: Lit paper on Thursday, report to TODAY for a session at the Parliament on Friday, FINISH MY MOVEMENT by next week, TSD prelims next week, March hols in which I have 2 lessons and one day at which i have to report to the TODAY newsroom for duty. After my March holidays I officially have only 2 terms of school before my A levels!! AHHH! I tell you as I have told you a gazillion trillion times before, TIME IS CHEATING ON ME! Pffffffft.

But I must say that life's been treating me pretty well lately. "Has it ever felt like the whole world's falling in love?", well not really but I must say there IS love floating around. Much of it! You know, sometimes i really doubt people, and how much they appreciate the things I do.. whether what i do is truly worth it and whether it's right or i'm just being naive. But at the end of the day, you realise that if a person has loved you for so long, then whether or not it works out doesn't quite matter, so long you KNOW you'll always be there for each other. And there are so many people out there who I know are there for me.

The other day my dad was talking about teenagers falling in love, and how you shouldn't because you should just get to know people first, and then make your choice later. Hah, like omigosh maybe i SHOULD write a book of steps on How To Fall In Love.

It's so true you know. How you cannot control your inner desires. And even if you succeed in doing so, you're just lying to yourself, cos emotions are part of who you are.
-

Bzzt. I hope my Cambodia story gets published. Please oh pleaaaaaaaase let it! I really want people to help the orphanage!!! Just help in whatever way they can, even if they can't donate.
-

I know it's quite late. But I'm starting to love VJC a lot. School's a lot brighter this year, more cheerful, optimistic. I don't feel as lonely or insecure as I used to. It must be true, that I take time to warm up to people and get close to them. Hahah.

Can't believe how short JC life truly is. Just a matter or months. I can already picture myself having to leave.. and knowing that I'll miss so many things, so many people.

OKOK. I'm going to SLEEP now. Woohoo! I love sleep. I tell you, one day I'm going to make the best out of this talent of mine. You'll all see. Just you wait.

2006-01-19T23:32:00.000+08:00

When I was growing up in my old HUDC flat in Bedok Reservoir, I remember loving to lay down with my face facing the ceiling on top of me. I'd imagine what it would be like for me to live on that ground above me.. with lights protruding upright out of the ground, so many sharp corners, but most interestingly a huge empty space. No furniture or decorations or anything of that sort. Just empty space to walk on, and some protrusions once in a while which had to simply be avoided. I used to do it a lot. It was like an alternative world for me, somewhere I could just get lost in and dream about. Most of all, it was a place where I knew only I would be, and nobody else. I could do anything I wanted because it was my world up there.

Today as I ate my dinner I started to get gastric aches. I was too lazy to walk up to my room, so I decided to just lay down on 2 chairs to rest for a while and let the pain subside. It just happened to be that my attention was once again brought to the empty, clean ceiling above me, with the 2 lights coming straight out of it. It was not a familiar sight, because this house I live in now is a different one, but somehow the memory of what I used to do came rushing back. For about 5 seconds, I was lost in that world of emptiness. But it was only 5 seconds before my mind told me that what I was doing was completely absurd and psychotic.

I'm 18 years old and I still think it's so hard to grow up. It's so hard to forget how carefree and joyous you were just a few years ago, despite the times you cried when you couldn't buy your favourite toy, and how things have become much more serious and impactful now. Everything you do, say and think can change your life now, because nobody says "Don't mind her, she's just a kid" anymore.

Also, for some odd reason which I wish didn't exist, I hate the fact that some people grow up to be such wonderful people in total control of themselves.. and then, poof, in a matter of weeks they change to be someone else just because they've found "true friendship" in a certain group of people. I find it disgusting when people change for the worst just to be accepted. But then again, how many of them know that they have changed?

If anybody's ever looking for true friendship, all they have to do is wait for the day they break down and cry, which they will because everybody does, and see how their friends react. Those who simply offer you a shoulder to cry on aren't really your truest friends, though they may be true. Your truest friends are those who let you cry, give you a little scolding to tell you where you went wrong, then pick you up, give you a tap on your back, tell you they believe in you, and then set you off to do what YOU want to do. And if you fail again, they do they same thing. They'll let you be whoever you want to be and accept you as who you are.

Like I always say.. everyone has imperfections. It's up to you to decide if you want to accept someone else's flaws. And if you do, that person becomes perfect in your eyes. Absolutely perfect. And because you think that person is perfect, he will no longer have to get lost among the ceilings in a world of his own. Because he or she will know, that it's his world down here, and he can do anything he wants in it.

2005-11-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

There are 3 things that cheer me up everytime I feel down:

1) I am blessed with shelter, food and an entire family
2) I have all my limbs
3) I have friends who sincerely love me and I know will always be there for me

Don't know if I show it enough, but I'm sure they know it, and that I'll always be here for them should they need or want anything.

Yesterday Shan and I performed the most fantastic dance (under the only-3-practices category) at Minnie's 21st party. I had soo much fun! And I'm so thankful she agreed to do it with me, or I would've died. Seriously.

I feel so tired right now. But I just had to write this cos a tingly feeling in me was bugging me too. It's called immense gratitude.

I took the TODAY Newspaper student Journalism test on Saturday, but more about that when I'm not half asleep. But what's important is... I MET NEIL HUMPHREYS!! =D. I was smiling so much my cheeks hurt afterwards. Haha and I took pictures with him too! I'll try to upload them.

But my kitten's missing tonight. It's so little and fragile. I feel rotten.. We'll just have to pray it gets back by tomorrow. Why the hell do they need to put those cat traps in their house. Assholes.

thank you for being a true friend, tash.

2005-11-20T20:19:00.000+08:00

heyy tash,
my life's feels pretty screwed up right now.
But if there was one thing i know i definitely did right,
its when i told u that u were like a sister to me.
love u lots.
-shanti

this one's for you:

Friendship
There's a miracle of Friendship
That dwells within the heart,
And you don't know how it happens
Or where it gets its start.
But the happiness it brings you,
Always gives a special lift,
And you realize that
Friendship Is God's most perfect gift.

2005-11-12T00:11:00.000+08:00

I did the most stupid thing today.

I must've wanted to go for the Bharatanatyam performance at the Esplanade Studio since months ago, ever since I knew it was going to be staged. That's one of the most essential things I need now- to watch lots of Bharatanatyam performances to gain inspiration and well, to relearn what I learnt for 6 years. But in the haste of getting things done at school, entertaining my guests at home and fulfilling my need for LOTS of sleep, GUESS WHAT?!

Uh huh yep, I FORGOT.

Well I did until dear ole Karmun said today, while reading the Arts Explosion magazine,

"Hey Tash.. This looks really interesting. It's a Bharatanatyam performance at the Esplanade. One night only...".

AHHH BLOODY SHIT how was I gonna get tickets so last min? Tried to get my mom to book it for me using her credit card, but apparently she couldn't get through SISTIC. Buggers, it's supposed to be a hotline but half the time it's frozen.

Anyway, I just took it for granted that I would get it.. So Karm and I went to enjoy some ice cream at Macs. I got home at about 5pm, and my mom just told me to go down early and get the tickets at the Esplanade. So, still early right? I mean, show's at 8.

And when there's time to spare, what do you doooo?

OF COURSE! Sleep. So I did.

And....

I woke up at freakin annoying stupid donkey 8.40! AHHHHHHH! Runs to the telephone.

"MOM MOM MOM MMOMOMMM!!" (And she was driving,thank God she remained calm or there'd been one extra accident at Serangoon. Guess she's used to my nonsense).

"I JUST WOKE UP!!!! Can I take a cab there pls pls pls pls pls."

But as you know, mothers always give you advice that's so wise and practical you can't HELP but listen to them.

"Hello. Are you ok. Do you know how jammed the roads will be."

Heartache. Then heartbreak. I can swear I heard the crack and I really was going to burst into tears like a baby. And I just knew, then if I kept standing next to the phone, I would call a cab. So I forced myself to STAY in my room, which has no phone, until 8.00pm. It was only then that I allowed myself to walk out of the room. Yes, I can't control my mind sometimes. And my body usually gives in to it too, darn it.

Wasted. I feel like a sloth and I feel damn dumb. But nevermind, hopefully the Kalaa Utsavam circus performance tmr will be good. Apparently it's a circus that incorporates Indian Dance. Sounds very good.

The other day I watched Love Me If You Dare on VCD. It's a fantastic, fantastic, FANTASTIC movie. I really loved it. The movie, very very briefly, is about a boy and a girl, childhood friends, who play a very thrilling but life-risking game of daring each other. And the dares, mind you, are not our kind of

"Okay ah. Charrenge you ah.. I DARE you to go and tell Sandy you luff her! HAHAHA bet you too chicken rightttt."

Naa-uh man. You have to watch it to know what I'm talking about..It includes wearing your undergarments on top of your clothes, not meeting for 10 years, loving each other... And well, getting buried in cemet, together. But it was this game that formed this strange, insatiable love and connection between them, so much so that they can never forget or get enough of each other, and NEED one another. It's the most romantic thing when you find someone you're so compatible with, that nobody else will ever, ever match up.

It got me all dreamy. And I was just thinking how anyone can ever get through life without knowing how it feels to love and be loved by that one special person.

I don't think I'd dare to.

2005-10-30T19:10:00.000+08:00

Everyone,

I HAVE COME TO A RESOLUTION! I'm going to try to stay happy as much as I can. The world has come to such a state that to wake up and see the sun shining upon you is already such a huge blessing.

Doo dooo dooooooooo..... And I'd like to tell ALL of you that i LOVE YOU!

And YOU should tell everyone you love them too! You've got to try, come on.

I'm really lucky to be sitting here typing this knowing every member of my family is fine and dandy, I've got all my friends bugging me, my dog still wagging his tail at the front porch waiting for me to take him for a walk, my cat finding pleasure in rubbing himself against my legs, my kitten running after my toes thinking they're out to get him... My house in place, my school alive, the trees around me swaying, clean water, GOOD FOOD, all parts of my body, God still on my side, no screams, a clear blue sky with birds still having the chance to fly and be free.

Yay. I'm so lucky. And so are you. :)

2005-10-23T01:25:00.000+08:00

Oh I forgot to say! I THINK WE FOUND OUR GROUP PIECE! Yes, ALreADY! *Funky shit* hahahah (inside joke). Bet YOU never thought how important/significant/interesting ice cream could be.

And it was absolutely magical that someone said ice cream, someone said the other 2 magic words, and someone else said more magic words, and suddenly, everyone burst out with ideas and it just kept going on and on that we had to rush to write it down in case we forgot them!

And then Sharlene and I sat down, at ice cream, and voice our random thoughts. I like "Oops" the best. But Marcus' "Now that you've dropped your ice cream, look what a mess you've made" too. HOW EXCITING. Rubs hands in glee. Scary of course, but lets just try to have fun for once man.

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM. It's going to be a tough and freaky joy ride. Like a roller coaster you ride once but never will forget. Shall not reveal more, come find out for yourself.

2005-10-23T00:30:00.000+08:00

This is so confusing. I'm 17, and already I get sick of life sometimes. I know I shouldn't, cos whatever I get upset or worried about now is so miniscule, but i still do. At the same time,being 17, my life isn't supposed to be this complicated yet. I forget how to just be happy sometimes, and it's not completely my fault I am who I am today. But then again, maybe my mind isn't mature enough to face the real world yet.

I really really wish I could be less uptight about things. Just believe and know that everything will eventually work out. But envy and insecurity always come in the way. I don't know how to get over it, and it's eating and squirming it's way through my mind, possessing me and making me plain weird.

We had a talk on admissions to local universities this morning. My dad was advising me that i should do either Law (NUS) or Business at SMU. I was just looking through the brochures and booklets, and I don't really think Law is for me. Business just looks more broad and interesting with modules about advertising, marketing, management, relations, all that. Law's more narrow in a way, focusing on just all the different types of Law. Of course, the job opportunities for both are equally good I suppose. But I can't really say it's for sure, cos I hardly know much about the two, just making assumptions. I might be wrong.

Sometimes I feel sad that I'm not who my parents would like me to be. I mean, I do okay at school and I don't get into much trouble, but neither am I absolutely outstanding at anything. I'm sure every parent wants to show off a little, say their daughter's won an award for being the best in something, but unfortunately I don't think I have any such gift to give me such an advantage. Or maybe I haven't discovered it yet. But still, it's just sad to know you can't make your parents as happy as you want them to be. I can always force myself and push myself really hard, but I guess I'm quite selfish too, I want to live my life for myself.

Maybe that's why I really feel like I've gotten nowhere. What's the use of knowledge if your mind's dead and rotting? And what use is it to simply be good in one specific area without knowing anything at all about other relevant, world-changing issues? What's the point of knowing, if you don't have an opinion? Singapore's taken the wrong route, right from the beginning. We're all dumb, lets face it. If we were to go out into the real world and have a chat with a good student in another developed country, we'd shut up in a second realising how dumb we are.

To the day we discover that below the tip of the ice lies the huge ice berg, cheers.

2005-10-17T00:31:00.000+08:00

HAROLD PINTER WON A NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE!

I especially thought it was hilarious how his father just said "Oh well, carry on" when he saw his son tearfully writing a love poem at 6am in the morning. hahahahaaha funky daddy man.

What a difference in culture. All these little things keep reminding me that if I want to go to America, I have to be prepared for a culture shock. Incidentally my father was just telling me today, that however much we'd like to deny it, and however much they DO deny it over there and everywhere in the West, I will be discriminated against because I am Asian. The whole idea of them being superior because of their history of colonialisation still lives man.

I know it's a serious issue, but I just said - "Look, I'm sure not everyone has the same story to tell. I'm sure lots of Asians love it there too!"

My father just said - "Don't be too idealistic". I guess it's true. It may not be the cruel, insensitive kind of discrimination, but there will be some when looking for jobs etc.

Oh well, you win some you lose some. What's the point of living if you don't live it to the fullest right. Take up some challenges and do something different. If you don't like it you can go back to where it all started can't you?

Talking about living life to the fullest, I felt so revitalised yesterday at Open House, not caring about what anybody thought of me and just having a blast. Doing funny tableux (and even having people taking photos with us! haha) and blading and almost (I emphasise, only ALMOST) falling all over the place. It was fantastic to see so many people interested in TSD too, despite the lack of BOYS, but it was also heart-breaking to know that a lot of people, though still hoping, knew they may not make it to where their dreams were.

But I think it's all fate. Yes, here I go again, but what else would you expect from a girl who wanted to go to ACJC since sec 3 until the ABSOLUTE LAST MINUTE, and is now elated where she is? I believe you'll end up where you should end up. And that is all.

Anyway, my mom's going to be giving away the kitten my brother found tmr. I think she's going to give it to the SPCA, cos she doesn't want us to get too attached to it since we can't keep it. Firstly because my cat feels left out and secondly a lot more responsibility will be required. I just really hope they don't kill it. :(:(

Oh and for some odd reason, I've been thinking a lot about marriage recently. Wouldn't it be nice to complain and do stupid things in front of the person you love and know it will not change they way he thinks about you in anyway? Being loved for who you are- how wonderful.

My aunt's still in hospital. I really hope she gets better soon. Family's really the only thing that will always be with you throughout life... When all her sisters came down from Jakarta, visited her everyday, massaged her feet, combed her hair, told her she was going to be okay, it just somehow felt that it really was going to turn out fine. I really hope it does with God's good grace.

Promo results out soon. Brr....The small things we fuss about.

Would you give up treasure for love?

2005-10-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

KEEP BALI BEATIFUL U SHITS. WHAT THE **** IS ****cKING WRONG WITH YOU FOOLS.

It's so sad to know that my most favourite place in the world is being destroyed, part by part over time. I remember the first time I stepped there I couldn't stop smiling because it was so peaceful, so welcoming, so PURE. And now those assholes are taking it away from me for their own selfish motives. I just don't get it- how the heck will bombing civillians help you attain that heightened state in your religion? That is not religion you refer to, it's the work of the Devil. I know what your religion is, I have seen it, I have heard it, I have felt it from the people around me. They are kind, they do good, that's what your religion is. Not ur *cking crazy mindsets that everything will work out this way. There's hardly any paradise left on this earth, why are you taking away what's left of it.

It's sad to know that those wonderful times I spent there will never be felt by anyone for a long time anymore. Bali's ability to make even the most tensed relax, the most proper go wild, be human again. Nope, no more. There'll always be a fear now. Always.

I don't even know if the people I met, those who made my days with smiles and showed me the beauty of life by simply inviting me over to their stores or braiding my hair and giving me a manicure and pedicure next to the pool.. I don't even know if they're alive anymore.

When they report of the bombs at the various places every single memory comes rushing back because i KNOW those places, exactly, I was THERE, shopping eating drinking relaxing, and it hurts so much I feel like crying.

Why.Why Bali Beautiful. WHY in the first place.

2005-09-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

HELLO PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! (or rather those who are inquisitive enough to visit my blog).

Hasn't it been long. Life's been pretty stagnant, if you're interested. But I've been especially missing TKGS alot. ALOTT. I think it's got to do with the whole pre-exams stressing out/worrying/feeling inconfident thing. Maybe it's cos then I had support no matter what then- from friends i knew would be there for me through thick or thin even if we had different goals in life- whereas now I can't help feeling like everyone's suspicious of back-biting all the time. Like even if a genuine question is asked, it's taken the wrong way to be seen as having a selfish motive behind it.

It's not that I can't get through it with a safety net, but I guess it's just nice to get some reassurance sometimes. You know, to help you remember what you're capable of and give you the extra oomph you need to finish the last lap. For some reason, despite having a couple of good friends here, I can't help thinking that nobody really cares. Of course, with the exception of friends who go long back.

I bet you have no clue what I'm talking about.

Perhaps I am guilty of this as well. I mean, I try as much as I can to always be there for everyone, but I can't deny I too can be selfish sometimes. But i do try, and that's a good thing right, as compared to those who cannot be bothered. I guess at the end of the day, it really comes down to what you expect to have in a good friend- someone who understands you well but may not always be there for you, or someone who might me missing in action half the time but you know will stand by you no matter what. I definitely believe in the latter. And speacial thanks to my SHANTI for proving me right :). It's really been HER constant support that has kept me going lately.

But what's the point of remiscing about the past when you have to live in the present. All i can do is just keep wishing and praying that those who I consider my closest friends in school truly are those who I can rely on. I just really hope I'm not deluding myself.

Because for now, I really feel so distanced from everyone. And this alienation hasn't happened for the first time. That's really telling.. If I'm at fault, I wouldn't mind changing my ways. But the thing is, I really can't see where I went wrong along the way.

2005-09-05T00:38:00.000+08:00

4 more days 4 more days 4 more days i wish there was no such thing as time no such thing as distance space or matter i wish there was just you and me and no troubles and no worries no need to feel a sense of loss just happiness the happiness you've made me feel like i've never felt before.

mental preparation.

today i met my father's friend who did his first degree at the Universitiy of Pennsylvania and then his second degree in Law at Harvard. I'm just stunned at the prospects in America..i WILL WORK HARD. determination determination. i want to tell all of you all about it! but i really need to pee and i'm not in the mood. *JOURNALISM*

COME ON TASH BE STRONG. THERE'S A GOOD REASON TO EVERYTHING. BE HAPPY THERE'LL BE NO MORE DISTRACTIONS. SMILE COS IT HAPPENED AND COS EVERYONE APPROVED OF IT THIS TIME.

you were the first one the first one for so many things you thought me you cared for me you showed me who i am and they all liked you. i'll never forget you never ever.

2005-08-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

ATTENTION: YOU!

The TSD Year 1 batch will be performing their duologues on Monday and Tuesday this week from 4pm to 7pm and 4.50pm to 7pm respectively. Do join us for a wonderful evening but please, come with NO expectations because we are still amateurs experimenting:). Karmun and I will be performing a duo full of TENSION but love too on Tuesday, so come support!

Anyway.

It's been such a roller coaster for me lately. I realise i don't practice what I preach. I'm going around telling people to appreciate and cherish what they have while they have it but I myself am not.

I wish i could turn things back to 2 yrs ago when I was less cynical and allowerd myself to dream and fantasize up on cloud 9. Now i question everything. I'm such a coward, so afraid of retribution or any shit like that.

How I wish I could just listen to my heart for once. Wouldn't we both be happy? But how can I when I can't even differentiate between my heart and my mind anymore. How can I when I feel that I should be paying more attention to other things, and not you.

I want to push you away. So far away that I will never remember you, never know you or feel you again. That way, you will never be able to hurt me.

What am I saying. You are going away.

2005-08-19T22:21:00.000+08:00

HELLO ALL! It's been some time hasn't it. I've been really busy past week, front of house-ing for the Dim Sum Dollies and working on our duo! It's been really interesting..I initially thought FOH-ing was going to be a drag. You know, stand behind a counter waiting for people to come up to have a look at the counter and because most of them are Singaporeans they'll say "Waaah so expensive ah?! Got discount anot?" when they KNOW there isn't. But no! It was actually an extreeeeemely enjoyable and a fabulous experience and it really opened my eyes to some things.

For one, the contrast between how those who were sitting at the more expensive seats and those sitting at the cheaper seats treated us was so stark. I remember on my first day, I was doing counter on the first level, and everytime I tried to sell something or promote the merchandise, I was simply ignored like I wasn't even there! It's really ironic cos I remember I got all excited and rubbed my hands with glee when I saw some clean-shaven dude wearing a suit and clutching on to his fat wallet after paying for a freaking over-priced $9.00 been and I approached him saying "YEAAH BINGO!.. would you like a program for just $2, sir?" but I got absolutely NO reaction. Nevermind, maybe, just maybe he didn't hear me right? So I shift a little and put myself DIRECTLY in front of his fat face and say, "Evening sir, program for $2 only!" with the same big, chirpy grin and I think, yep, he's definitely going to buy it but BUT but- what does he do? He gives me this murderous look that I just knew had an underlying threat that if I spoke even another word to this godly man he would send his army of thousand men to stalk me for the rest of my life and ensure I never find any happiness or satisfaction in anything I do. So I stand paralysed, shivering and teeth chattering until he finally (OH SWEET LORD!) decides to have mercy and give me another chance. GEE, I'M SORRY KIND SIR. MY BAD.

But of course I shouldn't be so biased. Among the rich ones there are a few kind-hearted wonderful people who realise how $2 will not cringe them in any way. I remember a few buying for the mere sake of supporting us and our enthusiasm, shouting and well for some.. singing songs and er, attempting to shout ;). We really appreciated that.

The most enlightening day was yesterday though. I was positioned at Circle 2 and so basically catered to those who bought the cheaper tickets. Most of them had hearts of gold.. smiling and saying "no thank you!" really politely if they didn't want to buy a program. Some even striked up conversations or took a moment to say, "Good job!". It may seem like something so small and trivial but trust me, when you're doing it at 10pm at night after a looong day, it feels hell good. The nicest thing was when a bunch of primary school students came in in a flock, all carrying programs and giving us big grins and thank-yous whenever we shouted "Enjoy the show!" and when a few of them actually turned back to compliment us and say we were pretty. :):). Now THOSE kind of people, I likeee.

It's these humanly humans that I hope make it big someday because a lot of people forget where they started off from once they do get themselves somewhere.

Moving on, today's Rakshabandhan. It's a Hindu festival, when the sister performs a pooja (prayer) for her brothers to hope that they will always be kept happy and blessed, and ties a holy string called the rakhi around them to secure their bonds and express her love for them. In return *KACHING!* they give her a present or money. I've a confession though. I didn't even know it was Rakshabandhan until i went to school today and I happened to talk to some of my seniors and they mentioned it. I felt horrible! My mom probably forgot to tell me because I've been so busy, and I really felt so ignorant and selfish. But I did tie them the rakhis earlier, doing a silent prayer for them in my mind, and hoping that our relationships would improve. I'm close to Dev, but Karan and I...sometimes I even forget that he is my brother and just think of him as an acquaintance. It's no use denying it, I may love him with all my heart but sometimes I really do wish that we didn't act the way we do to each other. I'm sure I have my flaws.. but a lot of things he does I'm sure are unnecessary and irrational, and can be avoided for. You give some, you get some. But then again, experience has thought me that a lot of times, even if I'm bursting to say something, I should just shut up. Love is the strongest thing and even if I have to live an unfortunate life someday, I know that they'll always be there for me. They may not show it, but they'll always be there. The blood-bond cannot all will not ever be broken.

As for the visitor, he's still around..somewhere. It's quite sad how thing's have changed so much because of my decision. I mean, what's wrong with being friends, right? I'm quite sure he has moved on, whether he's sincere or not about whatever he's moved on to, I don't know. In a way, I'm happy for him because I know what it's like when you're stuck to something and can't free yourself no matter how much you try or lie.. but then again, there's always the lingering feeling of what if. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for persisting my decision even though a lot of people said I should've just given it a shot cos I stood by my morals and all that I believe in. I have my pride and dignity too and it should be respected. I wouldn't want to have to confess to doing something stupid later, if anything ever blossoms out of anything else. And it's really quite telling, how many hours with one person may make you feel good and happy but a minute with someone else can make your heart beat a million times a second and just keep you grinning for a few days. So why lie to myself for the sake of having a rebound? I'd rather be true.

Karm and I started on our duo too, and I'm HYPER excited about it! It's really crazily challenging. Every millisecond is important and significant, but I'm sure we'll get through it. I'm really happy she's my duo partner because even though we're always late for classes together and do too much crap, we always work together and complement each other's thoughts. Yep, really appreciative of her :). So everyone! Be sure to come down from 5-7pm on Monday and Tuesday of the last week of August for our DUO CARNIVAL and let us amateurs grow up right in front of your very eyes ;).

An old man, turned 98
He won the lottery, and died the next day
It's a black fly in your chardonnay
It's a death row pardon, two minutes too late

And isn't it ironic?Don't you think?

It's like rain, on your wedding day
It's a free ride, when you've already paid
It's the good advice, that you just didn't take
And who would've thought? It figures

Mr. Play-It-Safe, was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase, and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life, to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought, "Well isn't this nice"?

And isn't it ironic?Don't you think?

It's like rain, on your wedding day
It's a free ride, when you've already paid
It's the good advice, that you just didn't take
And who would've thought? It figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out
When you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

A traffic jam, when you're already late
A no smoking sign, on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn't it ironic?Don't you think?A little too ironic?Yeah I really do think

It's like rain, on your wedding day
It's a free ride, when you've already paid
It's the good advice, that you just didn't take
And who would've thought?It figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny, funny way,helping you out
Helping you out

-Ironic. ALANIS MORISETTE

2005-08-05T22:33:00.000+08:00

GROANSSSSSS. Have you ever felt like punching someone with all your might so that they'd be toothless and have a crooked nose for the rest of their life? But you CAN'T cos you CARE about them? Cos if you did, you'd know exactly how I'm feeling right now. *breathes in, out, in, out...*

I think i woke up on the wrong side of my bed today. I woke up feeling really irritated with everything and not wanting to go to school but I had to because I didn't yesterday. When I got there everything seemed so uninterestingly normal. It's quite sad what a routine things have become. And what's worse, is that even friends don't seem to appreciate each other anymore, because their friendship has become part of that routine.

At least I speak for myself. It's just the truth..I really do feel that sometimes we're friends just for the sake of being friends. But then again when I reflect on it, I wonder if this is just the inevitable outcome of spending too much time with one person. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I've always hated chasing after people and being the one to make the initiative. Sometimes I really wish I could let things be the way they are and face it.. but I guess growing up being the oldest, and the only girl, has a lot to do about how I need to fix things if they're not right because I know I can't depend on anyone else.

Anyway, whatever it is I might as well not think about it. Thinking too much just complicates everything.

Moving on to happier thoughts, which RARELY appear on my blog because I only seem to find a need to write in here when I need to clear my thoughts. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IS OUT!!! I can't wait to watch it! But i think I'll only get time next week. ALSO, I'll be going for NDP at the Padang this year and I really really really reallly reaallllyy hope *crosses fingers tightly* that my darling Taufik will be there! Except that I might just melt right then.

That'd be bad, you know. It'd just spoil all our plans about getting married.

2005-07-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

As i write there is a moth flying around me. You know what they say- that when a moth enters your house, it is a sign that a visitor is about to arrive soon. Hmm. I remember once, there was a huge, beautiful moth that entered my house. It was a mixture black, brown, beige and white in colour and was the size of my palm. When my mom called me to have a look at it, I was so fascinated I ran to grab my camera and took a photo of it. Surprisingly, it didn't fly away even though there was a flash.

We had visitors consistently for about 2 weeks after that.

This moth that flies around me is a tiny one. It's so small, I can't even quite tell what colour it is, it just looks brownish. Come to think of it, sometimes even the entrance of one person in your life can make such a big difference. Or exit for that matter.

I'm sure most of you are wondering how I'm coping with my horrible depressing breakdown on Friday. It was really really really sweet of each and everyone of you to tag, message, call, whatever to check that I was okay. Or for some of you who thought I was on the verge of committing suicide, to try and say a few last words to me. Well, whatever the reason, I was really touched. And I felt very loved, which helped ALOT considering the fact that at that point of time my confidence was tarnished and I felt rejected.

It's still quite hard to register it all. I have to keep reminding myself of the truth so I don't do anything inappropriate or stupid. But other than that, I'm quite proud of myself for being strong. Keep telling myself I have to be accepting of it, I mean what else is there for me to do? At least I'm doing what's right, and not secretly plotting some grand scheme to get things to be my way. There IS still some hope deep down inside of me, but I guess that's inevitable. I was sincere about it, so of course it still hurts, but I'm coping.

Fate really works in the most mysterious ways. I believe in fate, so for those of you who don't, just bear with me okay? I mean, I really think sometimes things are too coincidential. Just TOO conincidential to be conincidence, know what I mean? When I was still feeling like shit on Monday, I just HAPPENED to be around when some of my friends were rating the boys and girls in TSD (*shrugs* don't ask me) and one of them, a girl with the prettiest smile, said- "I'd rate Tash an 8.3.. she has a really good heart," and that made my day. Karmun also revealed to me a comment she wrote in her diary a few days ago, which I STILL find hard to believe, but it felt good listening to all that.

Haha. DO NOT WORRY I WILL NOT LET MY HEAD SWELL. I'm a humble girl :). But i really appreciate it all.

Talking bout TSD. We're all having a crazy crazy time trying to juggle homework with CCA and our design ISes all at the same time. I think being in TSD has really changed me a lot. It's turned me into a workaholic, but somehow I feel a lot more liberated. And the things I learn, academic and non-academic, are just so thought-provoking. It has really opened up my mind in so many ways. So even though I'm freaking out, I'm grateful for where I am. And I feel special there, because I'm doing something special.

Anyway, I visited a really racist blog earlier today. I'd rather not paste the link here, in case it's too extreme for some people to bear. I think the author's just really immature. The way he looks at things are just very one-sided and biased. I hope none of you feel hurt if you ever read it, because trust me, he's only one person and the rest of us fortunately have more sense.

I'mm off now. Once again, thanks all.
May your blessed souls be visited by lots and lots of special pretty moths this week. :)

2005-07-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

I don't know if what happened today was a blessing or some sort of punishment. But i do know that when it happened, the world and my mind switched roles- the world stopped for a moment while my head spun like a crazy cotton candy machine.

I guess there's no one to really blame. I mean, I knew it all along.. I just refused to believe it in hope that it wouldn't be true. But at the same time, I feel like smashing everyone else with a sledgehammer because nobody stopped me to give me a reality check. I know I have to look after myself, but don't you guys know how dumb I can get?

Of course I was sad, and I'll admit it. Tears filled my eyes but i held them back in and I DIDN'T cry. I know it sounds stupid, but I just really didn't want to. I didn't think it was a good enough reason.. and I don't want to look back thinking I cried over such a small matter! After all, 4 months isn't a very long time. Like the previous one, I'll get over it.

It's really ironic though..how I keep making the same mistake over and over again. It's like I want to pinch myself and go- "WAKE UP TASH! DOESN'T THIS LOOK FAMILIAR?!?!?!". But I don't because I tend to be idealistic at times and think, oh don't give up just because it didn't work out one time! Just that for me, the "one time" really refers to "all the time".

I don't even know what to do now. I feel lost. Confused, eccentric, lonely, touched all at the same time. I'm really glad i've got friends who are always there for me, it's a wonderful blessing and I'm thankful. I will be strong about the whole thing- and if I try too hard to pretend like nothing's happened, bear with me okay? I tend to be in self-denial a lot, and it'll take time before I get over it.

What's scary is the call I got today. The unexpected expected visitor may arrive soon.. and I don't want to do anything stupid. What perfect timing man. Knowing myself, I'm yet to embark on the exact same journey which will end with me writing a blog entry exactly like this one.

2005-07-16T18:56:00.000+08:00

I think the funniest thing a person can do is laugh at himself.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately (maybe due to the fact that i choose to believe there is nothing better i need to do :) ) and I realise what a great big silly billy i can be sometimes. We were just talking the other day, on the swings- Kar Mun, Pri, Jas and I- about how somehow we feel a lot more judged in VJ than in secondary school. To any Victorian reading this, it's really not the people or the school or anything.. I mean, i love VJ! and i wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.. but instead i think it's got to do with how in secondary school, your friends grow onto and help you find your identity, whereas once u're 17 you sorta know who you are already and that's how you behave.. and so others have to be more tolerant of you.

Maybe the reason i feel judged is because i have a funny.. well, i guess you can call it an insecurity (for the lack of a better word) that makes me want people to like me. I've always had this really idealistic goal that when i die, i want the people around me to cry bucketfulls thinking of how much i've changed their life. Or if it's not people, at least one person. I don't want to leave this world knowing i was an ordinary human being who went about doing her stuff, lost in her own mind. That's why sometimes i try too hard to not offend or be unkind. But I've realised recently that sometimes you HAVE to be frank and slightly aggressive if you don't want to be taken advantage of. And at the end of the day, if your conscience disturbs you, just apologise and explain how sometimes the truth is important. I mean, going about putting on a facade isn't a very morally good thing to do either, is it.

Then, when I look back to see how I've tried so hard to be someone I'm not, I laugh. And my day is made because that's just the funniest thing to do.

(The amount I reveal in this public blog is scary.)

Anyway, moving on. Life has suddenly gained itself a wonderful new importance. Okay okay, maybe the London bomb blasts DO have something to do with this (for those who didn't know, my cousins live off London city! but thank the sweet Lord, they're fine :) ) but also there have been a few surprises for me that make me smile for no reason sometimes and click my heels together in joy. Well, not literally but you know what i mean. Usually, I'm really cynical whenever I get too happy cos i think - DON'T run around in jolly too much Tash or you might just trip and fall! - but you know what, I don't care now.

Because I live once, this is my life, and I shall do as I please.
*slaps forehead*. Silly silly me. Haha.

2005-06-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

I am not sane anymore, that's for sure. I am now an emotionally distraught, self-centred, deluded, oversensitive mental patient who has lost all confidence in everything she ever knew. The world's my biggest enemy, yet it's the only thing I have leaving me with no choice but to accept it.

I can't put my finger on what's happening, but I think I'm alienating myself from everyone and everything. I can't even say who I'm close to anymore.. I don't know who i trust. I don't know who I love, and who I pretend to love and why. Every night i talk to Tali and he seems like the only one who understands and cares, but then how much can a girl talk about to a guy. And how much more can someone know you better than yourself, to give you the right advice and encouragement. Ultimately I'm on my own, no matter what I do. Which is ironic, because I'm so influenced that I don't even have a self to treasure any longer.

What's funny is that there are so many people around.

There's nothing to jump and be happy about, there's nothing to cry for. I've not become numb, things still hurt me, but yet nothing seems to be able to evoke any extreme emotions in me. Everything's changed, and though my hopes are high my expectations are low, and they will remain low. I miss the times when I could just hope high and believe in it. The times when I believed miracles could happen so long as you believe in it.

I wish there was something to look forward to. Because life's just passing by with no significance now.. hour, minute, moment have no value. It's just something I have to go through. Whether i want to or not.

What I want? To leave this damned place, just for a minute. To some paradise where I can be 5 again. Some place where I know I'll be caught if I ever fall, after which my hair will be stroked and from a distance, I'll hear angels singing me my favourite lullaby.

2005-06-14T00:08:00.000+08:00

It's really funny how sometimes you think you've gotten yourself somewhere, and then you look back and realise.. damn i just moved two steps from where i last was. At least that's how it's like for me.

"I can't get no... satisfation." Now doesn't that sound familiar. I don't think i've really felt so insatiable as i do now. I almost feel greedy and selfish. Somehow, i've realised that i have everything i could ever ask for, but at the same time the most important things in life are missing. I think im just growing up, however peculiar that sounds coming from a 17 year old.

My family doesn't look at me the same way anymore, and neither do i to them. There's a slightly larger gap between us now. I don't know who initiated it, but i'm pretty sure it's me. Being so busy with school and everything, i guess they've just been compelled to give me more freedom. Or should i call it independence. I kind of miss them.. but i know sooner or later it would've happened anyway.

I've met people, stangers. But it feels like we've met before. My instincts about people have always been good, if not spot-on. By first glance I can at least tell whether or not that person will be part of my life. Or at least I'd like to think that's how it is. But then again, nobody is as naive as I am. It's usually when I don't manage to twist and turn everything to suit my idealistic mind that i get swept back into reality. And that's when you hear the faint sound of a crack that comes from a deep dark corner in an organ they call the heart.

It's when you find your haven that you get possessive of it. Perhaps that what is is then.. I've built up this fine masterpiece in my mind that I don't want to let go of. And I therefore ensure my sword and shield are always with me to keep off all intruders.

I am so absurd.

2005-05-26T00:17:00.000+08:00

My eyes droop with tiredness and my body is about to collapse but i need to write this, it cannot be put on hold.

VJC met MJC at the Soccer Finals this evening. We fought long and hard with sheer determination but lost by a single penalty kick during the penalty shootout. It was the most fantastic match I've ever seen.. I guess it's different when you watch fab football stars on TV strutting their stuff and when you see boys from your second home playing for you. The VJ Soccer boys, i respect like no other. Soccer is evidently not a CCA whatsoever to them - it's their craft, passion and talent. Training 6 times a week while balancing homework and family and whatnot is a stunt only people with magic qualities can do.. And they had the magic in them.

VJ may have lost - but we lost well. We played with sincerity and love for the sport.. not losing even a single match during the season. It doesn't matter that we didn't win this last match, we're still best at heart.

It was hard for all of us, standing at the grand stand praying, wishing and hoping together for some miracle to happen. The goal we scored was indeed a miracle and it's good that it happened. So what if we missed a few penalty kicks- everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. We can't and we won't blame anyone for it, it's pure luck. More than anything else I'm so proud of everyone for being so strong about everything. Sure there were tears, but along with that were continued cheers and pats of encouragement. Now doesn't that tell us something.

I still love my VJ and they're still MY winners. My heroes. They did us proud and they'll continue to, I have faith. Lets just wait till next year.

2005-04-16T13:10:00.000+08:00

I know why I've been moody lately!! I've been using the wrong technique for acting.. i thought Method acting involved bringing back past memories to stimulate the desired feelings in you but my senior says that can make a person traumatic! OH NO! haha i better stop. anyways like tali said, u shudn't even think bout such past memories.. ever. what's done's done.

PSST- anyway, we went to watch Boeing Boeing yesterday and i tell you it was just absolutely hilarious! Pamela Ooi is juz amazing, she's definitely one of my idols. and Brandon Fernandez is so cute! haha it's such an honour to know that he was from TSD too :). i absolutely LOVE the Phillipino maid and her, err, unique pink hat- "It's not easyyyy" she says and then mumbles away. "They told my mother, your daughter is very hardworking but her body is very fragile, can't you seee?" (when she's actually, well, quite big in size...) hahaha laugh until can die man.

Also, I've been realising lately, due to certain occurrances etc, that i really have more than any girl could ask for. and i'm just so so thankful for everything. and karm- here's a PUBLIC BIG THANK YOUUUUUUUU! for being such an amazing friend. i've only known u for like 4 mths and already u have helped me in a million different ways. things would be so different without you and im so appreciative of you. I'll never forget what you said- about having faith in people, circumstances, yourself, everything. love you lots girl :)

Ahhh I'm so glad it's the weekend, i need to rest my bones for a bit and I can't wait for Sound of Music tmr.. oh yes and we beat RJC 4-NIL SINE LABORE at soccer! woohoo! *jumps for joy* haha till later then. have a good weekend!

2005-04-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

I miss my friends. I don't want to lose them.

I miss my bestest friend whom I hardly get to talk to and when we do it's so... shallow these days. I don't want to lose her.

I miss my ex-classmates. I miss laughing non-stop with them and just having a blast without caring bout anything else in the world. I miss talking to them, bout my life, my wishes, my problems, my loves, everything. I don't want to lose the best years of my life.

I miss taking my dog for walks often and just blading with no care along the beach.

I miss watching DVDs. I don't want to lose my dreamland.

I miss fantasizing, and having something to fantasize about. And not being afraid to fantasize about it.

I miss being a kid. I don't want to lose myself.

2005-04-03T15:36:00.000+08:00

WOOHOOOOO! we're still getting first intake! *jumps high and punches fist in air* :D:D. that means we can still carry on with our TSD group & individual prelims next year, with juniors! what a relief. i really dunno how things would work out otherwise. and apparently, everyone will have to take a mix of subjects from both faculties next yr, i.e. there won't even be faculties. to some extent that's really cool cos we can have those science students who wanna take tsd but can't cos it's only for arts students. but on the other hand, we might get slackers who want to do it just for fun. hmm.. but time will tell. only the most dedicated ones will survive!

talking bout school im super lagging behind in my school work. but then again, there's nothing like doing math at home on a rainy afternoon. haha i may not be very good at it but hey.. so long as i like what im doing!

"Some people are born great, some people achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them." damn. what a lucky lot the last bunch is.

2005-03-27T23:29:00.000+08:00

A new beginning! A new start! My surprise! Tomorrow will be a special day.

2005-03-25T23:51:00.000+08:00

She looks at the young man in his teens with a slightly disgusted and irritated look on her face while he tries to put some Colour on her.

she: (as she looks down and dusts her perfectly clean and ironed blouse) oh don't do that! this blouse is from Marks and Spencers u know, it costed me a whole THIRTY pounds.

He gives her an irritated look and walks away upon realising she's no fun.
She turns to her side and catches the eye of her unsuspecting niece.

she: oh hello! so how... how did you do for your O levels?

She: 9 points.

she: how many A1s did you get?

She: 3 A1s, 3 A2s.

she: oh, and where you at now?

She: VJC.

she: OH!!!!!!!! YOU GOT IN?!

She: Uh... yes.

she: but how DID you?! my neighbour got 6 A1s and couldn't get into VJC.

She: Oh, really? Well it depends on what subjects she got the A1s for..

she: hmm. yes. (pauses for a while) well you know, 9 points isn't all that good. i mean, it's so common these days for people to get 6 or 7 A1s. you got 10 points for your prelims didn't you? i was expecting you to do much better! i mean, the prelims are so much harder right.

She: (looks at her in shock as a wave of sadness fills over).

she: right?

There is a moment of silence as she awaits what She has to say.

She: Well, I'm happy.

And She walks away, squeezing her eyes to control the tears from spilling out.

2005-03-24T22:51:00.000+08:00

AHH..the prelims are finally over. I feel so relieved, it's as though MY prelims just ended. I cannot believe it's already March, I still remember the first day in VJ when we had our briefing on subject combinations, and I asked the TSD teahers and seniors- "So, what do you learn in TSD?" I remember I didn't get a proper answer. Now i know why, it's cos there's just too much to say.

It's been such a FABULOUS journey. Sometimes i catch myself in the moment feeling sad cos it's going to be over (the prelims) and then tell myself- HEY! There's still A's lah goon. And i feel better :). Haha.. No I'm NOT crazy to like late nights in school but it's just a special touch the whole place has to it that makes you addicted. It's my new drug.

I really think the SC did a good job for O2 :) and I'm proud of them! Firstly, the theme Vtv is so funky! With all the genres and all. Secondly, fact that it's only been sucha short time that they've all known each other makes the fact that they worked together so efficiently extremely impressive. Thirdly, creative ideas like the World Tour and *OMG* dancing around Suntec's Fountain of Wealth was soo brilliant! Actually, we were supposed to do that for O1 but unfortunately, we couldnt cos of the whole Tsunami thingy.

The funniest thing was seeing all these tourists looking at us and smiling and just sitting down watching us as we danced with no hesitations, with the wind blowing the tiny drops of water unto our faces and the moonlight gleeming down at us. It was such a pretty sight! But the prettiest thing was to see everyone cheering and dancing and screaming and sending out millions of love vibes around in happiness. Suddenly, I know I've found a new home.

Nevertheless, however happy I am there's this tiny part of me deep down that sincerely feels sad because of the fact that not everyone who wanted to come to V did. I almost cried when I saw Rowell's letter yesterday. But stupid donkey it was written BEFORE he found out his appeal got accepted:). I still believe everything happens for a reason, a good one, and that fate brings you to places you need to go. I pray they'll all move on. And I thank God for blessing us all, for it's better to want what you have rather than have what you want.

Today Karmun said- "Christopher Pike has a theory.. He says that every person is split into 3 in the world, as in they may not look the same but they all think and feel the same way. One's the good one, one's the evil one, and the third one's in between." Straight away I knew I was the good one, cos my conscience is annoyingly strong, and Karmun said she thought so too. She said she's in between, which I didn't know whether was true or not because in my opinion she's a good person but well, she should know. As for Priya, she straight-away went "I'M DEFINITELY THE EVIL ONE! MUAHAHAHA!" Hmm..... haha:). But I love her anyways.

Yesterday, when we heard most of the appeals got through, we SCREAMED and cried and hugged and went mad jumping and jumping until our eyes, heads, hands were swollen. We went into the Studio happy to bump out (yes! really!) and danced to Joy to the World:). Hahaha it was really funny with everyone holding brooms and dustpans and mops and carrying props while moving their booties to the beat. It was just, wow, no words can describe it.

I'm so so so thankful, for everything. Why did I once cry, when my parents told me I should go to VJ? Some things, I'll never know.. but that's alright :).

2005-03-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

if i could see i'd rather not have eyes
if i could feel i'd sell my heart to a beggar
if i could touch i would never stand close to any baby
for i am human, and i am capable

of things you cannot imagine.
there are things i wish i never knew
that this mind (it does not listen to me)
i cannot control what it thinks

it is a separate entity.

jealousy isn't the best compliment
it is our greatest curse.
and fate plays games unimaginable to the baby.

2005-03-16T21:42:00.000+08:00

Someday when the sun isn't shining so brightly anymore and the skin on my palms is no longer comparable to a baby's I will write a story about me, my life, and everything I never tried.. because there are so many things in this life I wish I had the guts to do but society, people and family restrict me by nature. Or maybe, my own conscience does.

The fact that i quit Council still lingers at the back of my mind and I haven't registered it. I can't believe after all that I went through, the determination and excitement of it all, it's all over now and over forever. It's very heart-breaking, but I didn't have a choice.. I don't know how the rest do it but I know it won't be wise for me to even try. And to some extent, I thought that the discipline and enthusiam expressed there was just fake and unsincere. I wish I could live a million lives at once, so I can be a perfectionist, a beggar, a sinner and a pastor all at the same time but apparently there's one thing that the world's fair about- and that is that everybody's just got one chance.

I don't know what opportunities I'll miss out on because of my decision, but I guess to some extent im ready to face them all. I mean, I could have continued the journey but I'm really sure it's going to be a stressful one and the last thing I need is even more stress to the amount of stress I'm going to have in the future. My focus for JC is DEFinitely going to be TSD, and so I should focus on it. And hopefully, I'll have more freedom to get involved in other stuff and other CCAs now. Lol, kinda sounds like I'm trying to convince myself.. maybe it's cos I'm a bit sad now, but it's just not been what I wanted it to be so I HAVE to get over it. It was a nice journey tho.

My biggest wish for now is just that those who voted for me won't think I'm terribly irresponsible. I ran for it sincerely, and really wanted to give my 100% to Council and it's just unfortunate that it hasn't worked out for me. I don't know what kind of impression they'll have of me now but I thought long and hard, and all I can do is hope for the best. Perhaps they'll still stick by my side, but I definitely won't force myself to do something I cannot.

Anyway, it's not just Council I'm being restricted to. There are other things too but it's quite inappropriate to type them out here. Actually, nobody really knows about it because I haven't admitted it to myself yet. I'm not even sure. I don't know it's true or if it's just influence or if it's NOT true cos I don't allow it to be. All i know is that circumstances make it VERY hard and I'm really sad about it.. cos I know it involves another person as well. It's very selfish but this is reality and I cannot do stupid things that will hurt others even more later.

So many pieces of the puzzle. Nobody to piece them together.. cos nobody knows what the big picture looks like.

2005-03-05T19:55:00.000+08:00

2005-02-28T22:13:00.000+08:00

hahaha why did i just flood my tagboard when i could've jus written it all here?! ohh i am so touched! today's such a happy day for me.

i was terribly scared and i think tts the reason why i cried. haha..prayed very very hard. then my mom gave me a tight hug and told me it's gonna be okay. and i felt soo much better. my dad told me not to aim to high... he says there are many obstacles in life and they shouldn't be taken so seriously. so long as you do your best.

it was TERRIFYING when i calculated my points wrongly! i just broke down immediately! thought i got a 12. then i counted again.. and i got a 9! i cried like mad with disappointment, but now after reflecting i'm actually really really happy! :) it was mostly over English cos i really wanted a 1 but got a 2 instead. i got a 1 for History, Science(Phy/Chem) and Bio which is really really ironic cos i'm an arts student. Got a2 for English, E Math and A Math. for Combined Humans i got a b3! was horrifyingly shocked but it's okay i accept it :). and Higher Malay got b4! I'm rather satisfied knowing i always failed. haha. I've accepted my fate and i am sooooooooo soo thankful to God for making it all come true for me. at least i get to stay in Vj! oh what a nightmare if i'd have to leave. i am so thankful:).

I am SOO proud of my friends too!!! everyone improved SO drastically, and can do where they want. God bless!! they have all my well-wishes. and i do hope that if there's anybody unhappy with their results, then they'll heck it. it's YOUR life darlings and YOU be happy kays. u choose ur path. IM PROUD OF ALL OF YOU!!

It was AMAAAZING meeting up with everyone again. so splendid.. the entire school atmosphere.. a million hugs and well wishes. Posties from SHAN! :). i miss that. but she's coming to VJ! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I swear I'm elated she's like this protective blanket. when she's around i feel so secure cos i know she'll always be there for me no matter what. we've been thru so much together!

And today when i was stupidly crying, it was my best friends who hugged me and told me it was alright:). Chyi was soo sweet to hug me and support me the whole way when i was freaking out. i love her lots. and Jael.. cracked up some funny joke that made me feel so much better. Isa and Mel and Val are still the bestest ever. Val's STILL INSANE!! hahaha. dear Mel, i know u must still be upset. but rber what i told you okay? anything i'm here:). and anki was soo supportive the whole way! haha she was scolding me for being stupid. I LOVE U SO MUCH BESTIE! to know that u're always here for me is so fantastic:). I'm so proud of u!

We went to slack at town afterwards. I realised I'm happiest when I'm around them. they're the bestest friends a girl could ever ask for and I'll never forget them ever. it's like, we may not meet for ages but still when we do, nothing's different! it's so amazing, I feel so blessed.

I'd thought, when we split.. I'll be soo sad if Jael forgets me. and i thought she did, cos she seemed to really like SA a lot. i was happy for her but i missed her. today was so special.. cos i knew that even if we dont talk for some time she's gonna be silly and crazy and mad and understanding and the only person who tolerates my shit and i will love her forever for that. and i will love everyone else! oh if only we could stay together forever. but nvms:). i am grateful.

so WELL DONE EVERYBODY! hope God will keep you all smiling. just like you've kept me :) always. loves! *MWA*

2005-02-20T20:27:00.000+08:00

the worst thing about everything is knowing you have it all but not being confident and secure about it.

i can't believe that i fuss over the smallest issues. i can't believe how paranoid i get sometimes. i don't even know what it is that i'm scared about but i'm scared anyway.

i'm not going to school tmr cos i have a fever. it's really sad to think that i will be missing what may be my last TSD workshop.. but God have mercy that it won't be because it's one of the most cherished things i have. it's sad to know that i may still have to study tmr in this condition if i decide to go back to school on Tuesday, cos ill have to still take the Math test.

sometimes i sympathise with all of us. to think that we grow up so quickly.. burdened with responsibilities, expectations, worries. or maybe it's just me. the way i approach things.. i'm almost insatiable. if i say yes, i wonder why i never said no. if i say no, i regret never daring to say yes.

i really miss my mom a lot. talked to her ydae and today. she's sick too, with a sore throat:(. i CANT WAIT till she comes back. i know i may not show her as much as i can how much i love her... but in my darkest times just looking at her makes me feel so much better. to know that even if the world turns it's back on me she'll be around. thankfully my dad's here.. i can see he's trying real hard to cover for her absence this short period of time. i love him.

this is when my emotions get in my way............

2005-02-18T16:43:00.000+08:00

i'm sick today so i left school early. the only reason i went was for the CT walkabout. i stayed for math but couldnt take it further. before i went home, i bumped into Mr Harris and asked him if his lesson is going to be important today and he replied, "My lessons are never important. So go home and rest alright." Haha. i thought that was really funny.

let me update you guys on the memorable experience of presenting a speech in front of my entire house, and visiting a total of 6 CTs (with the seniors and juniors combined in each). It has been really exciting, but scary too. i was supposed to give my speech on Monday, but since we didn't have enough time i was pushed to Tuesday. Wow, I'm so thankful. cos when everyone was giving their speech, i realised hardly anyone was listening to what they had to say. now i know what the seniors mean when they say that nobody really listens, and what will make the difference is the WAY u present ur speech.

So despite having stayed up till 12.30am doing my silly first speech, i did the same the next day. i got this FAB idea from Bing Sheng (he is truly a life saver) so i used it. basically, i went up on ostage and sort of said a few lines, as though frm a normal speech, in this terrible monotonous tone. at first i heard some HUHs and HAHAs but i jus buried myself in the paper. then, i was like u noe what, forget it. i crumpled up the piece of paper and bombarded everyone asking them to just trust me cos i wouldnt be standing there otherwise. which is true. now that i think about it i don't know why i bothered writing a proper speech. i mean, they've got to trust me.. if they don't, how will i ever be able to serve and represent the school for them rite?

the speech lasted a mere 30 seconds, but in my opinion, it contained everything i needed to say:).

we hardly had time for a Q n A session, which was a reaaaaally lucky thing. we only got 2 questions, one from our hse cap. asking why hardly any of us were at soccer matches. 2 of my friends told him it's cos a lot of us were preparing for other competitions. i was at the match for a short while tho.. so i said that i apologise on everyone's behalf.

CT walkabout was an experience ill NEVER forget. most of the classes asked normal questions, but i did get some weird ones. Like one of my friends asked me, "you're from TSD right? so how do we know you're not acting now?". i'd heard about this one before, and heard that it made one of my seniors cry last year. i hadn't prepared any answer yet, but i basically said that firstly, TSD isn't all about acting. there's movement, lights, sound etc etc. secondly, it's not so easy for us in TSD. we have to "get into character", which takes time. 1 hr for some. i asked them, "do you really think that for the past 1 hr i have been trying to 'get into character' to be a good role model for all of you?" they were dumbfounded:).

Oh, and just for the record, i'm majorly screwed for life to be a geeky weeky. cos in another CT, this boy (who *grrr* was a candidate who dropped out) asked me- "a lot of girls in VJ don't wear their belts. if you become a Councillor, will you be a good role model, and wear yours?". i was like. oh.my.sweet.Lord. tell me your kidding please please please.. but i tried to look calm and i was like "why don't any of them wear their belts?" According to one girl, it's really uncomfortable. so i said that i would if that will help everyone abide by the school's rule... they asked us more questions, but i was still thinking about that. later, i asked him again "but.. why don't u think that the girls STILL don't wear their belts despite the Councillors wearing them?" he gave some crappy answer that made everyone laughed. i just left it at that.

other questions i got were like- if u could be an element on the Periodic Table, which one would it be? i answered Neon. and who would u vote for if u only had one vote? (that came from the hse cap's class). Benjamin said me, so i felt obliged to say him. though i kind of wanted to say Priya, cos the day before the hse cap said that he wouldnt vote for her because he thinks she speaks in a very arrogant manner, and i wanted to erase that thought from him mind. but honestly speaking, i don't think there's anyone i can point out to vote. everyone's working equally as hard. actually, i was rather scared to enter the hse cap's class after hearing Priya's story but surprisingly, he didn't ask me a thing.

there was another CT in which one Councillor asked me who i would vote OUT if i could. i was just about to say i refuse to answer that question when thankfully, Madhu saved me and said, "hey! is that what they teach you in Council? to not support ur fellow nominees?" so the councillor just kept quiet:). the same Councillor also asked me and Ben to leave an impression in a minute (another famous question i had heard about). i said that there was so much to me to be summarised in a minute but she said i had to anyway. while Ben gave a short speech i cracked my brain on what to do. finally, i decided that though i'm sick, i HAVE to do this well if i want their votes. so i told them, okay i have a sore throat.. and i suck at singing so don't mind if this is terrible not melodious but i'm going to sing to all of u my most fav song, stay the same. i told them to listen to the lyrics especially and i felt so proud when the entire class really did pay attention to it. i sort of inspired them to never take criticism to heart n that was very satisfying for me cos i love motivating others:).

besides that, one CT was really not paying us much attention( and we thought they were doing it on purpose to see if we could control them) so we had to remind them that we only had 5 mins and stuff. when that didn't work, i decided hey let me use one of my lame jokes to use and told them my famous knock knock cow joke which was terribly LAME but they laughed anyway and that sort of got the ball rolling and got them to pay attention to us:).

looking back, i think i'm really going to miss all this once it's really over. but for now i'm still looking forward to more experiences. the thing i'm really praying for now, is that all my good friends will get into Council. all of them want it so badly and i really wish with all my heart they will.

also, today i was telling my friend- "you know what's the scariest thing? to know that we may not be here one week from now". Im so scared. VJ has become my second home, the biggest part of my life next to my family. i love everyone and everything and every minute i spend there. without it, i will be incomplete.

2005-02-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

i think i have found my long lost passion for reading. i know i've loved to write for as long as i can remember.. but somewhere along the way i became too busy to read.

but now, i think i've found it again. the thing that drives me on. and i am really happy.

haha. "Just a bit of silliness, really."

2005-02-11T11:47:00.000+08:00

Man is a Tantalus who cannot be saved from his punishment: he is destined never to achieve what he longs for. Moreover, while the fox has his lair and the bird its nest, man has no place to repose from his misery.

Basically, Artaud’s thesis is that society defends itself from great innovators by labeling them mad.

-S. Giora Shoham on Antonin Artaud

2005-02-08T23:20:00.000+08:00

oh shux. i miss my mom :(. ALOT. she just left yesterday and already i miss her. how will i survive for 3 weeks? sobsssss. i want my mommy.

i want i want i want i want i want.

and something really freaky is happening to me. there's like something bugging me... my conscience i think. i dunno what it's trying to tell me. i think im deprived of something. i can't tell what it is. or maybe i sub-conciously don't want to admit it. i dunno.

it's a holiday tomorrow. YES.

i went back to TK today. i love i love i love i love that place. it felt like going home..it was so comfortable. i love everyone. we ate pasta after that. i love pasta. i love everyone.

one of my friends said she didnt come back to TK cos she didnt miss it. i felt insulted, sorta. it's like saying she doesn't miss me. TK is a part of me.

shit. tali's on the phone. i made him hold on. die. gtg Happy Chinese New Year u guys! kisses~

2005-02-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

HELLO HELLO jobless people who read my blog. i feel good today. i feel love around me. im quite ecstatic. i love that place. but i cannot get attached to it so soon because nothing is confirmed. anything can happen i have realised.. every moment can make such a big difference.

but school is interesting. :) we have LOCKERS! yayness. finally i dont have to carry crap around with me. i would jolly well leave my entire bag in there for the entire day and entirely "forget" to bring my books to lectures but unfortunately i cannot do that because of the fact that other people being so, um, PRECISE (yes, that's the word..) makes me feel so guilty.

there is a breed of people in VJC that i have yet to get used to. see, in TKGS it was very motivating for me. i don't work well with competition, and i always knew that. but then how much can i ignore when it's all around me. in VJC, every word the teacher says is *sacred*. u can hear the sound of pencils furiously scribbling away in lectures, and you sometimes hear the rare sound of people clapping after lectures.

... i don't know either. it does make me feel lousy sometimes but i'm sure ill get used to it. i'll just go at my pace. im no genius, but i'm willing to try rights.

oh shut up liar. HAH.

perhaps im being paranoid. but, who wouldnt be with reincarnationS (note the 'S') of Einstein himself around. oh and i realised, i SO have to read more. my general knowledge completely sucks. someone force me to read Times every month and i will offer you a reward beyond your imaginations.

i said shut up liar.

I think i think too much. I contemplate, and then i think about comtemplating. HMM.

Do you believe in fate?

When things happen, it's always a matter of fate vs. coincidence. i really can't decide.. sometimes i think everything's just meant to be. but if that's the case, then will a poor farmer ever strike it rich by merely depending on the weather? i think not. but neither do i think so.

If fate exists, then we will never have to worry. I don't have to worry about my O's results coming out this month, and i shouldn't dream of how life will be like if i marry a king. sorry, i meant WHEN i marry a king. :). but yet i do.. and so do many others. is it cos we're not sure? then we can't say we believe in fate can we. we can only THINK it exists.

so then, if it doesn't exist.. what is it that decides what happens in life?
what decides who i meet tomorrow, and at what second a baby will be born at next?
could it just be coincidence?

i dunno. i was just thinking todae. it's so mind-boggling. i wish Jael was here, we'd go on n on bout this. she's like the only person who has a mind as weird as mine. but she too has disappeared.
Now who/what decided that?

We learnt something very thought-provoking in Lit class today. Do u realise that we sub-conciously desire alot that animals have? For one, the fact that their lives are not as artificial as ours, with perfect schedules. And they're wild, crazy as can be, they do no care what kind of image they portray to society and they do not care about As and CCA points. they do not wear watches they just use their instincts. they do not exchange paper for food, they reward themselves after a challenge of getting it themselves. how terribly interesting. but then again, the grass always seems greener on the other side until you get there. for all you know, other members of the Natasha species may be out there envying me because i get to sleep on a bed. i dunno.

i've got to sleep now. im crewing for Khairul tomorrow. his I/S (individual skill) kind of rocks. i have become so busy i sometimes forget to breath. oh wells. bubbye jobless people.

2005-01-29T23:22:00.000+08:00

kOLgUy says:
hey, reading ur blog now..
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
ohh wow thats quick
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
how is it
kOLgUy says:
oh well..
kOLgUy says:
i'm suprised ur so blur..
kOLgUy says:
i mean, i always thought u were lucky lah..
kOLgUy says:
but well..
kOLgUy says:
nvm..
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
so blur??
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
why??
kOLgUy says:
cos u didnt know that like ppl had so many family probs and all that
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
i did la
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
but i didnt noe that they reacted tt way
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
anwyay, critic all u want
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
i dont care
kOLgUy says:
ok ok, ok madam...
kOLgUy says:
i know u dont care..
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
........
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
i mean
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
its my opinion what
kOLgUy says:
yea, and i'm not critizing or anything
kOLgUy says:
i just i'm suprised u didnt know of all this..
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
it's different when u read abt it
NatashA someday i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me.. says:
and when ur frens tell u themselves

2005-01-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

ello! :). hasn't it been long! haix. im so sorry bout my screwed up tag board u guys. honest, ill do sth bout it soon okay. i don't even noe howta tag on it now ahaha.

there's soo many tings i wana tell u guys abt! but i really don't have the energy. heh..the reason i felt like blogging it's cos somethings have occurred that touched a part of my heart i never knew existed.

the first thing that happened was when we were having orientation. it was completely normal..and super fun. but when i was walking back to school after our sea regeatta one day, i started talking to a flickmate. i shan't say what her name is, but she looks and sounds like she isn't from singapore, tho she actually is. i don't remember how the conversation got so deep..but basically, this is her story:

Lets call her Daisy. Daisy's family isn't very well off.. because their business didn't make it too far. She lives in a small apartment with her family. She actually has an older sister and older brother, but they don't live in Singapore anymore. Daisy's sister is away in Germany, because she wanted to pursue a degree and rathered it be there, where education is provided free. However, everything is in German. Well, obviously none of us living and studying locally are ever able to have such a good grasp of the language to actually pursue degrees in them, but Daisy's sister was amazingly determined. She studied the subject, self-taught herself everything, then flew off. Her family had to support her for the first year.. but by the end of it, her parents told her that they can't afford to support her anymore. And for the past 3 years, she has been simultaneously working and studying, supporting herself. Daisy's brother got a scholarship..to NUS i think, where's he's doing really well. If I'm not wrong, Daisy wants to be a doctor..but her parents cannot support her anymore. She said that they have no college funds for her, and therefore her only way of achieving her dreams is to get a scholarship.

Upon hearing Daisy's story, my heart shattered to pieces, literally. i felt like slapping myself because all of a sudden i felt so guilty about the way i treat my blessings, the way i spend my allowance, the way i appreciate everything around me. my dad always told me, never pity the people you see going around knocking your door trying to sell you their product..or even the kids who sell tissue paper at hawker centres. Because it's them who are going to make it big someday. It's them who really know the meaning to shedding blood and tears to survive. not brats like me, and probably you since you are joblessly reading my post, who get it easy most of the time.

I hugged Daisy and wished her all the best from the bottom of my heart. I said a little prayer for her. She said she wasn't sure if she could.. and I told her that where there's a will there's a way. I saw so much hope in her eyes.. her smile was so genuine. I don't think i felt better in my life before.

The second thing that happened was with a girl who i've become rather accustomed to now. again, i won't give any hints as to who she is, but her story was something i never predicted. lets call my friend Rose.

Rose was walking with me to the bus stop one day when she told me her story. Again, i have no idea or remembrance of how it came up, but it did. She was telling me about how she told her mother that she had a boyfriend, and how her mother said- "Wow my daughter has a man and I don't!" and laughed about it. i questioned why her mother said that, and this is what she told me: Her father has had an affair for about 2 years, if i'm not wrong, and her mother completely knows about it. but her parents are not divorced, due to financial reasons i think. she's quite well off, don't get me wrong, but it'll be better for the family if her parents were to be divorced 5 years from now. Because then, her sister will be old enough to work, and the family will be supported. Rose is completely fine with it. She told me it was really hard to accept at first, but now she's used to it.

I didn't show Rose exactly how i felt. all i did was tell her that i was sorry.. but since she seemed so cool with the entire fact, i decided to just drop the subject. but as i was going home i realised something i didn't before. I'd always heard stories from my tutors, friends, etc that a lot of kids who grow up in troubled homes where parents don't get along, usually have to look after themselves. They naturally lack attention from their parents and therefore are forced to chose their own paths in life, with little guidance. therefore, i always had this mentality (which now i think is extremely misleaded) that kids who grow up in such families don't have the strength and sometimes necessities to do well acedemically. I feel really sucky saying that now, and i admit my mistake. Honestly, listening to her, i was jus filled with awe. Imagine having to take your O levels admist such a situation.. and I'm complaining about having 4 subjects in a day. shux.

For the third story, it's a very short one. My fren was basically just telling me that her parents have been divorced ever since she was of tender age..but she still keeps in touch with her dad. I could tell that she loves him alot, but i think her situation is a rather good one, because she meets up with him sometimes. He gives her money to support herself.. i guess that was probably the deal made between her parents. It's so touching to know that sometimes your parents may have troubles between each other, but their love for you is unconditional.. and therefore they support you in every way they can. Looking back, i think she's one of the lucky ones considering her situation.

I don't know whether it was right or wrong of me to talk about other people's circumstances in my blog, for everyone to see. But i just needed to show everyone that there's really ALOT we've got and maybe we should start being content. seriously, ME included, we don't appreciate things. how many of us kiss our moms good night? how many of us thank God everyday for the birds that sing? how many even realise that every morning, the sunshine that shines on us is such a beautiful gift of nature that asks for nothing in return? These girls really opened my eyes to see things i never saw before.

I've also learnt so much in TSD about how we students in Singapore are so caught up with the flesh-eating, man-destroying rat race of the education system that we don't even have humanitarian values anymore. How many of us sit down, stone, and jus think about political issues? humanitarian issues? our lives? reflecting on our actions? How many of us take everyday at a time, without worrying about tomorrow.. because you never know what it brings? It's not that we're making mistakes, we are only doing what ought to be done, because that is the kind of society we have been brought up in. hussling the whole time. Nobody has time to listen to somebody else's story anymore.

ANYWAY, let me stop here for today. Hopefully i gave u guys some food for thought, but even if i didn't it's okay. i feel satisfied. BLEAH i feel like a Saint or something. haha.. i'm out now. so u guys take care ok. loves~ gdnite.

2005-01-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

I try and try to put the unbearable realisation of how much i miss my TK at the back of my mind but it keeps fighting it's way back front to successfully make me feel so damn lost. Last week I was completely and absolutely ready to take on my new school, new challenges and meet new people..but this week, all i want is to just go back in time for a good 5 mins. That would be more than i could ask for, actually.

It's not that i don't like VJC. Majority of the people there are friendly, kind, smart, good-hearted. I've heard countless times that the atmosphere in VJ can be compared to that in TK, but boy is that a wrong thing to say. Sure, both schools may be crazy bout cheering and have lots and lots (an unbelievable amount, really) of school spirit, but nothing can or will take the place of my TK.

I'm sure not every TKGian will have the same story to tell, or remark to make. But for me, it was an experience so fantastic that it had become the core of those 4 years of my life. My school, friends and teachers were my second family. The school itself was a gorgeous one, and will continue to be. I remember the first time I stepped in TK as an official student.. I just immediately felt so comfortable, like i had been there all my life. It just has so much warmth and love all around.. it's a place you know you'll be safe even if the world turns it's back on you.

My friends were the most fabulous ones that God could ever have graced me with. Neha was my secret diary in Sec 1 and 2, because she knew EVERYTHING about me. We did everything together..from laughing to crying to bursting our tops. We ate Ben n Jerrys in petrol stations like pigs and loved just standing outside our classroom, enjoying the inspiring view of TKGians hussling about amongst the greenery, laughing and smiling always. We were also lab partners, coincidentially, and screwed up almost every single practical cos we never knew what to do as a result of talking and talking during lessons. We wrote milliions of notes to each other.. most of which I still have and which I laugh about when I read them again. She understood me like no other. Not to forget were my crazy crazy other friends like Fly, Yiqun, Fat,Ashikin and goodness knows who. My whole damn class really. We'd all sit together during recess and squeeeeeeeze in one table. Some had to stand whilst eating, but we got through. And we were always there for each other.

In Sec 3 and 4, I met the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Jael, Chyi, Isa, Mel, Val, Pei Lin and the ENTIRE Sec4e8 were just the most fantastic people ever. The class was bonded right from the start.. and we were so rebellious, which makes things a lot more interesting rather than being goody goody all the time. We never did hw, teased teachers, imitated others, gossiped, exploited our vanity and talked all kinda crap. We helped one another in times of need, and there was not a single girl who wasn't selfless. Jael proved to be one of my best friends :) because I could talk to her bout anything, and she would understand so perfectly. I could just sit somewhere with her for hours and hours and not say much but still feel like it was one of the best conversations I've had with a person. I could bull with her, tease her, punch her, kick her, call her names and order her around and she would know that I did all that because i love her. I had the most interesting conversations with her.. and of course our share of fights which made me appreciate her so much more but were forgotten in minutes cos it didn't matter much. Chyi and I were so similar..and there was this period of time when we were going through practically the exact same thing. Of course, the endings were different..but somehow it's touches me so much till I feel molested, that the fact that she had adviced me and taken my advice, in turn, seriously. She laughed at ALL my jokes despite them being annoyingly lame and she helped me in my work whenever she could. She's a true friend, and will always be to me.. someone I can count on. Isa and Mel were a big big part of the whole group..cos they made it complete. I dunno what it'd have been like w/o Isa comparing her ego to mine, and somehow, in some unknown way I have yet to figure, she brought elegance and maturity to the group..since she's always been sophisticated. She provided us with different views and fab. general knowledge that made conversations so interesting. Not to forget, her debates wit Jael. HEADACHES. haha.. and Mel's prim and proper-ness. She provided perfection, determination and motivation for all of us. I remember the time she came over, and told me bout her whole interesting story. I remembered thinking, "wow..i didn't know this side of Melissa" and then realized that she had a lot going on for her that I could relate to. Val is just absolutely crazy..and made all of us crazy along wit her:). She thought us to slack when we were going mad and filled us in with juicy gossip. Most fabulously, she was suchan amazing friend to me because we could spend hours on the phone talking just to clear our thoughts and then once done, will feel so refreshed. She swore that our friendship would always be treasured, because she herself was sincere. Pei Lin brought lameness along wit me to the group..giving me inspirations for lame jokes and making me laff like mad at hers. I will never forget the time she pasted that "Dinner with Ah Meng" sticker on Jael's back. I laughed so hard that day I was sobbing to stop. :) The different personalities just complemented each other so well..making it ensured that the group had a bit of every kind of person so that it'll never be boring.

I guess I shouldn't keep thinking about all these good memories, but maybe it's okay to do it now whilst it's still early. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to just get over fond times and look forward to new ones.. but there's a reason for it that I can't help. There will always be a huge part of my heart that will be truly dedicated to my TK.. but for now.. I'm digging one up deep down in there too for VJC. I've got my faith that it'll be a fine one too.

2005-01-09T17:38:00.000+08:00

AS YOU LIKE IT
A monologue from Act III, Scene v
by: William Shakespeare
NOTE: As You Like It was first published in the folio of 1623. It is now a public domain work and may be performed without royalties.
PHEBE: Think not I love him, though I ask for him;
'Tis but a peevish boy; yet he talks well.
But what care I for words? Yet words do well
When he that speaks them pleases those that hear.
It is a pretty youth; not very pretty;
But sure he's proud; and yet his pride becomes him.
He'll make a proper man. The best thing in him
Is his complexion; and faster than his tongue
Did make offense, his eye did heal it up.
He is not very tall; yet for his years he's tall.
His leg is but so so; and yet 'tis well.
There was a pretty redness in his lip,
A little riper and more lusty red
Than that mixed in his cheek; 'twas just the difference
Betwixt the constant red and mingled damask [1].
There be some women, Silvius, had they marked him
In parcels [2] as I did, would have gone near
To fall in love with him; but, for my part,
I love him not nor hate him not; and yet
I have more cause to hate him than to love him;
For what had he to do to chide at me?
He said mine eyes were black and my hair black;
And, now I am rememb'red, scorned at me.
I marvel why I answered not again.
But that's all one: omittance is no quittance.
I'll write to him a very taunting letter,
And thou shalt bear it. Wilt thou, Silvius?

2004-12-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

i was reading my friend's blog the other day and this terrible thought struck me. i realized that, gosh, all of us complain too much man.. bout everything, and mostly we bout the dear folks we call our parents.
we say "MAN they don't give me ANY freedom! they're like lockin' me up in some gigantic hamster cage at home, bossin' me round. it's like HElLOooO can't they see I'm not a kid anymore? I can take care of myself now! I know what's right, they don't have to keep tellin' me. UGH i wish they'd just get off my BACK!"
muahaha. sounds familiar eh? yes yes i do that a lot. well used to but it's less now. cos there's one really really important thing a lot of us don't realize. the fact that they're strict, paranoid 99% of the time and always keeping their eyes on us don't mean that they're the mass-reincarnation of Hitler himself, but it's actually because, get this, THEY CARE. okok you're thinking, i'm wasting my time reading this that is the most cliche thing i've ever heard. but seriously! i know that i wouldn't wana live with a buncha people who lemme do whatever i want, come back whatever time i want, live my own life. i mean, i'd be so insecure right.. i'll be like damn, they don't love me, they don't give a shit bout me.
it's not that they don't let us out too much cos they want us to be rottin our asses at home. it's not that they call us soo many freakin times on our handphones cos they're jobless and love irritating us. it's just that whatever you do reflects on you and your upbringing. think bout it, do u get impressed by kids who hang out at boring malls everyday? no right. you're like man, you don't have a life. reputation is super important. what people think of you, their impression of you, that's gonna stay with you forever. and sometimes we go outta hand without realizing it. that's when our parents come to our rescue and say in that growly voice of theirs, "Nope. You're staying home today young lady. You're not going anywhere." You whine back, "But MOooOOoM what am I gonna do at home?! It's so BORINGGG. You're so MEANNnnN! you make my life so MisERABLe!!" and you go on and on but nope, your attempt is to no avail. so you call your frens up and u tell em you cant make it that day cos ur parent is being a jerk.
but you know what I'd think if one of my friends told me that? I'd be like, damn you're lucky. cos you are so freakin loved. Thank God for them.

2004-12-20T15:04:00.000+08:00

dudes!! tash almighty is bbbbbback!! :D haha. my trip to KL, Penang and Genting was superrr superb. wanted to tell you guys bout it but thr's way too much to say so if i get down to writing it then ill publish it aite.

I GOT INTO.... .............. ............. *drumroll*.. VJC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *WOOHOOHOOOOOOOO* *jumps in joy and bangs head on ceiling*. i was SO happy when i heard man. was in penang, then jael called me. i begged her to check for me cos there was no computer within my reach so she did. she was soo annoying keeping me in terrible suspense for a good 10 mins but when i heard i jumped and jumped and started crying. hahahaha my dad's friend didn't know what's going on, he thought i saw a cockroach. HAHAHHA. YAY happy happy joy joy :D. but i'm gonna be all alone there! i don't know a single person going except anki's friend. i hope Neha's appeal gets through! even Rafizah who wanted to take theatre studies as well didn't get in..she got TJC. Jael, Chyi and Pei lin all got SA! but i think chyi's appeal to AC will get through. hmm..Isa got Inova and Melly got MJC. i hope Isa's appeal gets through too. but you guys rber that this is only for 3 mths so don't be disappointed okay? im sure you'll get where u wanna eventually. oh yes, and Shan got RJC! Congrats babe! it's gonna be fun don't worry. you can always switch to VJC if you don't like it too much there :D.

2004-12-11T22:02:00.000+08:00

ohh my sweet sweet Lord! look at what i've done! i've freakin gotten myself a terrible, terrible, absolutely and completely disastrous... *takes a deep breath* *squeezes eyes tight shut to gather strength for self*.. HAIRCUT! ohhh noooo :(. what am i gonna do now?! my hair's super duper short now..like barely below my shoulders. when i tie it, it looks cool but i can't go everywhr with my hair tied can i! BOO. oh wellx no use crying over spilt milk i guess. gotta jus bear with this hairstyle till it grows longer (which i hope, will happen sometime SOON) and perhaps jus keep tying it up or somethin. haha. and minnie PROMISED to fix it for me by telling me wut i can do wit it. yay she's the bestest cuzzie wuzzie :).

BUT BUT there's happy news too! funky shit me and ankz got our hair highlighted today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wOooOhOoOoO!!* it's the coolest thing. we actually highlighted it diff. shades.. mine was supposed to be darker but turns out hers is darker than mine :S. sorta anyway. mine's like ligh brownish whereas hers is like orangish or sth. im not sure, the color cannot reli be defined. haha..ohh but gosh it's really REALLY bright and i think we're gonna get into shit in sch. mite hafta dye it back if it doesnt fade. it should tho, from what i know. heheh but hey! i like it. in my opinion (perhaps cos i look at my face every damn day) i look really really diff. it's like, that's not tash is it?! hhah. but it's good i love it. yeehaw!

the past few days have been fun fun fun. it's so fun to just slack, and watch movies, go out have fun, eat, sleep and care bout nothing :). and ankz is back! yay funner. im leaving to m'sia on monday, but im sure that'll be great too. yay! a family holiday! we usually split up during holidays cos everyone wants to do diff. things. haha..oh yes and me and val bought funky sunglasses. hers is like the kind Taufik Baby wears (yea! retro! AND it's from the SAME place he bought it from!) and i bought one that looks practically exactly like my old pair (HAHA, don't ask..Taufik's inspiration?) which is the MIB kind. it's funky tho i like it..and we were wearing it and guess wut! this lady comes up to us saying she was looking for new faces for TV and Broadcast and asked us if we were interested! too bad we were underaged tho, had to be 18. oh oh! and even the other day at PS, some girl came up to ankie and I to ask us if we were interested in modelling. cool shits ;) haha.

o yeah you guys GOT to listen to lose my breath by destiny's child. gosh im addicted to it.
okay i'm gonna teach crocodiles howta kiss now. do not disturb. toodlez!

2004-12-02T19:00:00.000+08:00

I had the WACKIEST day of my life ydae! w0ohoOo :D hahaha. and i am SUPER bored now so here's a freakin long entry for you.

First of all, Natasha M. Sabnani, Slacker of Parkstone Co. and Assistant Manager of Sleep PTE LTD (ah yes, and she is truly dedicated to her affiliations) would like to Congratulate her baby, Mr. Taufik Batisah a.k.a TaufikBaby (*droooools*) on his VICTORY IN SINGAPORE IDOL!!!!!!!! wwhHeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is happy to say that she is BEYOND ecstatic due to this and will love him for days to come if he promises to share some of the $$ with her.

Okay so anki came over at my place at about 4 plus when i was jus starting to make the poster for TB (Taufik Baby). we talked a while and then my mom came in so they both helped me out with the poster which was cool cos i was left with hardly anything to do but to sit back and relax hehe. well, actually it wasn't really a poster it was just BIG letters of T-A-U-F-I-K cut out of neon-green hard paper but i think it was quite a job well done. muahahah we were fighting over who should carry it and decided to sabo Jael in the end but eventually me, being the kind soul that i am, carried it lah.

We only started to get ready at like 5.45 or something but we made it in time. Stupid Jael msged me at 5.20 going, "hey, so is the thing tonight on?" *dies* but i should have expected, we talkin bout Jael right? ;) like blurer-than-tash (is that possible?) Jael. hahahaha..and she didn't noe the way so i told her to come over first den we go together. at bout 6.20ish or so we piled in the car and my mom drove us. upon reaching there we luckily almost immediately met Val so that was cool. she introduced me to a friend of hers, Lincoln. he's quite friendly so yea Val, you've got my approval. ahahahahhaha kidding. den she said that her friends were at the other side so we went there first and met like Michael and Ashish and stuff. Michael recognised me haha. i was teasing him with Jael.. i was like ehh u rber her not? den Jael was like blushing blushing ready den he's like YA but dun wana talk hahhahaha. den the 2 started quarrelling (as they usually do, i heard) and i was like great :) lets leave the whatever-you-may-call-it-but-NOT-love Birdies alone. heheh..

And THAT was when she did it. we were standing next to where all the idols were and all of a sudden, when Jerry was coming out and walking to the car (and i swear she did it without warning or i wud've stopped her)..*drumroll..TADA* Val boldly shouts, "Yo Jerry!" (Jerry looks at us), "You SUCK!". omg the look i saw on his face the moment after was seriously heart-breaking okay. he was like smiling this huge jovial smile but when Val said that he stopped at just looked at the ground. He is strong. how does he take all this kinda shit with such positivity? seriously, my hat's off to him.

so at almost 7 we realized, "Oh NO!! the REST of them are waiting for us at the N. Entrance!!" and we russshhh there only to find an already tired Pei Lin because she'd been standing for 1/2 an hr (omg im so sorry) and my cousin who arrived just like 5 mins earlier so that was cool. we had the STUPIDEST time trying to get in cos we hadta tell the guys we were VIPs. thing is, as we realized later, that was the WRONG freakin entrance. but Hey! that's what it said on the ticket right.. how'd we noe we supposta go in the Main entrance. but that would've been cool you know, walkin with all the stars (check it out ;)) but whatever. so when we finally managed to get in, we didn't know where the VIP Lounge were. and you see, thing bout going for cocktails is to get there QUICK so the good stuff won't be eaten up. haha okay no im kidding but the show was gonna start soon see. eventually, we did find it after running in heels and when we went it, OOOH only the phrase creme della creme will describe the people we met there.

there were ALL the idols, of course except TB and SuckerSly. then there were alott of Mediacorp (the choice ;)) artistes like Andrea DeCruz and Pierre Png (some lucky woman she is), Felicia Chin!! (who i am proud to say came from TKGS :D:D:D and too bad for anki we kept referring to ourselves as TKGians :D:D:D), Sharon Au, FUNKY HOT SEXY MAMA MARC RICHMOND (ohh.. i need airrrr..), Michelle Chong and dunno who else la. ah yes, the Malaysian Idol was there too but we didn't noe who she was until later hahahaha. we were piggin out for a while then guess who comes along!!! MR PRESIDENT SIR!! we were like all "ooh!! we wanna take a pic with him!!" so like all 7 of us like started crowding round him and then i think we made too much noise cos his secretary was like "Uhh.. Mr President i think a group of girls here want a photo with you" hAHA so he's like sure and then he seemed like he wasn't paying much attn to us so I was like hey lets get him to acknowledge us abit and i asked him if he knew my dad and he's like Ya! (they used to work together) haha and THEN we got a nice picture of him smiling:). i also took photos with marc richmond and felicia chin and stuff, dun reli rber who but again, not on my cam haha.

Soon the show started and thankfully we were all seated together so we got our T-A-U-F-I-K ready. WOW my TB just amazes me even more in real life! he's soo hott and his charm is just mesmerizing. and of course, most importantly, his voice is like powerrrrr power^999 SO much better than SS (SuckerSly). but then again, i hafta admit that SS's first song, It's My Life" was outta this world. and the AMOUNT of support heard for him was pretty scary. seriously and frankly, we all thought he would win :S. but my TB's Me and Mrs Jones was like a w-oooo---ooooooo-wwww kind of WOW-this-is-one-of-the-best-songs-i've-ever-heard and just like Florence said i bet alotta girls there (me not included cos im not violent) must've wanted to kill Mrs Jones haha. she's lucky she doesn't exist.

We had sucha fun time holding up the 'poster'. Except, it was always like NOT the whole word cos Jael was toooooo lazy (you're gonna get it) and anki kept forgetting to (yeah, sad to say she's gettin senile) but eventually we worked it out by taking it AWAY from Jael and then me and anki held two up each :). i could've sworn there was once TB looked at us and smiled when he saw it! hooray. hahah..

During the interval there was a biggg mess bout gettin back into the VIP Lounge. like i said, we had come in thru the wrong entrance right, so we didn't have some sticker thingy. we all took turns trying to talk to the guy (annoying freak wouldn't even acknowledge us grr you rude cow) but to no avail. finally we decided, SIGH, fine, lets just go down and up through the other entrance so that we can get the sticker. but alas! God is great and when we passed the other entrance we were like, hey lets try getting in thru here. so we told the lady and then she's like how many of you? im like, 7, and she didn't believe me. she asked me how i got so many tickets and i said from my dad den she read the letter and she's like ohh ___(my dad's name's not to be disclosed) lah okay. then she let us in yay. when we were in Val was like, why did you say 7?! i was like she already doesn't believe me when i say 7 u want me to say more ah. cos u c, she wanted to get her friends in. and she was so hooked onto the idea that she persuaded me to give her the letter so she cld try. eventually i did la but i warned her, cos i was quite pissed, that i wld take no responsibility if it backfired and my dad's name gets spoilt. but then she managed to do it so great :) all is cool haha.

I voted 10 times for TB! man, my bill is gonna be so freakin high you guys should just say bye bye butterfly to me now dudes n dudettes cos i'm prolly gonna be killed, anytime. if i do be sure to attend my funeral and just in case, bring some chocolates. i mean, nobody really knows what the after-world is like. SHEESH what if they don't have chocolates? Nono..i wouldn't be able to survive there then. yea i know i'd already be dead but maybe i'll die again or something. just bring the chocolates. haha everyone voted for him too, including Val cos i persuaded her that $1 is alright right and i bet it's cos of US he won. the magic we bring, ooh lala. hahahah. what was really sweet was when it was almost the end and they danced to that song that goes "that's what friends are for.." and then we all put our hands round each other's shoulders and swayed. haix made me realize, yet again, how much im gonna miss em :(.

anways, when he WON..OHHH my Sweet Lord we went MAD. ABSOLUTELY MAD. as in, CRAZY and jumped and jumped and hugged each other like we just ended some terrible World War. i was SOO HAPPY!!!! i mean, sure SS put in alotta work but u noe TB has improved so so much and you can just SEE the dedication in his eyes. to me, he's an idol cos he's so inspiring for others. coming from a not very well-off family and everything you HAVE to admit that the fact that he believed in himself the whole way through is impressive. oh i could just go on and on.

After the thingy we were gonna go to Hard Rock right. so while waiting ages for the cab guess who we saw!! David DeCruz! okay la he was actually quite poser in real life. but seriously he was lookin at my and ankz no kidding.. cos he was quite near us waiting for a cab too. but he's like so act-cool so whatever lah. NEXt. hehe..so anyway when we reached Hard Rock not many stars were there yet so we were jus chillen. they came later and we got like 8 idols' autographs! SO FUNKYY can die. we talked to them too. When Taufik came everyone was like crowding him and me and anki were eating so we're like ahhh lets talk to him later he'll be here all night anyways but GUESS WHAT he went in some room for interviews i think grr.

Leandra is like *puke* so proud in real life. OLI is like tooooo cool for school la and she's SUPERR nicee (way to go! steady pom pi pi man) ahahah. Jessea's SO freakin pretty! and yet sweet you know so that's cool. Daphne is very very nice also, very polite and everything. Chris Lee is like whatever laa.. very boyish but maybe a bit too much but yes he truly DOES have a gorgeous smile. we didn't talk to david much but i guess he's aite. but the BEST BEST BEST is DEFINITELY Jerry!! he talked to us, AGAIN, and remembered us! (after some reminding). we practically were like friends like that ready la so we were like "Ehh, jerry can you get us Taufik's autograph PLEASEEE" and he's like i don't know i don't think i can so sorry and stuff but we're like ohh just try it's okay if u can't please please hahaha. so he DID! isn't he a sweetie. he came out unsuccessful but still that was really nice. and we met KEVIN ANG! omg. my teacher. hahah but he's cool so i didn't mind..he's Jerry's best friend see. they both went to ACJC together. and me and anki hadta get movin cos it was gettin late so i was like "mr anggg can you pleaseeeee help us get Taufik's autograph PLEASE i hafta go home" and he was like giving me this stone look like "uhh.." and i was like please please hahahaha and he agreed eventually and gave me his number to msg him. reminds me, gotta go school to collect it from him tmr. cos GUESS WHAT! HE FREAKIN GOT IT!!!!!!!!!! woooHooOOooOOo!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D: omg yay. hahahahha. i guess all that bias-ness towards 4e8 paid off in the end eh? funky shit!haha. OMG THANK GOD FOR KEVIN ANG!. :D

when we came out of hard rock OMG there was like so many Sly fans there and they were just OUT of their minds la. they were talkin to us noe and they said they like CHASED them to hard rock. wth? then they were like persuading us to get our passes but we couldn't right cos the guard had taken it. they even wanted to like DRAW the freakin chop on our hands, which i think is so lame like get a grip of yourself, but eventually we got away from them haha. my mom was sucha sweetheart and she actually picked us up. got home bout 1.30am but weren't tired at all.

So we stayed up to watch the Man U Vs. Arsenal match, which i should proudly say Man U won (despite me not being their biggest fan or anything but just to make my bestie happy :)). and she was talkin to Ashish on the phone and he was so sad they lost it was really funny haha. we slept at freakin 6am or something my goodness and woke up at like 12 i think. straight away changed (yes yes, eww without taking a bath) and went down for lunch cos i had guests over. then we just talked a while and she left cos the Piggy wanted to go home and sleep. hahaha

so THATS it. you must be thinking, FINALLYYYYY but hey i'm sure u had a fun time relivin that with me. (okay, honestly, if you actually READ all that then dude you are SO JOBLESS. hahahah kiddinggg). ooh yay im gonna watch achar now cos i love Rui En's acting. and tmr i think im gonna go for lunch with anki and neha cos i haven't met neha in agesss and i think she's going overseas soon.

God bless TB! :D

2004-12-02T05:12:00.000+08:00

I was just browsing through some blogs and found this inspirational short prose. Spare a few seconds sire, some food for thought on how Man has evoluted for the worse.

What is a saint? by Leonard Cohen

"A saint is someone who has achieved a remote human possibility. It is impossible to say what that possibility is. I think it has something to do with the energy of love. Contact with this energy results in the exercise of a kind of balance in the chaos of existence. A saint does not dissolve the chaos; if he did the world would have changed long ago. I do not think that a saint dissolves the chaos even for himself, for there is something arrogant and warlike in the notion of a man setting the universe in order. It is a kind of balance that is his glory. He rides the drifts like an escaped ski. His course is a caress of the hill. His track is a drawing of the snow in a moment of its particular arrangement with wind and rock. Something in him so loves the world that he gives himself to the laws of gravity and chance. Far from flying with the angels, he traces with the fidelity of a seismograph needle the state of the solid bloody landscape. His house is dangerous and finite, but he is at home in the world. He can love the shapes of human beings, the fine and twisted shapes of the heart. It is good to have among us such men, such balancing monsters of love."

2004-11-27T22:09:00.000+08:00

Wow. It's only been like what.. 5 days since the end of the big O's? and already im pumped out. SO many things have happened there's no way i can type em out. also, i'd rather not talk bout some things.

Narin's still in town. Parvesh, Bharat, Dheeraj all left ready. but nvm maybe ill go jkt AGAIN this yr to visit them cos i love em sho much ahahaha.

My mom told me during dinner just now that my 2nd cousin's father committed suicide this morning. he jumped in front of a train man. and it was prolly all planned.. cos he went to the Gudwara this morning, then fetched his daughter home and everything. he has 2 daughters, one our age. honestly, i don't know him too well..but the entire thing was just so shocking cos it made me realize how every sec. wit my loved ones matters man.

He had committed suicide due to falling into depression. according to my dad it was because he was too hard on himself on things.. always wanting to be successful. and he was very hot-tempered. i know i'm in no place to say this to anybody who's reading this but seriously, i just wanna remind u guys i love that in life, it's more important to TRY to get your goal rather than tell yourself that u MUST get it. cos at the end of the day, it's the determination that will take u far, not pure results. look at my dad~! he was sucha slacker last time but he made it eventually. :)

before i go on, i'd like to remind you guys that this is MY blog and i can type ANYTHING i like so if u think this next part's about YOU then DON'T READ IT.

anyways, that aside. lets talk bout funny things now! Few days ago, i met an asshole. well actuallie this asshole said he was going home but was still there when i went there. well actually i never thought he was an asshole until yesterday but yea he's an asshole. so you see, this asshole has been flirting with me since like 6 or 7 mths ago? but yea i found out he's got a gal. hmm..a million lies must've been told but noe wut i really don't feel sad at all. just angry, but anger is easy to get rid off cos im not a hot-tempered person.

I've been defending all the insults i've heard bout this asshole ever since i thought people had wrong impressions of him. but here u go asshole. u always wanted to noe what people said bout u right? here you go. enjoy yourself asshole.

My cousin didn't even talk to you and already he had a bad first impression. HAHA he said he wouldn't even give u a PASS for looks! check it out la. not like that matters to me, it never did. it was always the personality that did but i have absolutely NO respect for u whatsoever now. i look down on u like a piece of shit. You talk to much, but do too little. i used to tell you you were smart, but u use ur brains for the wrong things. you blab, seriously. "OOH tash i've got a FAKE ID. i drink BEER and i used to SMOKE. am i cool or whatttt?". cool? more like poser. i cannot be MORE happy that i rejected you. like EwwWWw what if i had gone out wit u? i'd have died of embarrassment. you were never good enough for me and never will be. i wish i never met you. i don't know why i spent so much energy on you last time. wish i never did. sucha waste. OH yea and not like i mind, cos i don't give a shit, but i knew ever since i heard the rumours bout you and that girl that she was playing you. they told me that she only likes you superficially. but actually, that's the kinda girl u deserve so go ahead baby, feast yourself.

If you were in front of my now, i'd kick your dick. BUT ur not, so you're lucky. anyway,, it'd be too small i wouldn't even know where to kick/. OH OH or maybe you don't have one.

okay lets not talk bout assholes anymore lets talk bout PROM!

WoOOoHoOoOOooO I HAD SUCHA BLAST YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!! aahah even though it was at SSC it was sooo fAB! 3 cheers for who-is-it-i-forgot-her-name who organized the whole thing. i think i took a million gazillion pics lah. but since i don't have a camera, it's all over the place. ahahahha.. i better get a few back! too bad we hadta split cos we didn't send in out names to sit together.. but it was good. i was like with hanisha and nisha and stuff so at least it was alrite for me la :) haha. yayyyy! 4e8 won 3rd for the battle of the bands thingy! it was just too cool la when all of us went up in one long row all when they were 'singing'. ahahaha i even asked rash for her "autograph" and she was so surprised! gee.

ahahaha..oh yes and congrats to chyi for representing our class for Ms Tkgs! you were great girl and even though u didn't win i still think you're very pretty. aahh don't get too big headed, now...;). i think what fenison(however u spell her name) said for the QnA section was what made her win. It's very true how people look down on the back classes, thinking we're not as capable as them. but seriosuly.. the talent i see in our class is astonishing. sure, we may not be geniuses when it comes to the sciences but there's ALOT of dedication and hard work put into many other different things. just look at Stupid Ili's graffitti and u'll noe. talking bout SI, i'll miss her calling me UN(ugly natasha) and i'll miss fighting with her. even yesterday i was quarrelling with her over how to take our photo and she's like "wALAO! last day oso wana argue!" ahahahahhaha. and i'll miss fighting with Rafizah oso. who else can i call Setan now?! booooooooo :(

ahaha eh i swear i never knew TKGians were so crazy! when the whole thing ended they went MAD on the dance floor la. and my dear lesbian partner filzah thought, "hey! why don't we make a MOSH PIT and let everybody's shoes get stepped onto?!" ahaha. so she starts banging everyone and there's this mosh pit in the centre but everyone around the mosh pit is crying cos they got stepped onto. ahaha..it was damn pain but it was fun also la. the last song they played was graduation, and that was the sweetest. everyone made a circle and was just hugging each other and kicking our legs, can-can style. only thing is, mosta us was crying. i kept looking at the floor la..cos quite pai seh right crying in bright light all but whatever la i couldn't take it. seriously la, i cannot even BEGIN to tell u how much i love my TKGS and the amazing times i've had there. and the teachers! haha i dunno if i'll get anymore teachers that are biased towards 4e8 again ;) like *ahem*..and mrs koh..who, by the way, complimented me ;) *ceeeeeeeh* ahahaha. i hugged like EVERYONE, cos i knew i may never see them again after we get our results, and i was so sad.

i hugged Neha very very tightly, cos she's really made a difference in my life. and Shan, cos she's been my pillar of support this whole time. and Jael, cos she's been my soulmate, truly, and she's been my personal Mariam(maid), doing everything for me. and Val, cos she's been sucha pal and has managed to get my trust bout everything. and Chyi cos i'll miss her laughing at my jokes and hanging at BK. and Isa, Mel everyone cos they've made life a better thing. and even ppl im not that close to..like Fai, cos she held my hand in the dark during CC Camp ahahah, and dunno who lah. HAIYAIYAI. wth im gonna miss em so much. but that's alright. im really sure they're all gonna b happy in life so tts good. changes are good sometimes cos they teach you knew things.

After prom, we went to starbux at siglap. haha actually, i had already told my mom to come pick me up, but she was cool bout lettin me go so she offered to drop some of us there since it was on the way la. ahaha everyone was like "okay okay i come with you" (tsk, so they don't need to pay cab fair) ahaha but i think only like 5 of us fit. the other 5 or 6 piled into Isa's car and her dad was really nice to drop em there. it was quite a pity Isa couldn't come but HEY! her dad said she can have her own party! check it out la isn't that better. haha. oh yea..talkin bout parties, is val's BBQ still on? anyways, we just chilled there la. talk n talk n take photos..n talk more. i'll miss all the talkin. who knows mayb in JC everyone will be all quiet. and nobody will laugh at my jokes! boo. then i'll havta laff at em myself. boo.

oh wells. that's life for you. Ups and downs and crazy daizy times all at one go. you learn from the bad, you cherish the good and then you move on. cliche, i know, but i really believe everything happens for the best la. but one thing i know for sure, that i'll never forget the past 4 yrs. i'll never forget coming into TK the first day feeling lost like a tiny fishy in the big ocean, but leaving feeling so satisfied as though i'd just found the sweetest pearl in that ocean. and i'm the most grateful girl ever.

thank you guys, all. can't do, won't do without you. *hugs*

2004-11-22T11:13:00.000+08:00

I typed this after the O's and forgot to publish it. aahah check it out la..

WASSSSSSSSSUPP MA BABEHSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D
ohHhHH mY SwwEeeeeeT LORD I AM FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*jumps swings hyperventilates dies goes to heaven and i think i wana stay there* AHhahHhHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. GIMME A MINUTE.
OKAy. I BELIEVE IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS HAPPY IN A MILLION YEARS.
no im not that old. OMG! ahh! so happy:D

It has been a freakin like 5 whole mths since i last blogged! life's been crazy. the o's were mad. im gonna get 45 points. but who cares! i know i tried hard. man.. from puking out my food to crazy gastric aches cos of stress to anxiety attacks and thinking im gonna die and whatnot.. how de hell did i survive.

I remember on the first day of school this year, i was like. OKAY. im in sec 4 now. i've got to work really really hard this year for my o's. and now it's like. O'S? chey. history liaoz~ ahahahhahaha. WOW THAT FEELS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is practically IMPOSSIBLE to tell all of you, and those who will prolly never read this, how much every single person, thing, person-thing, and thing-person has made a difference in my life. the amount of support and inspiration i received is so touching. i'll really never ever forget this journey. actually, im gonna miss it. oh wells. thanks a million gazillion katrillion kamiliiontrillion to my Sweetiepies Anki, Shan, Neha, Vishal, Jael, Chyi, Val, Isa, Mel, Peilin, and everyone else who made a diff. couldn't do it w/o u guys. LOVES!!!

2004-06-23T20:40:00.000+08:00

|happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy|

in two happys, there's always a sad.

i just fought with my mom after ages and it feels like shit. she always makes me feel guilty about everything even if it isn't my fault. and my asshole brother always adds salt to the wound. he doesn't have a heart. im older than him and he talks to me like im some piece of shit.

okay. i don't think im really so upset cos of that. i think what happened 2 days ago has just truly sunken in. that's why im so cranky. i just feel like shouting at someone. and it feels like shit. it's like something's missing, and my tummy has this bleah feeling in it. like something's wrong. i dunno how to explain it.

it sucks when something good comes to an end. we'll still be friends but i guess it's different. anyway, it's def. for the best.

yesterday my cuz slept over after the LP concert. i told her the whole story and i realized that once i stopped i was out of breath. literally gasping for air. but then she said i did the right thing. i was at the right time at the right place with the right person. and now my job's done.

we'll just hafta wait and see what happens next i guess.

2004-06-19T18:18:00.000+08:00

NOTE: IF YOU ARE PRO-SINDHI AND VERY CONSERVATIVE BOUT THE WHOLE DAMN SOCIETY, DO NOT READ THIS.

so yesterday i went to the singapore swimming club a.k.a singapore sindhi club and surprisingly every bloody inch of it had a sindhi's body part it in. if i hadn't known better i'd think they were having a United Nations conference of all the sindhi cities right there next to the swimming pool :|

usually i'd just curse them and tease them and say i hate most sindhis but this time im somehow really happy. i've realized how much better a person i've become after i stopped hangin out with em too much. nono, this time really. hahax. from all aspects. i've gained so much more respect from everyone. DONT LAUGH.

all of them were doing the usual shyte. u noe..guyx flirting with gals, gals trying to get as much attention as they can, parents talking bout other parents, bitching, all dat. BUT there WAS some shocking stuff. for example, someone i knew was smoking. girl. 16 yrs old. in public. in FRONT of my eyes.

peer pressure in that community kills. everybody wants to be known, loved, wanted. but they don't realize that that's the dangerous part of it. the more you try, the more you get sucked in, the more u get drawn apart from the real person you are to try to be someone you're not. everybody just puts up an act.

for example, i know girls my age who drink so much they get drunk. okay, that's common. at least you have the guys to depend on to take care of you and get you home safely, right? wrong. if you had gotten drunk in fronta these boys, they'd have taken advantage of you. if you know what i mean.

don't get me wrong though, not everyone's like that. there are LOTS of realli realli nice sindhis i noe. im just talking bout the ones who bring our name down.

once someone said to me, "WOW! FOR ONCE A SINDHI'S MAKING SENSE!" see how bad our reputation has become? boy am i ashamed or what.

but somehow, i can't really blame the kids. look around, their parents are a million times worse then them. the women seem to be trying to attract God knows who (other men??). i know they have cliques whereby all the most arrogant, "rich", and "popular" women hang out together. they organize million dollar functions which usually turn out to change from bhangra nite for ONLY TEENAGERS ABOVE 16, to ONLY TEENAGERS ABOVE 13 to NO AGE LIMIT to FAMILY BHANGRA NIGHT! HAHAHAHAAHA because nobody wants to go. ahahahahahah and that's not as funny as it gets.

okay i think im bitching too much down here. but really, all that was just the truth. i know even many other sindhis are gonna agree on me on this one. hahah.

how much can i lie anyway?even my MOM agrees with me.

anyway, happy fathers' day to all popzies!! you rock~!

2004-06-17T01:05:00.000+08:00

u guyssss i cant tag on my tag board. waaahh..

2004-06-14T22:34:00.000+08:00

oh okay. now i get why u did call me back cos u were too 'sleepy' and why u didn't reply my msg. here we go again..

yeah now u know why i wasn't exactly talking to you in the studio that day. but then u started talking to me and i couldn't help it. and then u asked me to accompany u to day and night because, u noe why, i couldn't say no. i would've felt too guilty. plus i bet you didn't noe bout all this yet did you.

why i didn't confront you straight away? well actually, i did want to. but people talked me out of it so i eventually didn't. just decided to ignore the whole thing and put it behind me. we all decided to actually. see how much we treasure you?

if i wanted to stop talking to you i would've done it ages ago girl. but obviously i don't. you're forgiven. i guess you did have a right saying that. i'm not gonna pretend the world loves me anyway cos i know that's impossible.

i felt sad after reading your entry, but happy too. at least it's over now, really.

about you always lying to yourself, that's when i come into the picture right? that's what your friends are for. now hopefully from now onwards your gonna take us as your REAL friends and see that it's not gonna be easy to tear yourself away from us. that's just not the way it works. we're not gonna let u. haha.

i think your just really confused. maybe you should sort things out for yourself. you know, write all your problems and things your unhappy about down and see how u can solve that. don't lie to yourself, face the facts. they're just challenges to make you stronger. damn i sound like some monk.

and hell yea, take it from me... as long as you don't give up, everything's gonna work out. :) cheeeeers!

2004-06-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

i'm really really proud of my dearie for what he did today. it's the sweetest, rightest thing i've seen anyone done. so touching. sniffx. it must've taken him GUTS man. now i respect him a million times more. :) i'm so glad for him. he's sucha sweetie pie inside and i believe he's got great great potential. mmmmmmuaaaah. dats my boi! now don't be sad anymore okay. i'm here for you rite. everything's gonna be aite now. hooray!!!!

2004-06-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

I GOT NEW BLADES!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I GOT NEW BLADESSS!!!!!!!!!!

:D:D:D::D:D:D i yam the heppiest gal on earf ryt now :D:D:D:D

it costed 400+ bux altogether but i LOVE MY NEW BLADES!!!!!!!!

it's gorgeous black in color and it's gorgeous and i tink it's gorgeous cos it's really gorgeous and i'd marry it if i could cos it's jus gorgeous and it works gorgeouslyyyy!

MY NEW BLADES ARE GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahahhahahahahhahahahahah

yayyyyyyyyyyy im so thankful for my new blades. :D east coast beach will be my permanent home now. ahahha

2004-06-02T22:19:00.000+08:00

wheeeeeeeee u guys rock! hahahah thx fer cheering me up y'all. appreciate it. sMuaX! gracias to neha, shan, ankita, jatin, karan and all.

hahaha incidentally she msged me jus now. and everything seemed fine. mebbe she doesnt noe yet? i dunno. cos she needed notes for tmr's test. stupid gerl doesnt even noe whr her books are. lolx.

i miss my mom like hell!! :'( she better come back soon.

the HP premiere was awesome! we had so much fun! ahahhahahah the funniest ting happened. me and ankz bought cute undies rite. then it was in the same bag. and we were trying soo hard to switch them in the theatre when it was all dark. and ppl kept walking pass and we kept ducking so nobodi'd see the undies. hahahaHAHAhahAH it was so FUnnNY!! hAHAHHA i dont tink i laffed that hard in my life ever before ankz. damn ur sucha clown. hahahahahah. and thx for being my personal groomer for the dae. :D

AND WE GOT INTERVIEWED! AGAIN! hahahahahha if this is gonna turn out like the american idol ad then sweet Lord please DON'T let it come on tv!! we were SO stupid on it. we didnt noe what to sae k. the guy asked me if i read the book and it'd been dumb if i said no so i anyhow..err yah yah of cos i read the book. walao! hahahahah. and we saw the phua chu kang woman whatever her name is.

i had fun ydae at ics at vjC! it's so cool when all ur best frens meet ur best frens and become best frens, like shan said. lolx..im glad u met ankita shan! u guys heard so much bout each other it was time anyway. and we took so many pix but i look ugly in all. ahahahah..but nvm shanti looks uglier so heck :D hahahHAHAhh im gonna kena from her now. no la shan's so pretty how can anyone sae she's ugly ;). aakash's turban was hilarious!! it was the funniest ting. i was teasing him jus now. hahah poor guy. but it was a job well done definitely.

i'm glad i didnt go for sean's party now. heard it was flowin with booze and everything. stupid sindhis someone go tell em to save what's left of their modesty please. *&^%^#*)@$. i noe what ur thinking. NO im NOT sindhi.

o ya! one more ting. ankita do u NOE that i hadta RUN after vishal and chase him and play catching with him yesterdae in the middle of the road jus to pay him for the tickets. hahaha eventuallie i stuffed it into his pocket and ran away. wah tiring man.

2004-06-01T11:36:00.000+08:00

i jus read something and altho my self-pride tries to resist me i feel like crying.

if u had asked me who was prolly my closest fren in sch just a little while ago i wud've said it was u because i've known u longest among all. u noe me best and u noe everything about me. u gave me the best advice i could ask for and u gave me all the reassurance i need when im down. you were always there for me.

i treated you like a gem. im not saying this for the heck of it but i do think so. it's in my personality to pamper my closest frens. my latest hobby has been to always try and keep the smile on ur faces. yours included. in fact, just yesterdae i ordered a drama ticket for u. w/o even asking u cos i knew how much u wanted to go. i could've jus bought one for myself and not care about anyone else. but i did..because i love you. well, loved now.

i guess..at least now i noe the truth. that nothing is what it seems. what's ironic is that i always tell myself not to be so gullible and idealistic. to think that this world around me is perfect and that i have been safely kept away from all the sufferings going on in the world because i am blessed. but then again i fall for the trap all the time. call me naive, call my stupid. that's just me and i cannot help it.

u said that BMG (in ur 'special' language) is a bitch. and that i suck. tell me, what did i do? i believe u do have voice..and that you can speak up for urself. when i had a problem with you i told it to ur face and ask for an explanation. why don't u? why go on for so long and give us the silent treatment, and then reveal it after ages? does it really make it difference how long u take? the sooner u had told us the less major it wud've been. now we think that you don't trust us or soemthing..that we were prolly not really ur true frens cos u could never talk to us.

tell me, do u still think it's us with the problem?

and why hide it in all these funny stupid acronyms when u really wanna get the msg across? and hide it in your blog? what for? are u scared?

i noe u are a great person within. it's like u've got split personalities or something. sometimes ur the best in the world sometimes i hate u, like now. you havent really gotten me upset many times. the most significant one i can remember is on my birthday. everybody wished me but you. YOU. you didn't even talk to me all dae. the whole CLASS sang me a birthdae song but u acted oblivious. i was hurt on the one dae i treasured most. and u sae i suck?

i didn't even hold that against u or anything. i jus mentioned it the next dae and smacked u in the back and laffed about it saying u were mean. and u laffed back. in my heart i was crying. did u noe? im sure u did. but u acted like u didn't. nvm, that's not a big deal.

i jus cant believe how silly i could've been to think u were so dear to me. i was so blind. now i noe.

mebbe this will be a turning point to make me not give in so easily all the time. i hide my feelings from most alot to show an elateful girl who's always cheery and trying to make everyone around her happy. cheer them up when they're down. be there for them when they need me. maybe now i noe that sometimes i have to respect my inner pride and not bring myself so low to help everyone. it just gets me taken for granted.

you noe what's the truly truly truly funniest thing? remember when a fren of mine betrayed me and i stopped hanging out wit her. and i told u all about it and u said, 'omigosh! what a bitch! those people are not worth it tash jus let it go.' or something like that. remember? look where we are now. history does repeat itself doesn't it.

i don't noe what im feeling now. i feel like strangling u but yet i can't help but feel sad and cheated. you should've told me. straight to my face. came up to me and said it man- that tash u suck and i hate u to bits. why didnt u sae it? apprehensive? why? because u noe that i didnt relli do anything? that you jus bitch bout people like they dont have feelings?

one more thing. the next time u wanna sae something like this, warn whoever ur talking about to NOT visit your blog. warn them. or else, dont publicize ur blog, keep it private. im sure mel didnt go to ur blog looking for something to ruin her dae..month..year..whatever. she jus happened to tumble upon it. and that's it. it's all over now isnt it?

i don't noe what ur gonna do now. u started it, u end it. and do it quick. it's not funny hurting people like this. we've got feelings. we're humans too you noe.

don't noe why i wasted so much time trying to send u msgs on posties asking u what's rong.

don't noe why the freakin hell i bother.

2004-05-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

wo0h0o0o0o!! cant wait fer tmr! we're gonna go shopping in town and den me and ankz gonna catch the HARRY POTTER PREMIEREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*. i luff my dad. ah yes and im proud of myself for doing some wrk todae tho i didnt noe howta do mosta it. muahahahahaha happy holidaes all!
GOODLUCK all who haf their papers tmr! u shud b sleeping now shudnt u. hmmx.

2004-05-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

thr's so much on my mind i don't even noe where to start. it's funny how things can change in sucha short time. im so confused i dont even noe myself anymore. my results are going from bad to worse and i cant get myself to study harder because im so demoralized. reverse psychology doesnt work on me. i get motivated for a few mins and then i go back to the drawing board.

sometimes i don't noe why i bother about anything. i don't noe why i worrie so much. sometimes i wish i were heck care, u noe..just not caring bout anything and going with the flow. but i do realize that people who do this hardly achieve their dreams, and if they do it's cuz they were jus lucky. that doesnt happen for most of us and i noe ill hafta work hard for what i want.

todae was the last dae of school for term 2. this is the end. after this it will be a mess of studying and stress and nothing else. no more laughing. we won't even be sitting together anymore. we'll all b split and i tink im gonna end up at the back of the class. this is shit man. i hate being at the back i tend to lose focus. arghhhhhhhhh

it was soo fun playing monkey in the quadrangle todae. and then we slept on the grass and formed 4e8 with our bodies. *sniff* i love my class. i love every single person in my class. i love TKGS. we sat on the swings screaming and laffing after tt. it was so crazy..

when i leave tk im gonna miss everything. im gonna miss the air, the screams, the laughing at teachers, the silly pranks, the jokes, the not paying attn, the studying last min, the sharing of notes, the helping one another, the eating one another's food, the drinking of ONE DRINK from 6 straws, the jacking people from other schools, the SUCKING LEMON, the his and byes that are never said but are shouted, the acting like retards because thr are no bois around, the nicknames, the eating in class, the PE lessons, the crying and laughing mixtures, the eating ice cream like pigs, the sitting outside school day dreaming, the wasting time at malls tho we have a test the next dae, the being in the same school with people i noe best, the pulling out chairs and making people fall, the annoying each other, the gossiping, the secret sharing, the story telling, the lame joke tellling, the laffing for no reason and jus laffing and laffing........oh gosh if i were to go on id never stop.

but for now i guess i better put all dat fun aside and sacrifice the last few months. this is my vow to get down to business and all u guys out there HAVE to push me on ok! let's walk down this tunnel together..cause im pretty sure i see a light shining at us from the other side.

2004-05-24T17:46:00.000+08:00

nothing's perfect.

then, how come we use the word so frequently? like it means so much?

when we dream of our perfect person, thing, or fantasy..what does it refer to?

is it truly, flawlessly perfect?

that's impossible.

if you're sitting there hoping for something perfect then you're foolish, because u'll never get it.

the only way anything can be perfect is by you ACCEPTING it's flaws.

look at the good points instead of the bad

look at the bright side instead of the dark

think of everything from a postive point of view

yes, i noe this sounds stupid

but trust me..

if you do...

your world's gonna seem perfect. :)

2004-05-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

wah tash got demand sia :D. kk i shall update diz thingy.

ahahhahaha neha and shan u guys shouldnt over-react noe. i jus went up to voice my opinions not intending to b biased towards any class or anything. ahaha..well kinda. haha anyway i still tink 4e2 shud've won.

what am i talking bout? lolx. well ydae we had an inter-class debate. UNFORTUNATELY my class wasn't in the finals cuz we lost to dearest 4e6 whom i dearly respect but i tink are quite harsh in the way they speak. :p. so when the floor wuz open to flaw speakers i went up to say that i disagreed with the 3rd speaker of the opposition team, which i tink is a very good speaker btw. she said tt by allowing more students to take HML the standard of it was actually being reduced. so i said, yes i do agree tt this is true but u gotta acknowledge the fact tt it's giving people who are not good in the subject to have an oppurtunity to still try to excel in the subject their interested in? wah..chim ah? ahahahha. den i wuz like..err take me for example. im not malay but im interested in malay and im glad that i have the oppurtunity to take it altho im not tt good at it. eheheh den i jus quickly faster say thank you cuz so pai seh redi. den everyone cheered. :D but of coz i got laffed at oso cuz i said gd morning instead of aftn la. ahahah..damn. :D and ili had reminded me! REMEMBER TASH..SAY GD AFTERNOON, IM NATASHA FROM 4e8. ahahahha but everybody still loves me :D hahhaha and den after school some 4e2s came up to me n they're all thank you thank you! hahahahha like i jus did some feat or wut. crazy ppl.

today in sch i wuz DREADING to go to malay class cuz i knew cikgu shure sae sth about it. i wuz right..he came up to me den he's like, in malay, natasha thanks for giving ur opinion ydae. den i wuz like :$:$:$ malu malu jus smile. hahah

o ya. i call rafizah donkey now. cuz todae i wuz talking to her den she's like..huh? donkey? den im like huh? she's like u said donkey? den i wuz like ya i was calling u. ahahahhahaha

we were late for the TPJC talk. den i told rafizah, eat faster la! den she eat damn fast and i called her a barbarian.

and ili calls her setan. so now she's a satanic barbarian donkey.
damn im so mean to her. ahahahhaha

hmm..you know what? i love my tkgs. i love everybody there. it's my second home, and that of my best frens. thank God im in tkg. love y'all!

and one more thing which i shant write too much about here..i'm so so so so so thankful for my special person. you're my sunshine.

2004-05-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

it's just a phase that i'm going through.

right?

damn.

okay please DONT ask me questions abt this it's embarrassing. ahahah..

i think im trippin.

but after the last one and the last one..

i'm not letting myself

scared of the consequences

scared of the illusions

i cant

but i cant help it either

i wont

but i can't not either

aiyaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

dunno lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

can we not talk abt this

my stupid mind's playing tricks on my again

right?

haix.

i hope so..

but yet i don't.

hmm..

life's so crazy.

but i can't help lovin every minute of it.

hahahhahahahahhax im flushing soooo baddd and i cant stop grinningg.. ahahahhahahahah DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNN

2004-04-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

i'm not a perfect person..as many tings i wish i didnt do..

i'm addicted to tt song. it's so..REAL. like wut tyra banks said, Perfect Is Boring; Human Is Beautiful. so true.

anyway, tmr's gonna b a helluva dae. furz im going to mcs bedok to do the stupid ss shyte. we're doing some kinda drama mama ting n im supposed to b a superior white, oblivious of how the blacks are being ill-treated in new york. lolx..den we're going to VJC for the funfair tingy. we'll jus stay thr fer a bit n then we're going for a movie at orchard. sorta to celebrate my bdae, cuz my real one's gonna b extra boring. oh well..im happy. hooray. ahhaha

darn im sosososososo broke. i tink ill go beg my mom fer munnay now.

onli 2 more daes. *GRINZ*

2004-04-26T15:13:00.000+08:00

damn i've so busy lately i tink i might have forgotten to breathe for a while. pr'aps tts why ive been feeling so dead//ahahah.

A1s HATE ME!!!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS GET 74!!!! FRIGGIN UNFAIR STUPID FREAK 74 UR SO MEAN TO ME U SHUD JUS GO ROT IN HELL SO U WONT MAKE MY LIFE SO MISERABLE. ALWAYS 74 NEVER 75 u StUpId THING. GrRrRrR..i got 74 for e math and eng! but fer eng we havent gotten back summary. im jus prayin hard man. damn. ok nvm. peace and rainbows tash, lax.

anyway, tash officially has the boring-est lyf ryt now. wuz jus talkin to isa after lunch while we were walkin back to sch juz now..and we were talkin bout how restricted we make ourselves this yr. yes people, we arent restricted by OTHERS but restrict ourselves. unbelievable, but true. i shan't go into the details cuz hey, they're boring. anyway patience in the key to success rite? let us elated people express our joy for that! ahaahha what sayings of nothingness we make ourselves believe in just for the consolation.

im at comp c now. i tink i onli have 2 more weeks here. damn im gonna miss it lyk crazy. shure i dun pay attention and violate every rule ever implemented but damn thr'll never ever ever be a cca lyk dis. so slack..so peaceful..so fulla love..love for sleeping..ahahah. so fulla fun, realli. NO REALLI! i swear. thr's nisha and michelle and everyone. plus the camp we jus had wuz xtra fun. i made so many frens. haix im gonna miss it. before u noe it neha'll b stepping down. then we'll take our prelims. then time'll switch from jetting to rocketing and we'll be doing our o's. and das it, we're done. we're graduated man. we'll get into new schs..and come back one fine dae, for the last ever time to collect our results. and that day will be the last day we step into tkgs as a student. we'll be starting whole new lives. for better or for worse, only my Big Guy up there noes. it's realli scary when u sit down at look at it this way, i know. but it's true. we hafta face it. sniffles..it's sad. i'm sad. i wish i could stay here forever. but then again, the grass may be greener on the other side. u never noe.

we're all unsuspecting victims of Mr Fate. or at least, that's wut i believe in yea. tt everyting happens for a reason. and we should treat everyone lyk gems, cuz everyone matters. every single person can make a difference, let him/her be young, old, fat, thin, whatever. do unto others onli what u want them to do unto u. but then thr's obviously times when u gotta tell yaself, MAN ive been freakin nice to this person but he/she has so been taking advantage of me. of coz den u cant like be some stupid freak and keep being nice lah. u gotta noe when to stop and be vindictive, at times. ahahahaa..kk now u all noe why when im nice im damn nice when im mean im damn mean.but to get on the bad side of me u prolly had gotten me MADDDDD.

but hey, i do approve of being naughty, as long as u don't hurt anyone. ehehehehe..violating sch rules and going crazy should be at the top of ur priority list y'all. it's good. hahah.

so stay bad, be naughty and do dat crazy dance. i'll be back, soon. muahahahaha. time to sleep now. mr lim is singing me a lullaby :).

BY THE WAY AH, JUST A REMINDER AH, A GENTLE REMINDER AH, SOMEBODI'S SWEET 16 COMING UP AH. 7 MORE DAYS AH eheheheheh :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

2004-04-16T23:55:00.000+08:00

ive got a deficiency. my eyes dry up when my lenses are exposed to the strong winds coming from a fan. ahahaha.

news flash! rafizah from 4e8 has a limited vocabulary. most of the time, she onli uses 4 words- HEY! whateverrrrr..So laMe and 'uhh..'. it has been concluded her fav song is thus 'Hey Whatever- 'Nsync' ahahahhahahahahha. and then ms johara will go- rafizahhhhh can u keep quiet uve been talking to much ur so noizy. ahahahhahaha.

i've been having weird dreams lately. but i shant disclose them here. i cant reli rber them..but i noe one involved falling in luff wit a 7 yr old boi, one involved kicking and punching a certain someone and one involved changing into my PE attire in the canteen. ahahahahha. man..

im SO glad we dun haf tests tmr. i wud jz die. i bet i failed everything anyway. ITE's gonna face it's worst student yet.

HAPPY FRIENDSHIPS DAE EVERYBODY!

to ankz: ur the BESTEST fren a person cud ever haf, and i mean tt frm the bottom of my heart. u've been thr fer me when i cried, laffed, acted retarded, wuz all confused..and jz basically a mess. u've given me hope in everything i do and never ever made me feel bad bout anything. ur always ALWAYS thr fer my when i need u and u dunno how much i appreciate tt girl. u jz rock ma werld and i swear w/o u i wudnt b who i am todae. i could jz tell u anything and talk to u bout all sortsa shit and u'd listen! :) plus ur not sindhi so i dun hafta worry bout u blabbering anything. eheheh..if thr's one person i gotta thank wit all my heart it's u. ur a Godsend. MWA! i lurrrrve ya! :D:D:D bff!

2004-04-08T23:12:00.000+08:00

IM BLOODY STRESSED OUT.
haiz. why must life b so tuff. why can't we jz b mentawais and live life so happily. :(
we jz got done wit the stupid em ca todae which i obv failed, and alredi i gotta mug fer sat. which, by the way, im screwed fer cuz ive hardly even started. we gotta memorize SO much fer the periodic table summo. grr..

anyway, luckily i din go to bk wit chyi n mel todae. cuz when i came hm my mom said she wuz going fer the john little sale. so i went with her [duh!] and got loaaaaaaaadsa awesome stuff! i got a pair of funky jeans, surf shorts, 2 tops etc etc. my mom hardly bought anyting..and the most ironic part of it ish, before we went she specifically said to me- YOUR NOT BUYING ANYTHING. and i said..okok jz one thing. and look wut happened. ahahahah

the funniest ting happened. see, i reli reli reli wanted to buy the pair of jeans but my mom wuz all, no u cant until u try it. and thr wuz absolutely NO changing rms around. so i wuz like..shytesss now how. in the end i jz used a measuring tape and measured and anyhow took one. then when we went out, i went into the stupid toilet that looked like an olympic sized swimming pool and pain-stakingly tried em on. my mom said they looked aite. i wuz too lazy to change back so i wore em out. then suddenly i realized..bloody hell the ting wuz so lose it wuz like falling down my ass k. i kept pulling it up. my mom's like wana change anot. i wuz like dunno..if i put belt shud b aite. so we didnt..then we went back to the car n i wuz like MOM i cant TAKE this the tings gonna DROP any min. so we WENT back and changed the damn ting and bought a few other stuff on the way. muahahahahha. I LOVE MY MOMMY!!! MWA! she rox my sox.

before we left we bought a box of rojak. the gravy spilled in the plastic bag due to my klutziness. anyway, i din reli like it cuz it wuz too spicy so i wuz feeding it to my mom the whole wae. and it kept spilling all over. ahahah it wuz so funny i kept laffin and my mom wuz like struggling to get it in her mouth.

cikgu zain told us sth v v v true todae. he said- when pining for a boi, a girl shud alwaez act hard to get. first, tell him u want to b his fren. if he realli realli likes u, he'll wait till forever till u finally sae yes. if he's jz playing wit u, he'll forget u soon after. when he gets pissed wit ur attitude, coax him. once he's cooled down, act hard to get again. if he completely ignores u after dat, HECK; it's not like ur married to him or anything. if u run after him..shyte u ur the desp. one u freak.

2004-04-05T16:08:00.000+08:00

and she holds on.
she forces herself to control,
keep it in
let nobody know
she holds. holds. holds.

oh no! but, what if she doesnt make it?
she shivers
the air is so cold
her fingers tremble
her lips are dry
terrified of the possible consequence;
her eyes shut
she fears.

she thinks, please God, please
let there be a miracle
don't let it happen,
don't..don't..don't..

every moment feels like years
every heartbeat increases the suffering
the hardship,
the tempt,
the wanting,
the need.

if i let myself down
i'll have to live my life in shame,
knowing i did something
so sinful,
so shameful,
so morally wrong.
mean, really. evil. devious.

and i'll never be forgotten
i'll never be forgiven,
for i'd cause others so much pain
pain to their eyes,
to their minds,
their senses,
their inner selves.

she's GOT to take it;
she's GOT to hold on;
she's GOT to keep it in.

she CAN'T disappoint herself!
she's got to have WILLPOWER
STRENGTH
DETERMINATION
COME ON! U'VE GONE SO FAR!
she WILL do it. she'll try, at least.

she waits..

she takes a deep breath..

she pants..

she gasps. time's running out!

there IS no mercy..

she CANT let herself suffer like this! she doesn't deserve it!

ahhhhhhhh................
peace. at last.

she just couldn't let her bladder burst, see.
when the pee's gotta get out, it's gotta get out.

2004-04-04T22:10:00.000+08:00

i went fer miss spore ydae! the girls were BLEAH. spore has so many hotter smarter chiqz around..itz jz tt they have better things to do then join the stupid contest.

so i wuz sitting down, minding my own biz..when suddenly i see the camera man filming me. and im like wth..and den my phone gets a million msgs and everyone goes- NATASHA! I SAW U ON TV! WHAT THE HECK U DOING THERE!hahahaha. craziness! tash's second time on tv and goin on... :D i tink the guy did it cuz the last ques wuz abt wut u'd tell ur daughter if she were to join the peagent. yeah. hehehehe..they filmed my parents ALOT! like so many times. cuz they were sitting on the 2nd row. too bad i cudnt sit wit em. bleah. hahah

i sat next to this lady who runs TV12. so i wuz asking her..how do u get ur actors? and she said auditions, or u can write in. im DEF. gonna write in after o's! cant wait to act!!

oh yeah. ladies and gents, Today is now available at all 7-11 stores. go get ur copy now! buy anything and get the paper free! and if the store has run out of Today newspapers, don't buy anyting. don't waste your money.

miss congeniality wuz s0o0o0o funnyyy. ahahah..in a way, i can relate myself with her. u noe, the way she disses bois and stuff. but i onli do tt to ppl im close to la, not jz anyone. or else i wudnt b here typing right now would i.

today wuz so boring. i watched tv nearly the whole dae. the closer it gets to the o's the slacker i get. good goin tash!

2004-04-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

WOOHOO!!!!! GIVE IT UP FOR 4e8!!!!!! U DA CHAMPIONS BABY!!!!!!

today wuz prolly one of the BEST days ive ever had. imagine ending your LAST sports dae in ur fav sch by winning level champions!!! WHEEEEEE! :D:D:D:D I LOVE U 4e8!!!!!!!!
thanks to our awesome rury, jamie, yc, chyi, pl, shearer, ameal etcetc. it wuz sooo cooooool! our class is like The Enthu People. win onli runnnn down to the field and start acting like crazy monkeys. woohoo!!! three cheers fer mrs koh!! :D

JAMIE WON INDIVIDUAL CHAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whoaaaaaa that wuz SO awesomee!!! before they even read the results we were alredi crowding around the poor girl getting ready to hug her. then when they were like.. and the individual champion issssss...JAMIE!!!!!!! and then everyone PILES on top of her and smashes her. hahah i wuz right at the bottom. i wuz estatic but at the same time i wuz being suffocated by the stink of sweat. ahahahha JAMIE U RAWK MA SOCKS!

mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa i love u 4e8.

we went to chyi's hse to bathe and then went out to eat lunch after sports dae. i had like diz splitting headache frm all the screaming and acting retarded so i left earli. but all the same, i kena from my mom fer being late. sheesh parents.

i love my cikgu roza!! i wuz feelin so down cuz of the scoldings and she realized it immediately. she started crackin all these funny jokes and completely changed my mood :D. then she's like..ahh now tasha's better jz now look at her so moody like that duno how im gonna teach. hehe

wuz talkin to jl while chyi n isa showered. i asked her if it wuz rong of me to still like *. she saes it's prolly jz like..a long infatuation sorta ting cuz i havent met anyone better. when i meet a more compatible guy i'll noe. then i wuz like..but wudnt tt b like mean cuz im comparing the two? she's like no not really cuz u'd genuinely love one more than the other. me and * def. shudnt persue if u ask me..itz to hard..but then again...haiz. it's hard.

o well. ONE MORE MONTH TO MA BDAE!! G0 SHORTAY!

2004-03-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

wooooooohoooooo!!!!
tash is in an AWESOME MOOD!!!! ask me to give u a million bux and i would! ask me to kiss ur shoe and i would! ask me to pee in my pants i would!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
:D:D:D:D
GRINZ
im so so soso sosososoosososososo soooooooo happy.

so amazing how one person can jz make all ur troubles vanish and make life seem so beautiful..
lalallalalallalaa. at least now im sure of somethin. i dun hafta keep worryin bout dat shit nomore.
but actualliee..shud i even care? shud it bother me? is this right? i duno but for now im reli happy. :D

it's been..bout 7 mths. and at least i noe im not the onli one missing someone now.
i DO hope that this'll continue..but i do hope it doesnt too. cuz i noe it isnt gona work. but for now..i guess thr's no harm.

natasha never knew she wuz this crazy. hey, u learn sth new everdae.

wheeeee! come dance with me baby!

2004-03-29T15:15:00.000+08:00

i havent updated for a long time. life's been boring. thr's nothing to sae, realli.

hahah yesterdae, tuition wuz HILARIOUS! see, our teacher didnt come..so thr wuz this substitute. diz guy i saw before, he works for the centre but he does paperwork n stuff i tink. he's like 20. so he tot us...okay, not tot lah. he 'accompanied' us while we did some questions he gave us. he didnt even teach.
so anyway he's like cracking lame jokes and everything, then suddenly he's like do u guys wana listen to muzik? we're like anything lah. so he shows off his phone and puts it on loudspeaker. at furz he wuz playing the radio, but the songs sucked. so everyone wuz like critisizing..all e guys were like ahh lousy lah off it. den one of the guys wuz like aiyah cher, he onli listen to 5566 lah. ahahahah dat band isnt a band, it's a horror show. den the tcher wuz like no lahh he likes to listen to BHANGRA n tamil muzik das y. we started laffing. den he wuz like COME i play for u TAMIL song den he played some tamil gelek gelek song which wuz so terrible i could've dieddddd right there. hahahaha den he started playing some malay dance song and everyone wuz like shaking their heads. ahahahahhahahaha germaine and i were laffin so harddd our sides ached! seriously. damn terrible.
but in the end he played some cool eng songs, so it wuznt dat bad. and he wuz talkin to us bout clubbin n everything..scolding some guy who said he liked to go clubbin to pick up girls. sheeshx! DIZ i why i criticize bois so much u noe.

we went to my granddaddie's hse ydae! he's the cutest ting ever. i love him soooo much. he gave me kit kats! yummy :D. ahahah n he's funny too. he loves scolding his maid i duno why. poor girl. but it's funny. he wuz like aiyah u go and sit in the toilet lah u don't come out. sit there..blooody fooool. ahahha i noe it sounds mean la but when he saes it it's funny. anyway, the maid jz laffs she noes he's jz a lil fussy. ahahah.

SHANTI WUZ SO FUNNY YDAE! she wuz tellin me bout a certain someone and their conversations. i swear..she's jz too cute. the way she narrates things is the best lah. she'll b telling it to me cuz she's frustrated but the wae she saes it is soo cute tt ill start laffin the whole way. den she's like TASH!! U TYPED HAHAHAHAH 56 times!! ahahhaha. sorry dear u jz make me laff too much...ahahah even neha thinks it's funny.

o ya, reminds me, neha told me to ask u to narrate to me the metal spoon story! dont forget k!

at cc now. nisha showed me some pic of some reeeeeeeli cute model!! he's so gdlooking!! *drools katroolss...drip drippy drip* n she has his autograph!! unfairrrrr. grr..and she bought this relliii nice earrings. i want!

thr's some bhangra shyte next wk. i dun wana go..i hateee dat indian muzik. gross. but they're making me so i guess i will. it's gonna b so boringgg..zZzzZz. ooh nisha jz said she's going too! coool.

we went to parkway to eat jz now at kfc. shroom's burger iS NICEE! but it reli does literally get all over ur clothes so be careful.

isa jael and me were talking bout..okay i shant sae in here. in case some kid visits my blog ill havta live my life knowing i corrupted some kid's mind then my guilty conscience will take over me then i'll never forgive myself then i'll attempt to punish myself then i'll do some stupid thing then i'll regret later then i'll cause everyone around me to have problems due to me then i'll attempt to punish myself for that too then i'll do something u'll never think of then ill be permanently damaged somehow then i'll never get married then i'll never have kids then i'll adopt a kid....JUST due to telling u what we talked about so i don't think i should mention it here so i tink u should just stop reading my blog so u won't think im retarded so if ur LAUGHING at me rite now i tink u better stop or elsee..*all of the above*

2004-03-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTDAE KART!!!!!!!!
wow! ur 17. so dat means jz 1 yr to legal clubbin n drivin. n also less yrs being a bachelor. muahahaha.hope ur yr ahead's amazing! may all ur wishes come true :). stay being the clown u are!

tk's gone crazy. now we've got CAs on thurs AND sat. so this means my lifeless life gets even more lifeless cuz ill practically haf ziltch free time. waaaah :'(

parent teacher meeting tmr. my mom wants to meet mrs koh n cikgu zain. im not dat scared bout mrs koh..but im sure cikgu's got BAD news fer my mom. haiz. bid farewell for the next time u c me, i may b in my graveyard.

i wuz SO stoopid todae. i wuz practicing a math fer like..2 1/2 hrs yeah but i didnt even get ONE sum right. so i wuz thinken, mebbe my method's rong. n guess wut i realized i hadnt done fer all the sums? i didnt substitute the x value into ANY of the gradients!! OBVIOUSLY I COULDNT GET THE ANSWER. TASH UR SUCHAN IDIOT. and i lost ALL my static elect ws. fantastic.

muahaha. chyi n i r so terrible. during ss, we put our heads on the table so mrs loe cudnt c us. den talked the whole period. we haf so much to sae. hahaha. n i told myself- kay ill go home n do the sbq. but did i do it? n0o0o!! grinz.

y'all HAFTA check out just a little while, by janet jackson. it's so awesome. im addicted to it.

2004-03-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

my brudder's the funniest.

see..he has this cheer in sch. it goes like this-

thunder thunder thunderation!
we the titans dedication!
together with determination
we'll create a sensation!

but these stupid p6 boys evidently haf namuch to do so this is wut they changed it to-

consti consti constipation!
we the teitans dedication!
with an "ughhh" with determination
we'll create a sensation!

hHAHAHAHA. he's just too funnay.
my mom saes if we were locked up in a cave, we wudnt care. we'd jz go about talking n laughing n crapping, but mostly fighting.
true. hahah

2004-03-23T22:26:00.000+08:00

didja noe dat altho communism started in germany[me talkin bout karl marx], it never was communist?
funkie eh. hist rocks ma socks.
anywayy..todae wuz typical. sch, sleep, sleep more, hw, tv/comp, sleep. grinz. i lurrrrrve sleepin [cowboi style!]

after sch me n chyi had sucha gud laff. n while we were waiting at the bus stop some weirdo surveyed us on this like online tutoring ting. i told him it wuz a gd idea..but seriously, who'd pay so much for online tutoring?
malay tuition wuz cancelled. weeeee :D
GDLUCK FER UR TOURNAMENT TMR GURLIE!

i wuz buggin sunny SO MUCH todae. hahahah. i actuallie feel sad fer the guy..grinz. but it did pay off.
ankz, gimme a buzz. i shall fill u in. hehe.

"to measure a man, measure his heart."
isn't that a nice quote? gottit frm chickin soup. i lurrrrrrrve chikin. [cowboi style!]
hahah. sorry im goin wack.

WHERE'S MY BREAKTHROUGH!!!!! HOW COME IM NOT ON TV YETTT!!!!! WAHHHHHH :'(

recently quite a few ppl haf been asking me if im attached. dey tink im lying when i sae no..
and the stupidest question, which all ask after dat is-"why not?"
grrr. now i cant b bothered to ans that q properly redi. jz sae i dono.

IM SCREWED. lit ca on thurs n i fergot to bring hm my bk. i lyk lit. it's nice.
aiya i like everyting lah. but at the end of the dae- FAIL! EVERYTHING FAIL! i dun wanna get my Prog Rep. im gonna get grounded fer life.

blogger's boring. i dono why i bother.

2004-03-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

sch totallie todallie totillie rocks ma socks!
wooooot! give it up fer tk! mwa mwa mwa i LOVE you baby.
sch wuz awesome todae. s0 glad to b back.
highlight of d day-
xin hui feels sleepy. xin hui wants to sleep. the chair is too far away from the table but still she rests her butt on it. and then she leans forward. as far as she can go..ahhh her head rests on the table. she looks like a swan. haHAHAH. everyone's laffing at her. but the lil girl sleeps soundly, not noeing a thing. ur too cute lah. hahahah.

as usual, during legacy me, ili, zm, raf, filz...basically all those who sit in front but dun pay attention lah. except filz. she walks all the way down to talk to us. ah..flattered. we crowd around in a circle n start gossipin bout everyone. muahahaha. we're the most interesting ppl around i tell ya. we jz haf too much to sae. das y todae ms hamidah wuz like..this class is relli ironic. mostly in classes the noize comes frm the back. but in diz class ah, it's all frm the front. rite in front of me. hahahah we da bomb man.

went to eat lunch wit jL, mel n isa. hahah. we were shitting da whole wae. den jL n mel left. me n isa ended up tlaking bout idiotic boys. saying how they haf sucha huge ego. and we also concluded dat a breakup isnt as bad as lovin someone n not being loved in return. isa said kingshaw's the onli guy who doesnt haf an ego..i wuz like darling, he's imaginary. duh.

stupid cc wuz cancelled. o well. den i went home..SLEPT (cant do w/o the beauty slp baby) did ma bio hw. n here i am.
n now im off ta slp again. man does ma life rock.
outta here. nite!

2004-03-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

the FUNNIEST ting happened todae.

okay, so after tuition i went hm..ate..changed etc. n then went to orchard to meet my dear ankz.
so we're sitting down in cine. minding our own biz. waiting fer sth. n this american guy walks pass. he's like kinda tall, brownish blondish hair, talks really unclearly, wearing burms n a baggy green shirt. he looks like he's 22 or sumtin.
so he walks pass..n he sees us. so he stops. n he's like "hi im egward. then he looks at ankz n goes whoa ur cute!" hahah. n ankz is like.."uhh..thanks." he's like..so whr u guys frm n everyting. so we're like spore. he's like u goes were born here? we're like uh..yeah. he wuz obviously flirting n we obviously werent interested but he din get the pic, see. then he's like..so how old u guys? ankz is like..uh, 10th grade. he's like "no way! ur kidding. 10th..10th grade?! r u serious?!". we're like..hahah yeah dude, u heard rite. so then he goes on to tell us bout some website. yeah. n he said i look MEXICAN! hahahah. like whatever. the freakshow wuz like talking 3/4 of the time n we were hardly answering him. so anyway. he's like aight nvm. so wutcha guys doin tonite? n i wuz like tinken.. U FLIRT!!!!!! U DESPO FREAK! so i said we've got plans. he did some cross ting wit his fingers. God noes wut it means. he kept doing it. so funny. n he kept movin about. hahah. so he keeps talking to us. then finally goes away. we're like laffing our heads off. cuz he wuz jz makin a fool outta himself yeah. n we're like making fun of him n everything.
but guess wut! he comes back! like 5 mins later. n he's like..so eyy lets go partyin tonite rite i heard boat quay's gud in spore. he's frm california, btw. n we're like..nahh we got plans. he's like wit frens? we're like yeah. he's like...uhh boyfrens? we're like YEAH! n he's like all embarrassed. hahaha so he did that cross ting wit his fingers n goes away. n then we bump into him AGAIN. but this time we were walkin. so we're like jz like..cya. n he's like orite! cya! nice meeting u! n all dat shit. n we're like..yeah whatever n we jz walk away.
wut a freak. oh yeah. n we saw his other fren. n he wuz flirting wit some chinese girl. seriously..some people.
n this other dude wuz, his fren, wuz like bald. n he wuz like shouting at the salesman, EY! WHERE'S THE LOO?! probably hadta do sth urgent. hahahahah.

hahah. so conclusion of the dae, don't talk to strangers. not even one word. cuz one word makes them talk non-stop. it's like fuel u noe. abit wil get the machine going. but in this case it wuz a retarded machine lah. sth rong somewhr.

anyway, i bought diz awesome top frm miss selfridge. it's the coolest. it's backless..but i gez ill hafta wear a tube wit it. n it looks better worn upsidedown. hahaha. seriously..at first i tried it on the rong way. n ankz laffed at me cuz it wuz upsidedown. but we concluded it looks better that way. so i bought it! hahah. she bought diz awesome silver skirt. it'll look damn funky wit a black top. im gonna borrow it ah, i dun care.

i dunno why heeraj wont take his gift. it's so funky! it's the best prezzies ever. if i were him, i wudnt mind getting it even BEFORE my bdae.

k lah. dats it 4 todae. sch's on tmr. BLEAH. *&@*#. i havent even touched my hw. muahahaha. except chem MCQs. wheeeeeeeeee! am i in fer a treat or what baby.

2004-03-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

i needta pee.
hahah sorry..so outta pt. but i reli need to! k nvm i shall tahan.

waaaaaah! im so silly! i totallie fergot ive got tuition tmr. so blur lah you, tash. now i dunno how im gonna persuade my mom to lemme go fer the movie instead. grr. *bangs head onto comp wall*
after dat im gona meet my darling bestie n we're going shopping! :) n take photos! muahahaha. so vain sia.

i went to the lib todae n GUESS WUT I BORROWED!? dave barry's book! woooot! it's called..TADA! dave barry turns 50! give it up fer dave barry in tash's hse! haha. the guy's jz so awesome. if onli i cud write like him. n neil humphreys. these two rock my socks. duno whr i'd get my inspiration frm w/o em. muahahaha. talkin bout neil humphreys. my bro worked at todae during the hols rite, n the luckyass got to sit near him everydae. he saes the first ting he does when he comes to work is go eat maggie noodles. hahaha. the fella lives up to his reputation la.

im so fed up wit my hm phone. i cud jz smash it lyk a cockroach so it'll nv ring again man. the ting's been ringing the WHOLE freakin dae. seriously. i tink it's doing it on purpose, ya noe. probably to irritate the heck outta me. n the best part ish dat we're all so fed up sometimes we dun even pick it up. hahah. one dae im gonna invent The Flying Phone. this is how it'll work-
1.phone rings.
2.phone rings twice.
3.nobody picks phone up.
4.automatic operator picks up call.
5.caller says name of person he/she wants to speak to.
6.phone flies to person.
7.phone sticks onto person's ear until call ends. yeah, no holding needed.
8.phone flies back to original place.

so cool rite?! onli tash The Genius Girl wud tink of sucha ting lah. :D
but of coz, first someone wud hafta teach the phone to fly. how?! simple..lyk how u teach a kid to ride a bike lah. "steady..steady..im here to catch ya..dun worrie..mommy's here for ya..steady..steady..well done honey..wait..watch out for that tree!"

by the way, my stress buster is alredi in markets. for those of u who are on the verge of committing suicide, this is just the item for you! it's a circle on a piece o' paper. hang the paper up on the wall, n whenever u feel stressed up, just bang ur head against it! the harder, the better the effects!
terms and conditions apply. the inventor will not b responsible for unpredicted effects. and most importantly, no money back guarantee.

hahahahaha. im so fulla shit. somebody shoot me.

b4 i end, jz wanna sae special thx tooooo..
mr kart! my newly made wrong-no. fren fer makin me feel sho much better the dae b4 ydae when i felt like the werld wuz toppling on me. u shud grow up to b a monk or sth. cuz ur gud at advising ppl :). grinz. thankew!

2004-03-19T22:53:00.000+08:00

watsup babies!

i canNOT believe it's friday.goodness gosh gracious me..time jets man, seriously.

we had some financial planning shyte at sch todae. it started off dead cuz our intructor wuz..uh..dead. yah..but later it turned out to b so awesome!! we hadta play diz funky board game. it's kinda like monopoly, but lyk thr's a change in the state of the economy n stuff. n u can buy n sell stokes. very interesting :)

hmm. chyi chyi's complaining to me bout sth. goodness..some ppl jz grow physically but not mentally. i mean, wuts rong wit a guy n girl being frens huh? GROW UP u guys. stop the teasing alredi. ur not in primary sch anymore. look around u man..u see people our age making out on the streets. sheesh.YEAH! CHYI! BASH HER UP! u go girl.

love at first sight. dat's bullshit. nobody falls in love the mmt they see someone. i mean, if dat wuz the case..the person prolly jz tinks the other is hot. n das jz due to raging hormones. horny people. hahah. seriously..it cud b INFATUATIOn at furz site. but def. not love. nah, no way.

but this it wut i DO believe in- when u meet a person, talk to him, get to noe him..b his fren. n then u get this feeling that he's just The One. lyk..mista perfect. yeah. that's possible. but u cant jz fall in love wit someone cuz he's cute. dude..seriously. hahah

anyway, at the end of the day. everyone's gonna end up lookin like 50 dollar US bills innit? so the most impt ting in a guy, is his potential to b ur BEST fren. yep..that's wut matters. i mean, okay..u go out wit a guy wit whom u can get along wit, is cute, charming, got da 5 Cs..all dat shyte. but if u cant trust him completely wit everyting u got to sae, how u gona survive? yeah?

my dream boi? a cute, modest, down to earth boi who isnt superficial. he'd care fer me like no other..n understand me better than i understand myself. oh yeah, n he's gotta b smart too.

ya ya i noe. that kinda guy can onli b found in the graveyard innit?

hahah. wellllll..i dun care what other people tink.
i believe in my dreams n i just noe..dat if i believe..
i might just dream him into life.

2004-03-17T23:15:00.000+08:00

nothing's what it seems.
sometimes it may seem like the whole world has turned it's back on you. that nobody cares and nobody knows.
but nothing's what it seems.
you may think that you are unlucky. that you never get what you wish for, no matter how much u try..no matter how far you get.
but nothing's what it seems.
when the skies darken and when the clouds cover the majestic sun, you think there's no way of playing in the garden. but that's because you're scared of going out in the rain.
and nothing's what it seems.
there ARE dangers out there. you near death every second, and you wish you were born someone else.
but nothing's what it seems.
because what you have, is what someone else is wishing for..right now. this moment.
what you have is precious. it's a luxury.
the big guy up there gave it to you as a gift.
so don't complain...
cos nothing's what it seems.
and at the end of the day, when you walk out in the rain you'll realize what a beautiful world this is.
where everything happens for a reason.
and every girl, boy, woman, man is special. every one of them have a story to tell...a sweet, humble story.

so don't cry. don't complain. don't say this life's a pain in the butt.
cos nothing's what it seems
at at the end of the day you'll see..that fate has a way of twisting and turning things
such that you DO feel happy at the end of the day. your wishes DO come true.
and you'll see
that no matter how things turn out. they actually turn out for one simple reason..
they all turn out for the best.

so smile honey. i see the sun hiding behind that dark cloud. it hasn't flown away..it's still here by our side.

2004-03-17T23:07:00.000+08:00

FINALLY! THE LAYOUT'S REDI!
i swear i will never mess wit diz ting ever again. enuff of my time sweat n energy spent on it. to hell wit u.

so mel! how wuz the surprise partee? heard u guys had fun. awesome! but u werent trapped. wasted..hahah. stupid la u all. go party den sleep..so cute. hahah.

i had 2 tuitions todae. so bullshit. cuz one wuz a make up lesson. i tink the sc tcher hates me cuz i ask too many stupid qs. hahah. he gets reli irritated whenever i ask him stuff.
bio wuz arite. v interesting. wuz talkin to germaine bout jobs n stuff. she wants to b a hotel manager! aint dat jz so cool. i tink im gonna end up in journalism. heheh. follow my pop's footsteps.
talkin bout pops. he msged me sayin he wuz sittin on a boat wit vietnam women rowing it. im so jealoussssssssss. grr.
oh yea! i bumped into my hunny bunny minnie after tuition!! hahah. she wuz ao giggly! ;). the * is reli awesome btw. gr8 choice:).

american idol. i love camille! n jasmine..n mr john peter lewis is pretty cute. dunja tink?

goodness. i hardly started on my hw. natasha's screwwwwwwed baby.

2004-03-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

i am jz PUMPED out man. hols my ass lah. im even more tired than sch daes.
camp wuz FUN! isnt tt ironic. cuz at furz i tot lyk mitch n stuff werent gonna come..but they did so yeah i actuallie had fun man. so much fun tt mitch managed to persuade me to sleepover. which wuz pretty dumb cuz i went home at 6.30am..n came back at 8 fer phys. hahah. phys wuz crap. those hu didnt come, i salute u.

so anyways..diz is how it went. furz we had lyk a design course ting. which wuz the stupidest ting ever cuz we alredi knew whatever he tot us. bloody hell. n the intructor wuz this whack who used 3/4 of the time tellin us bout his lifestory lah..his dog lah..dunno wut shyte.
den we ate lunch n played the games. me n nish were in charge of it which was B-A-D. it wuz sucha flop! i mean..i dun reli blame em fer gettin bored. how long can u play wacko in the hot sun anyway? n signature hunt, everybodi finished earli cuz..lets jz sae they were too pro at it la. oh! i made diz grp take off their shoes n walk around rite..n one girl lost her shoe! i dunno who the heck took it..but we found it in the end hidden at the back of some pillar. stupid lifeless freak. oh yeah..n since we had time we played the broken telephone line game tingy. so lame rite? but it turned out REALLI funny. i rber my msg wuz sth like 'the mad donkey jumped over the moon lookin fer a bride, not groom' n it turned out sth lyk..the green monkey ate potatoes or some shyte. hahahah. then we played diz game whereby we hadta guess the movie the person in the centre wuz actin out. mr lim joined us! first i told him snow white..den he's like-'but i cant do snow..OOPS!'. hahahahah so we changed it. DIRTY DANCING 2!! hahhahahah oh gawd tt wuz the best. he started wiggling his butt in the centre shakin away. n everyone knew wut the ans wuz but nobody wanted to sae it. hahahahah it wuz so hilarious! n he had facial expressions all. man tt guy's cud shoulda auditioned fer the movie.
so we took our shower after tt n then had a bbq. i wuz helpin nish n 2 malay girls out wit her veg satays. u noe..sometimes when u do tings jz to help others out it may not dawn onto ya, but it reli makes a diff to the other person. cuz like..tho i did eat a lil late, it felt gud when nish wuz like thanks tash..dunno wut i'd do without ya. aw. hahaha
michelle wuz wreckin havoc. she wuz freakin all of us out wit ghost stories..n the way she'd tell em..goodness. like all of a sudden she'll jz stare at the dark lyk she saw sth. den she'd burst out laffin. ASS. n the juniors all got so freaked out! hahahahaha. but yeah it wuz gud.
we had some performances. nish u rocked! mich u got da hip ting goin on babe, love it.
treasure hunt wuz The Highlight of de nite. it wuz jz awesome. hats off to those who planned it. yeah it wuz freaky goin up to the fourth level toilet wit the lights goin on n off but we got 2nd. woohoo :). n i did sth ive never done b4..n i dun tink ill eva do- we RAN ACROSS THE CIRCULAR BLOCK FIELD. we jz ran n ran n ran cuz nobody wuz lookin n it jz felt so gud! hahahah. we did it like 3 times i tink. wow. amazing, reli. hahah. we did sth reli bad in the toilet too..but i shant mention it here. grinz.
i realized mich is a damn funky person. we gossiped so much. n i made frens wit diz chiq called fairuz frm 4e2. we were holding hands the whole way thru the treasure hunt cuz we were jz so chickin. hahaha. btw mich, i gotta thank u fer the compliments during the bbq. i dun tink i did anyting spesh ah..but thx anyway ya :)

kay so we were almost gonna slp..when diz unknown no. msgs me. n i replied n he replied n i replied n suddenly we're like talking. n whole of todae we been msgin too. he's a damn funny guy. quite funky how we became frens. hahahah

during dinner jz now dev switched the sugar n salt labels. my aunt got freaked out cuz she tot she put salt in her drink. hahahaha. my mom started laffing her head off. then she kena retribution. the label fell in HER drink. hahahaha so gross rite. but she jz took it out n drank it. dat lady ah..

anyways, i noe thr's gonna b a SURPRISE party for a CERTAIN someone tmr. ;) n im sorry i cant go. but das orite. u enjoy urself ya! happy birthday again sweetie!

2004-03-14T22:59:00.000+08:00

hahahahahahaha. natasha ur so stupid. hahahah see lah. i didnt change the time settings. now the entries are all like 6am. haiyoh. *bangs head on comp wall*. sillyy girl.

2004-03-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

okay so here's the deal. ive used a gazillion hrs of ma precious time setting this tingy up so u BETTER have compliments fer it.

sch's SCREWIN ME UP. no lah, not literally but still. it's killen me silently. i've got a pile of work fer da hols. wait. what hols? hols are inexistant in this stupid werld of mine. to hell with u idiots! i need a lyf too u stupid freakshows.

ewwwww. IT CAMP TMR! how disgusting. gross. jz looking at the schedule makes me nauseous. like 4 hrs of designing course and then OOH what do we do next? PLAY GAMES! yipppiieeeee! i am just so lucky man.
PLUS what's even more exciting is that IM in the games co-ordinating team!! woohoo! that means dat IM gonna b ORGANIZING the games instead of PLAYING them. damn i jz so cant wait.

oh the FUNNIEST ting happened at dinner! okay. so my lil bro, dev, wuz eating and irritating me by talking alot, as usual. so he's eating and eating..then all of a sudden he's like MOM! CHILLI! hahah he looks around but obviously thr's no h2o, cuz everything's been cleaned up rite. so he starts running around like a monkey jumping up and down looking like he's about to explode. me n my mom n my aunt are just laffing our heads off, having NO intention to help him cuz the scene is jz too funny. hahahah in the end he drank some water lah. but he din wana eat his food anymore cuz he's a scaredy cat. the guy's too blur. u cud put a mashed up cockroach in his food n he wudnt noe. u could even put a child-consuming monster in there and he wouldnt noe.

talkin bout child-consuming. i used that informal phrase in my compo bout teenage days being better now that the old times. BULLSHIT. utter bullshit. 3/4 of my compo wuz used to critisize our edu system. i hope i dun get sent to jail for that.

maybe if i fill this blog with insults bout the singapore govt, it'll get banned. u noe..jz like Dr Brown's. then i'd b real proud too :). but then again. how much can i sae?

oh yeah. and my special thx todae to miz neha darrrrrling for praying fer me. LOVE YA!

miz richass cum smartassshan- HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE HONEY!!!!! i hope u have a beyond fantastic yr ahead sweetie. fulla success and hot bois. hahahah. oh yeah. n MORE shopping! :D i love u chooooooo much. ur on of the best ppl around. mwa!

miz goldilocks chyi- groovy lady u got ur pic in teens eh? ur jz too chio lah gurl. now even more guys wil run after u in parkway. but no problem..me n jL wil b thr wit u all the way to tell em u dont have a home. hahahahahahah

miz myfavpersoninthewerld ankz- ur blog's the CUTEST! jz like ya :). n dunch worrie. dunch b sad. boys arent worth the energy. trust me. they're lyk pepper in soup. u noe? u see it for a while n then poof. it jz disappears when u stir it. aiya. u noe what i mean lah rite? smile!

mista funny vishal- WHERE'S MY SLURPEE DOINK?

2004-03-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

NATASHA'S BACK!